apocalypse_2024

 

As those grim commercials about old people coffins might say, “It’s never too late to plan for your future.” And that’s exactly what this is. I have set my goals for 2014. Now it’s time for me to set my goals for 2024.

-Win Jennifer Lawrence back. I figure divorce will be really common in 10 years and J-Law and me will have a few of them. I’m pretty sure we’ll marry at least half a dozen times and end up together. It may surprise you that I don’t plan to marry Malin Akerman. She has fallen ill in my eyes ever since she had a baby. She will also be gross and in her 40s in 10 years.

-Don’t get eaten by my neighbor. Cannibalism Holocausts are just one week of a food shortage away from happening. Have you been to the grocery section at Walmart recently? They never have anything good. The end is near.

-Set the new home run record. I’m predicting I will get hit by a car at some point. After reconstructive surgery I will be built with the best parts of every baseball player. I will have Mark McGwire’s forearms, Barry Bonds’s swing, Sammy Sosa’s English (it will help to avoid interviews), and Rafael Palmeiro’s erect penis. I think I’ll hit somewhere around 180.

-Destroy all machines/electronic devices I own. This will have nothing to do with a machine uprising. This will be more about a cry for help.

-Go a month without getting carded at the bar. Imagine how young I would feel to be nearing 40 and have no one card me at the bar! Of course, bars will be run by robots then and since 90% of the population was killed by a meteor, the drinking age will be 7. It’s only at 7 because that is the age all children are required to kill a person to earn adulthood.

-Travel more. I’ll probably visit Jupiter or maybe I’ll go to the post office like I promised myself I would 10 years earlier.

-Register to vote. I am nor was I ever a registered voter. Can you be one and then cancel? That seems so permanent. I would like to register in 2024 though because Hitler III is running for Czar of America and I want to vote for him. He’s not as evil as his granddad. America also has Czars because everything is very retro to Russian culture.

-Finish the first season of Orange is the New Black. Nah. It wasn’t very good.

-See a woman naked. I don’t want the first woman I see naked to be a picture on the computer. I’m realistic. I probably will never see a woman naked until 2024. I also do not count seeing someone run naked after a nuclear reactor blows and the clothing is burned off them. That happens in 2017 a lot.

-Be a better person. Since it’s 2024, all I have to do is pay the government and they will give me a certificate that says I am a better person. The future is easy.

What are your 2024 goals?

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