Facebook has this feature called “People You May Know” where people we know and have no intention on saving from a fire pop up in the corner with their shit-eating grins along with how many mutual friends we have with them. Someone I really don’t like came up on my screen recently. I thought I’d tell you why his personality sucks and why his profile picture proved to me and anyone who sees it how he should be dismembered.

The dickhole was a real dickhole to me in school. He would often tease me for being fat even though he was fat. This actually doesn’t narrow down which bully this was as I had more than one fat bully who made fun of my weight. What happened to brotherhood or going halves on a pizza pie?

fat girls(They are getting way too much pleasure out of giving themselves diabetes)

While I suffered no serious traumatic events from his sweaty chocolate stained hands, I still do resent the fact he was allowed to live while good people like Hitler had to blow their brains out in a shelter. Sorry to say Hitler was a better person than this douche, but in my life that is the case.

Onto the three problems with his profile picture:

Problem 1 – Shirtless

The guy was shirtless in his profile picture. Since he is still fat, we could only see his shoulders. He probably does a lot of military presses and likes how they look. We can’t see the rest of him though because you know, fat. He knows he’s fat. That’s why he made fun of me for being fat. Why take a shirtless pic and only show your top fraction? This isn’t a Girls Gone Wild commercial where you have to hide the nipple.

Problem 2 – Backwards Hat

The only time a hat should be on backwards is if you get punched in the face or you are so shocked it causes it to spin that way. And in the first instance, you should be punched again for wearing a backwards hat. Wearing your hat backwards defeats the purposes of a hat, right? A hat is not meant to make you look like a cool guy. Flashing money and driving loud cars is what makes you cool. Turn your hat around the proper way or remove it. I hope he’s balding.

Problem 3 – It was a selfie

And to top it all off, he took the picture himself. The phone is visible and it was flashed off from a mirror…

This guy is the same species as me! He has a degree from the same high school. He was given the same education. His resume is similar to mine. Luckily I think I saw another picture of his of him standing near a quarry working so he will probably die on the job when a faulty machine drops a heavy stone on him. Hopefully he doesn’t just end up paralyzed because he’d probably get a huge settlement. Or if he does end up paralyzed I hope it’s a miserable life full of erectile dysfunction.

Okay if this seems cruel keep in mind he was mean to me. Also consider he has a non-ironic picture of him shirtless with a backwards hat standing in front of a mirror. Fuck people like that.

justin bieber(See the kind of people who do this? Wait this isn’t a selfie)

justin bieber2(Okay so Justin Bieber has no selfies of him shirtless with a backwards had. All other combinations do exist though. Ergo, the guy I know is a bigger douche than Justin Bieber)

  1. Aaaah the obvious selfie! Shirtless! Why? I really don’t understand how people can stand these pictures. They take themselves too serious.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I think he’s one of those people who has a completely different way of thinking…not thinking at all. He’s just very unaware, surprisingly something a lot of people have a problem with.

  2. I bet you’re just jealous of him cos he’s a real hottie. :3

    Why do people do that? Oh yeah, the kill before you get killed law. It kinda works the opposite for me though. I always remember how it felt to be the fat kid so I almost don’t make fun of fat people.

    Unless it’s that guy who died while sleeping with a hooker whom I can’t remember the name.

    • Mooselicker says:

      You shouldn’t make fun of Chris Farley :3

      I rank this guy in my Top 10 most hated people ever. God could do us all a favor and make his presence known by giving someone in their mid-20s an early heart attack.

  3. Lily says:

    It’s hard to out-do the doucheyness of the Biebs, but I guess if you try really hard anything can be accomplished.
    One of the many reasons I deactivated my account.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Someone on Facebook comment “Douchier than Bieber?” and I made a quip about how he shouldn’t be surprised based on the high school we went to. Immediately several people who attended the same high school agreed.

      Now I feel like a douche for repeating jokes said elsewhere.

      Hey, wanna hear something funny I said to someone else????

      • Lily says:

        Hahah I do that all the time. The jokes always fall shorts and turn into “you had to be there” moments. AKA the worst moments.

  4. I took a shirtless selfie once. I got away with it. They never even realized I took it! Those fools.

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