My dad used to drive a Ford Escort. After that he drove my mother to insanity. Now he drives around in circles whenever he comes to visit me because in 60 years he never learned to parallel park. He’s also probably reading this right now at 2 in the morning with something sugary in his hand.

TastykakeShelves(My dad’s murderers)

Fortunately for him I am not about to divulge his deepest, darkest, strangest secrets. What I really want to talk about are another kind of escorts, the kind you find on the Internet or in newspaper advertisements; the kind you hope don’t have testicles.

I am not sure how many men use escort services. What I do know is that many do. Often times late in the day my coworkers will sit around looking up different women on an escort service website. Look at me, making this whores sound refined. And look at me again, making it seem as if my coworkers don’t do it in the morning and all day long. Now I am in charge of collecting their phones from them because my job is to basically be the bad guy. I enjoy being the bad guy. They usually go into Wrestlemania as the champion.

WM18-TripleH2(Or if you’re Triple H you go into Wrestlemania as champion, leave as champion, gain another championship, and bang the boss’s daughter)

Have I ever gotten an escort? Nope. Have I thought about it? Of course I have. I also spend most of my time on public transit thinking awful thoughts, half fantasy and half to see if I will cross minds with a mind-reader, which I never have.

It strikes me as odd that males my age who insist they get “mad tail” would need to pay money to get “costly probably infected tail.” It strikes me even odder how much guys try to impress each other with machoism when it really just comes off more like they want to fuck each other. I have it in good faith that at least one of my coworkers writes fan fiction about us all getting it on.

(Seriously, watch this video)

I don’t think I would ever get an escort. I enjoy cuddling. I enjoy eating junk food and watching movies. Yes I enjoy other things you can do with a woman or a small man in a wig from behind. I am human after all. Escorts, or “goddamned dirty shameful sluts” as their jealous daddies call them, are not something I have near the top of my list of needed experiences. It’s too risky and there’s nothing a woman can do for me that a hole in a teddy bear cannot.

  1. The Waiting says:

    That poor teddy bear.

  2. rossmurray1 says:

    Of all the appalling things in this post, I’m most appalled that your dad can’t parallel park.

  3. Lily says:

    I never had to parallel park on my driver’s test so I’m right there with your dad. Although since moving to Canada I have learned how and I’m not that bad at it. So I’m actually not there with him.

    I love that video. She is my hero in life.
    Also, please never get an escort. That’s basically saying “I give up.”

    • Mooselicker says:

      You skipped parallel parking? How? That’s like the big finale? What did it finish with???

      What if my escort is Ashton Kutcher at a middle school dance and he asks to French?

      • Lily says:

        That is the only exception. Frenching. Such a great term.

        Uhh I think I only had to back around a corner haha. What a joke.

  4. Brother Jon says:

    “They frenched”. My, where did you find this video? Oh, and no escorts for me either.

  5. Triple H stands for Hard, Hot, and Homo right?

    The mental images of you getting it on with two black guy wannabes, a curly Jewish troublemaker, and um, a creative-writing weirdo is very…stimulating.

    And a teddy bear cannot do a leo on spiro, can it?

  6. Addie says:

    The video was deleted. I feel robbed.

  7. Lauri says:

    Video is still there.

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