I have nude photographs of myself. I have nude photographs of other people. Sometimes I know the people and sometimes I don’t. Sometimes they know me and sometimes they don’t because I drop it in their shopping cart then quickly run out of Shop Rite. What matters most is that people have seen me naked and I have seen them too.

The number of people who have seen me naked is pretty limited. The last one was a bug-eyed man taking a pee break next to me. I guess that doesn’t qualify as naked though, does it? Nudity is more than your genitals. Nudity also involves your shoulder, although in this instance I was dressed like Olivia Newton John with my shoulder strap down slightly.

physical1(So maybe her shoulder straps weren’t pulled down after all. I just can’t get over all of the fat men in diapers)

I am picky about who gets to see me naked. Not just any stranger gets the reward. Say for instance I want to go streaking. I will scream at people I do not want to see me naked to “turn around you’re making me uncomfortable, kid!”

I have seen other people naked too. I don’t like seeing boys naked. It’s like looking into a mirror or a paralel universe where I’m black and thicker in certain areas. Penises are great in their own right; capable of doing the job while still being as goofy as a Great Dane and coming in all shapes and sizes. Vaginas are more like Chinese people, all looking the same. I think I made that observation before because it sounds very familiar. Or maybe I have been horny and racist for longer than I thought.

As I type this I am not however horny. I am not naked either. I have a hat on I am unexposed. If someone where to walk in on me right now I would be like “Hey look I’m totally comfortable because only my hands and face are exposed, this isn’t enough nudity for me to feel insecure about although I do have dry skin on my face and hands so this is still not fun.” I would probably not say all of that, instead opting to just gasp then maybe take off my pants to scare them away.

kenny(This is how I look every day when I leave the house for my walk to work and then all day when I’m at work because there is no heat and my office is in a windowless closet. I made it!)

Nude photographs are a good present to give people even if they didn’t ask for it. The same way a cat will poop in your mouth while you are sleeping to let you know they love you, giving someone a nude photograph of yourself is a kind gesture. They don’t have to be fully nude either. My annual Christmas cards I mail out all have a stocking over my junk with the capture “Well, my stocking is stuffed!” In previous years I wore a Santa hat but this year I could not find it.

How many nude photographs of yourself do you own? How many of other people? Want to trade?

Oh and so I’m not disappointing you, here is a censored nude photograph of myself.

black-screen

Comments
  1. Too many. So much more. And yes.

  2. Also, I think I’ve seen your pee pee already.

  3. And why do you have so many typos?

  4. Lauri says:

    I have zero nude photos of myself and believe me, I never will.
    Especially now! LOL. A decade too late.
    I do have lots of photos of goofy Great Danes, and that’s not even a euphemism for penii.

  5. Addie says:

    None. None. I can’t trade what I don’t have, now can I?

  6. 1jaded1 says:

    None. I only have two pictures of me. Sorry.

  7. NO nude pictures of me exist. I cant tell you how many people are disappointed by that. Literally. I literally can’t tell you.

  8. I knew that is how you would look naked… hey, come over and help me break the record for most comments on a blog post… I need you!

  9. thehobbler says:

    I’m not much into nudity, but I have been to a nudist campground, quite a few times now with my husband. Naked people are pretty normal, turns out. The campground is one of the most relaxed and fun places we escape to, although the drinking might have a little something to do with that. 😉

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