Archive for February, 2014

How does one measure talent? To each of us, average skills are weighed differently. There are plenty of things I am good at. I have never once put a fork into a toaster (mostly because I do not own a toaster). I’m a very loving father and husband to my fictional family that does not exist. My talents are endless. However, there are five simple things everyone else can do that I never once have been able to pull off.

Snapping Fingers

Is it the friction of the skin or is it the cracking of the knuckles that causes the loud snapping sound? I have no clue. Never have I been able to probably snap. I imagine my hand breaking each time I try. When I do try, my fingers awkwardly rub together. The only sound anyone hears is embarrassment coming from my face for not being able to pull off one of the simplest of physical movements.

Broken_Finger_by_umop3pisdn(This is the only way I can ever snap my fingers–in an elevator door)

Blow Bubbles

I love chewing gum. I love chewing it so much I deny myself the right because I would become addicted. One of the perks of chewing gum is getting to blow bubbles, sometimes if you are feeling extra cruel, into other people’s hair. To be fair, I have gotten around three small bubbles in my lifetime, but not since the 1990s. My bubble blowing success resembles good Pearl Jam albums in that way. I have since given up trying to blow bubbles because it’s not cute anymore when a bubble appears through chapped lips and a five o’clock shadow.

ben affleck(This is the first time Ben Affleck blew something not named Matt Damon)

Ride a Bike

The biggest reason I have never tried out for ‘The Amazing Race’ other than I am not in good enough shape, cannot drive stick, and struggle to communicate with others while in pressure situations it that I never learned how to ride a bike. I can ice skate, which probably means I could fly a plane without practice, but riding a bike is something I never did without tipping over. This is a fine testament to the childhood I had where the only thing my parents taught me was that the louder you yell the more crying will occur.

dog bike(Great editing taking out the nails through the paws to keep the dog up)

Sit in a Chair Comfortably

Even the most laziest of activities I cannot do without failing. Sitting in a chair for me is torture. I have studied everything I have read online and never can I master this ancient art of doing nothing. My feet never touch the ground without stretching and my back always slouches. As I type this I am standing, which I do often. The standing has given me foot problems so I am basically headed down a path of being bedridden by 30.

Boy_sitting_in_Monte_Ne_chair_at_Frisco_Park,_1987(The kid not only looks comfortable in the chair, but he also has an awesome shirt and an epic haircut. I hate him!)

Whistle

Going to work is rarely fun. Going to work and not being able to obnoxiously whistle the entire time is even worse. I envy Snow White’s dwarves, whistling all day on the job. This is something I can never accomplish. It doesn’t matter how many times I watch the ending of ‘Casablanca’ and take the advice “Just put your lips together and blow.” When I try this spit flies and it sounds less like a bird call and more like a Whoopee cushion.

obama whistling(The president whistling for fun or getting ready to kiss a foreign dictator’s ass?)

I think the worst insult you can give a person is to tell them that they have a bad haircut. These are my reasons:

1) They look ugly. Nobody likes to look ugly. I do sometimes to keep some women and every homosexual man from touching me. You know how those gay men are, groping everyone they can. Plus people are nicer to you when you are ugly. They think you might be a dangerous serial killer and they have more respect for your personal space.

2) You paid to look ugly. The way we spend our money matters to other people for some reason. Making a poor purchase will change people’s opinions of us. Money is something that once you lose it you have no way of ever earning back. Haircuts are expensive too, starting at around $10 if you want a simple trim and some light flirting from the barber. They usually cost around $20 if you want to hear a good war story.

3) You accepted looking ugly. Not only do you look ugly and you paid for it, you accepted it. You rolled over and allowed yourself to appear less than perfect. The first thing people notice about each other is their skin color. The second is their haircut. If you have a bad one people will not like you.

I am not a person who ever has good haircuts. I shave my head once or twice a year and the rest of the time I let it grow out, dead and thinning. My hair looks like a brush fire went through it right now, probably because an actual hairbrush never has. Thank goodness for hats to hide my shame.

miley cyrus ugly hair miley cyrus haircut(Hey Stupid, put on a hat)

What’s your favorite insult?

I have not been updating this blog as much as I had planned this month. One could say I have been as busy as a beaver!

The first week this month I spent reliving Groundhog’s Day over and over again. It was really terrible having to watch that boring Super Bowl so many times. I actually didn’t watch it. This is called taking creative liberty like when people talk about slavery existing. Yeah right! Where’s the evidence?

slaves-in-field(Clearly Photoshopped! The guy in the back on the far right has a butt with 90 degree angles)

Then I was not home for a few days because I was staying with my girlfriend Molly.

Molly1

 

MollyClimbing

 

Then I came home and continued on with a normal life.

On Monday I received terrible news midday. Yahoo Sports where I have been writing terrific articles and making a nice coin while doing so will no longer accept contributions from asses like me beginning February 21st. After only 23 articles I have already gotten more views than I have from this blog. I’ve also been called an idiot a lot more too, I’m sure. I never look at the comments.

Upset by the news I arrived home where I actually received some awesome news. My sports blog Phalse Philly Sports has been discovered by several radio personalities in Philadelphia (okay, two of them) but one has actually mentioned my blog at least twice on his show and how much he loves it. He is also giving me the opportunity to produce a weekly segment for his show, which I will be working on this weekend after writing jokes for it all week long.

writing(My best joke it goes “Small squiggly line, big squiggly line, m, ink blot”)

I will continue to be a busy beaver into next week as I would like to write as many articles as I can for Yahoo Sports before they discontinue their program. There is supposedly a chance they could return to letting people like me contribute, but there is no guarantee.

That’s what I have been up to. I’d ask you what you have been doing, but I already told you about me and the only reason to ever ask anyone what they are up to or how they are feeling is so they ask you back. I said what I had to. Now be gone!

Here’s a conversation that has never happened.

“[insert something bad that has happened] to me.” – Person 1

“I’m so sorry to hear! I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.” – Person 2

“Thank you. I appreciate it. However, it would be far more helpful for you to do something.” – Person 1

Pause.

“No thank you. I am more comfortable thinking about your problem. To further help, before bed I will get on my knees, place my hands together, and ask someone else to offer their services to you.” – Person 2

“Okay. Thank you for doing the minimal.” – Person 1

TWO DAYS LATER

“Are things any better?” – Person 2

“Yes they are. I figured it out.” – Person 1

“It’s because I thought about your problem. It’s also because I got on my knees, placed my hands together, and asked someone else to offer their services to you.” – Person 2

“No.” – Person 1

I hate when people offer me their thoughts and prayers; although they rarely do. If people really were keeping people in their thoughts they would be immobile. If ever happen to pray for me I would like to know the exact words you use–just for curiosity’s sake. Never keep me in your thoughts or prayers if death is involved. That’s weird. I will then become “that person with a dead person they knew” if you have me in your thoughts and your prayers will have something to do with a zombie. Or maybe a vampire. According to True Blood lore, if someone dies you can bury them with a vampire and they will become a vampire’s slave. And that television program knows a lot of shit about logic.

tonydanza(“Thoughts and prayers. Thoughts and prayers.” – Tony Danza lending a helping hand)

According to sources, today is the Big Game. I cannot say the more commonly used word for the Big Game as I was sued in 1997 for doing it. Ever since not being able to pay and having my legs broke, I have been very careful not to make the same mistake again.

I have little experience in watching the Big Game. Only in 2008 when the New York Giants defeated the New England Patriots have I ever watched a game all the way through. It was the lone Big Game Party I was ever invited to. I think I ate some chicken. There was a kid that looked like Zac Efron there. I ate some hot sauce too and didn’t spill any.

zac-efron(Speaking of hot sauce, where’s this kid’s belt???)

I remember watching a little bit of a Big Game many years ago. I did not understand the sport. It was at that moment I realized I might be a woman. Not that all women are incapable of understanding sports. I just think there are a lot out there who do not. When you call them the Cincinnati Bangles every time your team plays them your interests are better suited for 1980s pop music.

The+Bangles+-+Hazy+Shade+Of+Winter+-+5-+CD+SINGLE-51059(Good move adding “Includes: Walk Like an Egyptian” because nobody would buy it otherwise)

The last few years I was usually doing something else on Big Game Sunday. Since I haven’t had cable in a while my viewership has been limited to the radio broadcast. I use theater of the mind in order to have something to talk about with others the following day.

Last year I listened to the game on the radio. I lied to a couple of people the next day and said I was at a Big Game Party because saying I sat around at home listening to the game on the radio because I do not have cable because I find it unnecessary and distracting while doing pushups every 10 minutes to better increase my desirableness to the opposite sex and only a few members of the same sex would have taken a long time.

the-ideal-male-body-weight-chart-attractiveness-2(I don’t match any of these! Darn media and their portrayal of the human body!)

I will probably have to lie about watching the Big Game again this year because I work with mostly men who think they know sports. One said Pete Rose is the all-time hits leader with 3,000 of them. Another said the Detroit Red Wings are the second best team in the NHL this season. My apologies to 1jaded1 of Stuphblog for bringing this up.

Come Monday I will probably try to finagle my way through a conversation, pretending as if I actually watched the Big Game. Again, this is easier than the long explanation. Considering the one guy said “What am I supposed to do with my W-2 Form?” we can assume he never worries about money. His father is also a New York stockbroker so he hasn’t had a hard day in his life.

Enjoy the Big Game everyone. Or don’t. Doesn’t matter to me.