How does one measure talent? To each of us, average skills are weighed differently. There are plenty of things I am good at. I have never once put a fork into a toaster (mostly because I do not own a toaster). I’m a very loving father and husband to my fictional family that does not exist. My talents are endless. However, there are five simple things everyone else can do that I never once have been able to pull off.

Snapping Fingers

Is it the friction of the skin or is it the cracking of the knuckles that causes the loud snapping sound? I have no clue. Never have I been able to probably snap. I imagine my hand breaking each time I try. When I do try, my fingers awkwardly rub together. The only sound anyone hears is embarrassment coming from my face for not being able to pull off one of the simplest of physical movements.

Broken_Finger_by_umop3pisdn(This is the only way I can ever snap my fingers–in an elevator door)

Blow Bubbles

I love chewing gum. I love chewing it so much I deny myself the right because I would become addicted. One of the perks of chewing gum is getting to blow bubbles, sometimes if you are feeling extra cruel, into other people’s hair. To be fair, I have gotten around three small bubbles in my lifetime, but not since the 1990s. My bubble blowing success resembles good Pearl Jam albums in that way. I have since given up trying to blow bubbles because it’s not cute anymore when a bubble appears through chapped lips and a five o’clock shadow.

ben affleck(This is the first time Ben Affleck blew something not named Matt Damon)

Ride a Bike

The biggest reason I have never tried out for ‘The Amazing Race’ other than I am not in good enough shape, cannot drive stick, and struggle to communicate with others while in pressure situations it that I never learned how to ride a bike. I can ice skate, which probably means I could fly a plane without practice, but riding a bike is something I never did without tipping over. This is a fine testament to the childhood I had where the only thing my parents taught me was that the louder you yell the more crying will occur.

dog bike(Great editing taking out the nails through the paws to keep the dog up)

Sit in a Chair Comfortably

Even the most laziest of activities I cannot do without failing. Sitting in a chair for me is torture. I have studied everything I have read online and never can I master this ancient art of doing nothing. My feet never touch the ground without stretching and my back always slouches. As I type this I am standing, which I do often. The standing has given me foot problems so I am basically headed down a path of being bedridden by 30.

Boy_sitting_in_Monte_Ne_chair_at_Frisco_Park,_1987(The kid not only looks comfortable in the chair, but he also has an awesome shirt and an epic haircut. I hate him!)

Whistle

Going to work is rarely fun. Going to work and not being able to obnoxiously whistle the entire time is even worse. I envy Snow White’s dwarves, whistling all day on the job. This is something I can never accomplish. It doesn’t matter how many times I watch the ending of ‘Casablanca’ and take the advice “Just put your lips together and blow.” When I try this spit flies and it sounds less like a bird call and more like a Whoopee cushion.

obama whistling(The president whistling for fun or getting ready to kiss a foreign dictator’s ass?)

Comments
  1. The Ben Affleck thing caused me to pee my pants. So thanks for that!

  2. 1jaded1 says:

    With PBO, it’s the latter…wait…I mean the former…please don’t come for me…nooo.

    Funny, and there is still time to learn.

  3. Lauri says:

    A laugh in every sentence!
    *tries to snap fingers. nevermind, arthritis!*

  4. joehoover says:

    Do you mean snapping fingers as clicking them or when people clasp their hands and stretch them out so every knuckle cracks. I am disabled in that I can’t click my fingers like you do to music. People have tried to teach me for years and got really pissed off thinking I am not doing it on purpose, honestly not, my fingers just don’t make a sound.

    I don’t really care, what is the point in snapping your fingers, people who do it to music are embarrassing anyway, people who do it to waiters are assholes. There is not one scenario where it is acceptable to snap your fingers.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I mean the one you’re talking about. Although, I cannot crack my knuckles either. I mean, I can. I just don’t feel like I have control of it.

      People do a lot of embarrassing things when it comes to music. Especially teenage girls and their head movements.

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