Archive for May, 2014

“Excuse me. I’m trying to get a cup of coffee. Could you spare 25 cents?”

Those words exact words were said to me twice by the same person in the span of a month. It’s an old guy I frequently pass on my way to work. In list form, let me tell you what’s wrong with what he is saying:

1) He did not fart – “Excuse me” should be reserved for farting or being in someone’s way. He was no in my way either. In fact, he was creepily leering out from the doorway of his home which I believe is a halfway house.

2) He was not trying to get a cup of coffee. If he was in front of Dunkin Donuts or Starbucks, then he’d be trying. Like I said, he’s leering like Jack the Ripper from around a corner. The effort he is giving is so minimal I couldn’t help but lie to him on both occasions and let him know I did not have any money on me.

3) Why does an old person need coffee? The last thing an old person should want to do is be wide awake.

4) 25 cents is such a specific amount. Tax included, most coffee is probably like $1.23 or something like that. I’m not sure. Whenever I need a morning rush I race a stranger’s car or flick a booger at a police officer after posing as a tourist looking for directions. Both get the heart pumping, something this guy does not need.

Now I am always having to avoid eye contact with this old man whenever I pass by him. I often pretend to send text messages to my friends, which if he knew me would know that was a complete lie as I have none.

So before you go asking for money from people, get to know them first. He could have at least pretended to be homeless or have a gun.

dracula-1931-peeking-around-corner(“I’m trying to get a coffee…”