I had a bunch of stuff I planned to publish on Yahoo before they made the executive decision to shut the site down. This coming after the Yahoo purchased the site Associated Content several years ago for a couple million dollars only to never really take advantage of it. They own Tumblr too now, a site nobody uses. Tumblr is like the worst of every other site out there and it’s owned by that cunt Marissa Mayer who owns Yahoo. In short, here’s something I had planned to publish there.
Five Least Effective Ab Exercises
We all dream of having six-pack abs, but not all of us have the patience to figure out how to do it. Truthfully I have no idea either. What I do know are the exercises you shouldn’t do if you want to have washboard abs.
Eating a Tub of Ice Cream
By some accounts a gluttonous activity, eating a tub of ice cream does have some health benefits. Ice cream is high in calcium plus the more you eat the more overheating your body becomes which burns calories. Unfortunately the calories they burn are excessive already and really it’s just trying to catch up to normal. You will never achieve six-pack abs if you decide to eat lots of ice cream. Instead opt for some frozen snow peas. They are practically the same thing!
It has become common knowledge how ineffective stomach crunches are for abs. The same can be said about stomach punches. Hitting yourself or having a friend give you jabs to midsection is not only a bad way to get in shape, it can also kill you. This is how magician Harry Houdini died. Houdini however was not trying to get in shape for summer. He was merely trying to prove a point, which he didn’t.
Drawing Abs on Your Stomach with Permanent Marker
Don’t let the packaging fool you; permanent marker is only temporary when drawn on skin. Yes you should probably call up the patent office and demand a refund if you are one of the millions of people who draw ab muscles on your belly only to have it wash off the following week when you finally took a shower. The same can be said about t-shirts with fake abs on them. These articles of clothing only offer a temporary solution to your round stomach problem.
Ironing Your Flesh
Never touch a hot iron to your skin! No matter how much your trainer insists this is a quick way to get a six-pack, it is nothing more than broscience. Irons are for clothes and dropping down dumbwaiters onto criminals like in the first Home Alone movie. If you were to try ironing your stomach to tone up your ab muscles you would instead end up in the hospital where you will end up gaining a few pounds from all of the delicious hospital food.
Standing in front of the Microwave
George Washington was the first to warn about the dangers of standing in front of the microwave. As a President of the United States we have to trust him. While there is no proven danger that results from parking your stomach in front of what basically equates to a small box of nuclear weaponry, this is not a way to slim down. Surely a better option would be to, while the microwave is heating up a low-carb meal, lift it up and down over your head while contracting your abs in a forceful outward motion.
(Because if your stomach doesn’t look like this you are living a worthless existence)