While I was minding my own business and getting involved in other people’s I shouldn’t have, I received a Facebook message I was not expecting. Unlike most random Facebook messages it didn’t go to my “Other” folder which is filled with pretty girls confessing their love for me. Unfortunately many of them committed suicide before we could begin a romance. Several of them even blamed me for their decision to end their own lives. There are also a bunch of invitations to events I had no interest in attending so not everything is really sad there.

The message I got went something like this:

Hi Tim! I found your fb page through a friend’s list.
I’m currently recruiting people who want to go to Israel next summer for free! The trip is sponsored by The Jewish Federation of Philadelphia and it’s similar to Birthright except it’s longer and while there, you would take classes at Yeshiva/seminary, which is very interesting! In order to qualify, you must be Jewish and between the ages of 18 and 29. I got back from the trip a couple weeks ago and speaking from personal experience, it’s definitely the trip of a lifetime If you qualify and it’s something you might be interested in, feel free to message me back and I’ll be glad to send you more info. I hope to hear from you soon!
P.S. I know this may seem like a scam but I promise it’s not! If you would like to meet in person to discuss the trip, I would be more than willing to.

I can’t just ignore this kind of bullshit. This is the worst type of marketing I have ever seen. There was no attempt to possibly establish if I was even qualified for such a, what sounds like, terribly awful moment of my life. On my list of places I would like to go to Israel is probably near the bottom next to Afghanistan and work on Mondays.

As soon as I read it I wanted to give several smart ass responses. I was furious. It’s like when people in Times Square try to sell me rap CDs. I don’t listen to rap. In fact, I don’t even listen to my own thoughts thanks to my new prescription antidepressants I am currently abusing (with alcohol).

I took the high-road though and responded with:

I’m Chinese so I don’t qualify

Clearly I am not Chinese. I am as far from Chinese as a person can get; unless you ask a Japanese person because they insist they are the opposite of Chinese. I don’t think they are. I think they are like blueberries and raspberries. They are very similar. It’s like the Irish and English would be more like apples and bananas. I pair apples and bananas together because both allow the eater to have something to throw out the car window if they so choose. In my humble opinion, you should always choose.

Then she responds with:

So that means you’re not Jewish?

Something was not getting through. I’m not even sure why there was such an eagerness to put me in harm’s way. Isn’t there a current mass of suicide bombings in the Middle East right now? I swear I saw it trending online. Or maybe it was the Midwest. I always forget which one of those places is backwards and puts too much blind faith in a god.

Then I said:

Yes

And she cuntilly (is it one L or two?) added:

Ok, thanks for responding anyway.

To sum it up, please avoid sending me silly messages like this without doing a little bit of research first. She is very lucky I didn’t say something mean to hurt her feelings. I still would like to know what she thinks a Chinese person looks like if I’m passable.

Comments
  1. rossmurray1 says:

    “Cuntilly Lace,” the Big Bopper’s greatest hit.

  2. the best thing abt Birthright is that everyone has the same exact pictures. Its like they think its the unique trip of a lifetime, but everyone had the sane trip. Ill pass. Plus, camping in the Israeli desert would scare me to death.

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