Today is the first full day of the NFL season. I’m so excited, one of my nipples is slightly less puffy. Here is a comprehensive list of several NFL teams and which country would best represent where they currently stand.
(It took me far too long to realize this is the wrong football)
Seattle Seahawks – The United States
The defending champion Seattle Seahawks would have to be the United States. The USA is the most powerful country in the world in most ways. They have a few other things in common too. Both have great defenses and are a little too arrogant.
Dallas Cowboys – Russia
The Dallas Cowboys might be the most hated team in the NFL. That’s not to say Russia in the most hated nation, however, recent events has them held in a negative light. Even in times of turmoil, both Russia and the Cowboys are seen as potential threats. Come the fourth quarter with everything on the line, it would be interesting to see who performs better–Vladimir Putin or Tony Romo.
Pittsburgh Steelers – England
A team filled with great tradition, the Pittsburgh Steelers represents England well. England was a powerhouse for a long time throughout history. Now a more peaceful country far less focused on imperialism, they still have plenty of worldly success. Steelers’ fans and the English have their greatest triumphs from long ago. This still doesn’t mean things can turn around immediately for either.
Jacksonville Jaguars – Madagascar
Irrelevancy, easily forgotten, and few free agents even contemplating a visit has the Jacksonville Jaguars and the island nation of Madagascar as nearly identical. I hear both have pretty nice weather too and only one is poorly run by its general manager.
New England Patriots – China
The best selection to represent China would be the New England Patriots. Completely contradictory based on the team nickname, the Chinese are still a perfect match. They have each gone through long periods of success with very little downfall. More importantly they march to beat of their own drum not caring what anyone else thinks. Their spies are both pretty good too.
San Francisco 49ers – Canada
This seemingly odd pairing does have merit to it. First, the city of San Francisco and the nation of Canada are very progressive thinking places. Second, the 49ers are currently the little brother of the championship Seahawks the same way Canada is the younger sibling to the United States.
Green Bay Packers – Japan
Japan cares about their history and image as do the Green Bay Packers. While you may never find anyone in Japan wearing a giant fake cheese on their head, this humble nation would be a good representative of the Packers organization. For as great as the Packers usually are it’s never really thrown in anyone’s face. The Japanese never brag about inventing Tamagatchi Pets.
Buffalo Bills – Mongolia
Even after multiple attempts at winning a Super Bowl the Buffalo Bills always failed. In a very similar fashion, the Mongolian Empire always came up short when trying to invade China. The Bills had Scott Norwood and the Mongols had the Great Wall of China stopping them; both very wide right.
Cleveland Browns – Cuba/North Korea
The Cleveland Browns might just be the most embarrassing football team in the league. Art Modell would play the role of Communist dictator well in this story of the team representing either Cuba or North Korea. It doesn’t really matter because both are a little too clumsy to ever do any serious damage.