Gym Class Zeroes

Posted: November 12, 2014 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Unless you got a really good note from a doctor, you probably had to participate in gym class during your youth. From kindergarten until for some of us university, we had to learn physical education. During my time learning about my body and how useless it was when it came to sports, I realized there were always the same types of kids in my gym class every year.

gym class

(I couldn’t find a good picture of kids in gym class so I used this one of them running away from a classmate with a gun)

The Athlete

My high school had a lot of really talented athletes who went on to do nothing with their abilities because as talented at sports as they were in comparison to me they really weren’t very good compared to the Soviets or anyone else who drinks blood before going for a jog. The Athlete treats gym class as an exhibition. He will dominate you at foursquare and he doesn’t hide in the back of the kickball batting lineup like I always did. This is also the one subject the athlete can shine in. They tend to smile at the girls after scoring a layup and it always does the trick, charming the gym shorts off the females in the class.

The Girl

I thought girls were smart. Gym class proved to me that I was mistaken. So many girls would do whatever they could to get out of participating in gym class. Looking back I’m sure a lot of it had to do with their teenage body insecurities, but at the same time it’s not like I came from a generation that made us shower after class. I saw too many honor roll quality females get a C in gym class for simply not making an attempt at hitting a volleyball. Some girls who were otherwise social turned into shelled up antisocial outcasts during gym. They basically turned into me and that’s just sad.

The Red Faced Fat Kid

This was the category I often fell into. I was pretty competitive at sports before I didn’t have constant hip pain like I do now. When you are overweight and give it your all in sports this disgusting thing happens to your face where it turns red. Being of Irish descent, meaning I have the complexion of an unused Aryan toilet seat, my red face was a big change from my usual pale rash skin. I spent way too much time in gym class trying to win then heading off to math class smelling terrible and I would like to apologize to everyone who had to smell my pits whenever I raised my hand.

The Troublemaker

I have no medical license so I cannot completely diagnose these students who I saw as the gym class troublemakers. If I had to guess though they would probably have some form of severe ADD or demonic possession. Every year in gym class there was at least one kid who spent the entire period making monkey sounds while climbing on things he wasn’t supposed to. Other kids would shoot basketballs, purposefully missing and trying to hit other students in the head. I know this because sometimes I would do that. Given the choice between being known as the sweaty fat kid with the red face and the jerk, I will take being the jerk for eternity.

The Wannabe Athlete

These kids tended to hang around the real athletes only to realize they weren’t nearly as talented. Most of the time they were on the football team only because everyone makes the football team. After all, someone needs to get knocked over on a special teams play. The wannabe athletes were normally kids who would talk a big game and rarely back it up. At least as a red faced fat kid I wore my game on my face and on the huge circular sweat stain on the small of my back.

The Kid That Always Gets Hurt

You can toss this kind of gym class kid into any of the other categories as well, but this one is a necessary add-on for sure. Other than using a protractor incredibly wrong, gym class is usually the only class in school you will get hurt. A lot of the kids who always got hurt were athletes or the wannabe athletes. There was one kid I went to school with for years and every time he barely got touched he would pretend he was hurt really bad. He did this mostly whenever his team was losing or he screwed up, attempting to mask how his giant oval-shaped head was slowing him down during flag football. For some reason in his head he thought it was better to cry from an injury than admitting someone beat him fairly. I went to school with that kid for 13 years and we only have 5 mutual friends on Facebook. That shows you how different our social circles were.

The Take It Too Seriously Kid

Again, you can be other things and still be the take it too seriously kid. These classmates act as if they are going to win something more than a high-five from a teammate. The sport I remember seeing this kid in most was volleyball. My middle school and high school loved volleyball tournaments because it was non-violent and could be coed. Whenever a ball would land near a girl and she would step out of the way the kid who took it too seriously would scream at her like she lied about being on birth control. Why would you ever scream at a girl for wanting to not get sweaty? Needless to say, the kids that took gym class too seriously all ended up alone.

The Nerdy Girl That Actually Did Try

I would hate for you to think that I didn’t notice the girls who did try in gym class. Oddly enough from my experiences, the only ones who tried hard were the nerdy girls nobody ever noticed. Perhaps this is why they tried in gym class, to finally gain some credibility in the school. Most specifically I remember a particular nerdy girl trying to catch a kickball only for it to hit her in the face and knock her flat on her back. I think after that she learned her lesson that sports aren’t for everybody and she should stick to being weird and getting good grades. I have no idea where she ended up in life. Kudos to her, I wish I could be as elusive.

Comments
  1. Addie says:

    I was one of those.

  2. 1jaded1 says:

    Haha. I was the nerdy girl that did try, except mine was a volleyball smack dab in the face…Thanks for the memories!

    • Mooselicker says:

      Oh geez! I have a big head so I would actually use my head during volleyball to hit it over the night. It made everyone laugh and then another kid tried it so I didn’t look as cool.

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