As if I’m not already taking up too much of my time chasing an impossible dream, I began writing for a new website. This new task has taken away from working on other projects, but from what I have learned in the last year, writing seriously has a much bigger benefit in the long run than trying to make people laugh does. In fact, making people laugh is pretty much a waste of time. Why put so much effort into something a feather to a foot can?
Anyway, the new site I’m contributing for is called Call to the Pen. For those unfamiliar with baseball, it’s a slang term for–I’m not going to even bother. To view my articles exclusively I will redirect you to my other baseball site I write by myself and the page I have dedicated to this new site. I figure, if you are interested enough to click on one link, you will probably click on a second.
There are a lot of things I am afraid to admit to others. One thing I am never afraid to admit is that I am a former fatty. When people look at me now they cannot imagine me obese. How could this slouchy shouldered, bad postured, girly forearmed guy have once been fat? I probably bring it up way too often to people, especially new ones I meet because losing weight is indeed something to be proud of. I was on a path to die in my 30s of a heart attack or eating myself to death after seeing how far away the fridge was. As proud as anyone should be when they drop a lot of weight, some people take it to a point where it becomes annoying. We all overcome obstacles and many of us are better people later on in life because we grew up struggling. There is a line that some former fat people cross where their actions are less inspiring and more irritating than anything else.
1) Remind You About It
Every once in a while is fine. When I say every once in a while too I mean it should happen once unsolicited with each person and thereafter should only come up in conversation when it’s related. Some former fat people seem to bring up their weightloss all of the time. I like to live by the theory that I may have been the person to lose the weight, but I was also the idiot who never could figure out how to put down a box of donuts. It’s like saving someone from a fire you started. There’s far less to be proud about.
2) Show You Pictures
I know more than six people who carry around, either in their wallets or on their phones, pictures of themselves when they were fat. I probably know eight people in total so that’s a pretty high percentage. There are approximately two pictures that exist of me from age 13-16, at my highest weight. The rest of those few pictures were destroyed because I don’t want to be reminded of how great eating a ton of food is, something those pictures might do. If people don’t believe me that I used to be fat then that’s their fault for having trust issues. If they must be convinced I’m sure there’s a stretchmark somewhere on my body that can act as some hard proof, or in my stomach’s case, mushy proof.
3) Act As If They Are Really Good-Looking Now
Most people will lose weight and become better looking, especially when it’s a large amount that needed to come off. While they may look better, they still don’t always look good. This happened to me when I first lost weight. I assumed I was a “stud muffin express” when really I was just a smaller version of my former self. Former fat people need to be reminded that life doesn’t end after they drop the weight. We need to remind them that there is still work to be done and not to get too cocky. They are still the same boring person they were 100 pounds ago.
4) Let Their Insecurities Hinder Your Life
Living a healthy life is great. When your lifestyle affects those around you, like you can only go to certain restaurants because you still have issues being around food, it becomes a problem. There is no way ice cream can ever be in my apartment without me emptying it out within the first hour it gets there. I know that, but I never disallow others to eat ice cream around me. The worst part is when the former fat person either must go to a certain restaurant or their schedule doesn’t work with yours because it’s during their fasted cardio session or whatever dumb fad they are into that week. Insecurities should never change the lives of others. This makes people not like you and then the made-up fears in your head will be true.
5) Offering You Advice
One former fat kid in my high school tried giving me the advice that I should never eat potatoes unless I eat meat with it too. This was terrible advice because first of all I didn’t ask for it and second of all I would never ask him for advice about anything because as a person he was below average. There is an art to reading people and whether or not they are too afraid to ask for help, which many are and will probe you to do so. Offering forceful advice out of the blue almost always is met with a negative reaction. People will ask how you lost the weight and that’s when you go into your giant explanation and share your story like it’s an episode of Oprah.
If you are someone who lost a lot of weight be proud and be modest. Nobody likes a showoff. Keep bragging about your accomplishments and you will eventually become the people you hated most.
(Everybody’s favorite former fatty, Steve Bartman)
When a bee is born it is a baby. Some babybees, however, even as adults maintain the babybee title.
I am a babybee and I actually have a babybee of my own. My babybee is great and here are 22 reasons why because it is 11 twice.
1)Â My babybee is great because she has lots of talents. I’m amazed sometimes by how much she can do. First she learned how to sing, then she learned how to draw, then it was dance, and finally it was figuring out how to write. I’m not sure which of these is the best because my babybee can do them all. This counts as one, however, I will include more on each.
2) My favorite song of my babybee is the Babybee Song. It’s best used for birthdays and reminding people about the size of their genital. My babybee actually won a competition singing Carol of the Bells; you know, the song the Trans Siberian Orchestra made popular.
3) Drawing may actually be my favorite thing the babybee can do. I suck at drawing so I appreciate it when I see very good art, particularly when it’s of people or dogs I care about.
(How many people can say strangers have their artwork hanging on their walls?)
4) The dancing isn’t something I have seen my babybee do very much. Since I am already an expert dancer, I’m not sure how impressed I would be with anything my babybee can do. At the same time, I know by now there are no limits to what she can.
5) Finally there’s writing, which I know for a fact is something my babybee is very passionate about. This might be the one thing my babybee has most in common with me, especially since my babybee knows very little about sports. I should hate her for that though, right?
6) Combined with all of these skills, the babybee’s talents are limitless. Her only flaw might be her jealousy of smelly fat men pretending to be Indian women, but that’s okay. Nobody is perfect although she’s pretty close and would say I am too.
(Actor Dennis Farina makes babybee jealous she is so silly)
7) Aside from her many talents, babybee is the perfect partner for making fun of everyone. Sometimes it gets really cruel to the point where if anyone else found out the way we speak about them, we’d only have each other. But that’s okay because then we’d be two bees in a pod and there’s no better thought in the entire world than this.
8) At this point I have been writing this in non-list form and just putting a number in front of each paragraph. For number 8, I would like to mention how forgiving and accepting my babybee is and let you know the rest of this list will be a little more traditional.
9) Babybee is not judgmental even when I eat two Medi-wraps, protein bars, and a giant Snapple (what are those?).
(Now stop asking)
10) Babybee is very supportive and reads about baseball and lets me cuddle with my baseball with my hip without getting too angry.
11) Babybee knows not to make sound effects whenever I drink water because I will choke from laughing.
12) Babybee stays up late and sacrifices precious sleep–usually for me! Even I wouldn’t do this because I am nowhere near as great as Babybee.
13) Babybee makes me really long books of cartoons and lets me keep them even though it would mean owning another blank notebook without lines!!!
(Babybee porn)
14) Babybee doesn’t need expensive jewelry, clothes, or shoes. She doesn’t even wear makeup yet she’s as adorable as a micropenis. Shit, I’d call her as beautiful as a butt!
15) Babybee always has good TV show and movie recommendations.
(If only Lucy Liu was there)
16) Babybee is second most logical person I know after me. She’s also the second biggest piggy after me which makes things perfect.
17) Babybee can always make me laugh even though she is a woman.
18) Babybee has the best declarations ever.
19) Babybee can deadlift 80 pounds on the first try. She is such a Pac-Woman.
(Maybe one day she can be this beautiful)
20) Babybee is good complimenter/liar. I haven’t decided yet.
21) Babybee understands everything I tell her with the exception of one joke about boobs.
22) Babybee would be a good mama even if she makes mama face at our babybee someday.
I could go on further about how great babybee is. Did I even mention DF? Or candies? Or the Spiro treatments? I didn’t. There’s those.
There’s too much to mention about babybee and what a great human-being she is for one post. She has saved lives for fuck sake! Speaking of fuck, if babybee was here right now she’d probably say:
I made an observation recently that I had no immediate answer to. Nearly every wealthy person I encounter is stunningly beautiful. Man, woman, white, black, gay, straight, and any combination of everything there is out there, most of these prosperous people are pleasing on the eye. They are fit, have great skin, and their faces are so beautiful I wonder what horrible things I did in a past life to get the one I have. After much thought I have come up with a few possibilities as to why people with money are so aesthetically pleasing.
They Can Afford Food and Personal Trainers:
When you have money you have a distinct advantage over the rest of the world. Everything costs money. I have never been a fan of the phrase “the best things in life are free” because this insinuates that Government Cheese is one of the best things in life. Healthy food is very expensive as are personal trainers. We all know by now that what you eat is the most important thing that affects your health, other than the obvious like playing in traffic or getting in trouble with the mafia. People who can afford to eat a nutritious and filling meal every day are going to be pretty healthy. People who can afford to do that while having personal training sessions at the same time are going to be even healthier. Could money be the main factor behind their beauty? The weights I lift are rusted and the only vegetables I eat are ketchup packets I steal from the corner store. So far, I’m not ruling it out.
They Are Rich Only Because They Look Good:
If money isn’t the most important thing in life then it’s being good-looking. Hey, I didn’t make the rules. This is just how things are. There always is the possibility that rich people are rich because of their good looks. Maybe they were hired because the person who did the interview found them attractive. And then there are jobs like professional model where being beautiful is what you do. Think of it in a way where you go to a restaurant and the waiter or waitress is unattainably attractive. Do you or do you not leave a little heftier tip? I always do because deep down somewhere in my soul I think it will make her like me. The same most likely happens with the wealthy. For instance, having a well-muscled lawyer with perfect hair and a strong jaw may be able to swing a shallow jury easier than an old man with a hunchback and pencil mustache.
They Have Gotten So Powerful That They No Longer Work Much:
Take a moment to think about your boss. Do they or do they not work far less than you do? In most fields it seems to me that the higher you get the less you actually do. When you have less work to do you have more time to do things that you want, like beautifying your body. Having worked for insanely rich people, I know they have wacky schedules. They seem to have every afternoon free to slap on a jogging suit and burn off carbohydrates. Could they be at the point in their careers where they are nothing more than a figurehead? I would simply ask them, but I’m not even close to their level in society yet. I am afraid they may speak to me like a dog.
It’s An Illusion:
I have to consider all possibilities here. Maybe these people are not physically attractive. Maybe these people appear attractive because they radiate confidence, since they bleed cash. I know if I was extremely well-to-do I would walk with my chest out, my hips forward, and a big grin on my face. Confidence is attractive for sure. I doubt this is the true reason why rich people are hot, but I didn’t want to leave anything out.
They Actually Do Work Hard At Everything:
This is crazy, but maybe rich people work hard at their jobs and still make time to live a healthy lifestyle. Not just anybody can start up a corporation or get a clearly guilty man an innocent verdict. There are a ton of rich people who inherited the cash the same as there are enough who really did earn it. The answer as to why they are so attractive will probably never fully be clear. For now though, I’m going to give them credit. I will continue staring at them from a distance while admiring their beauty, quietly wondering how I too could look so beautiful.
(But sometimes people not so rich are as beautiful as Joe Millionaire. Just look at those beautiful tan lines all over his face)
Mooselicker 