Resume
I’ve been reading a couple of blogs on this website trying to steal ideas. One thing I noticed is that several people have a page where they post their resume. I thought I should do the same.
Resumes are a list of achievements that are made to brag to potential employers. That’s roughly what resume translates to from it’s native Austrian root. Here is my list of bragging statements.
Awards
-2 Time Little League Baseball Champion
-2 Time Little League Baseball Most Improved Player Award Winner
-1 Time Little League Baseball, Fall Ball, Participation Award Winner
-Honor Roll 8 Straight Years Starting in Kindergarten
-1 Time 3rd Grade Recess Soccer MVP (Goaltending)
-1 Time 8th Grade Intramurals Defensive MVP (League Leader in Sacks)
-1 Time Bernie Award Winner for Best Screenplay in a Class of 20
-1 Time Craption Award Winner, Cracked.com
-Multiple Chinese Auction Winner
-Multiple Lottery Ticket Winner
-154 Time Winner of an iPod (Various Websites)
-4 Time Minesweeper Expert Level Winner
-6 Time Spider Solitaire Intermediate Level Winner
-5 Years of Service Award from my work
-3 Time Mortal Kombat Winner (Twice as Sonja Blade, a chick)
-1 Time 8th Grade Woodshop/Metal Shop “Great Effort” Award Winner
-4 Time Versatile Blogger Award Winner
-3 Time Liebster Award Winner
Special Skills
-Once Knew All 50 State Capitals
-Once Bench Pressed 170 Pounds (*Note: It didn’t make it down, I just held it up, but that’s the hard part anyway)
-Can Name How Every Terrorist in Die Hard was Killed
-Once Memorized an Entire Episode of “The Simpsons” Word for Word
-Can Eat A Lot
-Good Sense of Direction
-Can Save Excel Documents Under Pressure
-Once Turned an Unassisted Triple Play in 8th Grade Gym Class
-3 Years of High School Spanish (*Note: Haven’t had much use, but I retain knowledge well)
-Can Do Mental Math
-Familiar With Screenplay Formatting and Fonts
-Can Read Non-Digital Clocks Quickly
Previous Jobs
-Dog Walker
-House Sitter
-Good Listener
-Friend
-Brownie Taster
-Ebay Action Figure Salesperson
What I Have To Offer The Company:
Good values, a quirky wit, spontaneous hours, a good work ethic, strong legs, robot like ability to subdue all emotions, bad handwriting, fast typing, ability to lift average to below average boxes, and a submission attitude toward my work.
Closing Argument:
If I seem like someone that you would like to hire for your company, contact me. You probably will not regret it.
Mooselicker 
Minesweeper expert is REALLY hard!! Congrats!
Thanks! It’s scary because once you get really into Minesweeper, you start to see numbers out in plain sight away from the computer screen. Kind of trippy.
Happens all the time, I’m glad that it’s not just me! And then there’s this terrible smiley face staring me down all the time. I just discovered your blog and LOVE it by the way.
Thank you 🙂
Some of the greatest discoveries ever take a while. Nobody discovered airplanes until about 100 years ago. How did we get places before that, hmmm? I shouldn’t quiz you. That’s very unwelcoming.
Consider yourself ‘followed’.
That’s an impressive list. I’ve gotten “Most Improved Runner Up” for swimming. Just let that one sink in for a minute.
I’d hate to hear what happened to the kids who didn’t win any awards….
http://www.smithsonianmag.com/contact-us/humour-guidelines.html
Hey, check this site out, apparently they pay good money for well written and funny articles. You should definitely submit this resume to them!
I’m definitely going to submit something to them at least. Thanks for the link. If I get a $1,000 you can expect a $10 check in the mail!
The expert level winner at minesweep was a win for me, some would say that’s the greatest achievement anyone could accomplish.
brownie tastier!? did you work for your mom? lol
She worked for me.
Impressive. But not nearly as impressive as mine: Grand champion chicken raiser in the 4-H fair in rural Tennessee. I have the trophy and everything. It’s a giant chicken with a purple ribbon on it. I know, right? So jealous . . . .
I nominated you for the Liebster and versatile blogger awards! I hope you don’t have more than 200 followers (I mean, I do, I wish you all the best, obviously, but then I messed up on the liebster award.. argh rules shmules)!
I wish I had that many too. I should have that many. I’m wonerful like that.
Congrats on winning the award!
I don’t have a job for you, but, I’m interested in a slightly uses iPod.
Wow 3 people said that in this week. I actually have two and unfortunately someone is buying it off of me for $80 and I was already going to give that one to my dad so now I’m giving him the slightly used one. There’s probably too much Guns N Roses on there anyway that you’d become an alcoholic owning it.
“Spontaneous hours” – employers love that s***. You’re in there like swimwear!
Bosses like surprises.
In there like swimwear? I’ve never heard that one. Must use.
‘Can eat a lot’ – personal favorite 😀
I went through an entire box of cereal in a day just last week. The fact that I’m not a competitive eater is criminal.
Hey Tim, you just had a 5th VERSATILE BLOGGER AWARD ( you can’t have too many of that award, right? lol). 😀 You can check it out in
http://happinessisnotadisease.wordpress.com/2012/05/05/is-this-an-error/
but pfft, you’re probably too used with that. :p
Funny as hell!
Thanks. Glad you enjoyed and agreed with me how wonderful I am.
Oh, this resume is fantastic! I’m sure people are clamoring for you between your brownie-eating, your Die Hard trivia, and your bad handwriting. Actually, any chance you’re also good with flowers or small children?
I have watched both flowers and children before. One usually ends up dying. Care to risk it?
As soon as I read “robot like ability to subdue all emotions” I was sold. I was almost sold with “can eat a lot” (important skill) and “2 Time Little League Baseball Champion” (builds character). As someone who slaves in the corporate world, bringing anyone onto the team that can robotically complete work and cause no drama or show little emotion is a plus! You’re hired.
I’m really hoping my inability to feel feelings really helps disguise myself during any potential machine/zombie uprising. How much does the job you’re hiring me for pay? And is it in cash because I also accept payment in historic relics.
I really admire people with a good sense of direction.
I’ve been spun around in the woods blindfolded at night way too many times for an immunity not to build up.
“Can Name How Every Terrorist in Die Hard was Killed” – If you have that on your resume, you really don’t need anything else!
See, that’s what I was telling the guys at Apple Inc. They said I need to understand “technology” and have innovative “ideas.” Pfff. Do they know that Marco is the one who gets thrown out the window after being shot from under a table? Hells no.
You’re too good for them man.
You have a great sense of humor for living in New Jersey! 🙂
Thanks! You seem pretty nice for someone living in NYC 🙂
I just nominated you for the Very Inspiring Blogger Award. You can access the post discussing this here http://kulworlddailydrivel.com/2013/02/12/very-inspiring-blogger-award-and-new-super-epic-project/
Oh gee whiz!
Mooselicker, not being able to comment on your Nickelback post is driving me nuts. I contemplated growing out a Chad Kroeger soul patch and oiling it every morning with the chlamydia-tainted bleach residue from Miley Cyrus’s Mad Max haircut, just to spite your non comments. But you’re blog is like the fourth that has made me laugh so far, after reading at least 17,000, times pi. But check out my stories if you’d like, I’m on the long and ego-shattering writer-hobbit journey of being a professional writer, and it’s nice to find fellow humanity mockers, haters, and mocker-haters.
Why couldn’t you comment on it? Hmm that’s a shame.
But thanks for the compliments. Or was it more an insult at the rest of the world? I’ll be sure to check you out and no not in that way….but maybe. My standards waiver.
Holy – what a blog.
I’m sure you’ve seen bigger.
Yeah but not up close like this…
Hey man, I’m starting a print magazine called PRISM and was wondering if you’d like a humour column? Can’t afford to pay you just yet as it’s not making a profit, but would send you copies and have your name in print. Hit me up if you’re intetested!
prismagazine.com.au
editor@prismagazine.com.au
Just sent you an email!
Hey Tim, I have enjoyed your blog for a few years, I think! You’re a good write like your Dad was back in our college days at Saint Bonaventure University. At the moment i have not been cooresponding with your Dad, due to his obnoxious comments! He still the same pain in the ass as he was way to many years ago. I’m also your God father. Whatever that means! I back in the early 90’s was asked by your father to come to Barnegat Light and go to some Episcopal Church and go through a very nice ceremony and say I’d make sure you wouldn’t end up, idolizing the Devil ! Well as you have never met me again since that day when you were a little boy, I certainly did not stand by my words. Not saying you are at all involved in Devil worship lol but was not at all a so called good God Father! I so enjoy your blog and so happy to read you are getting married. I only wish the very best to you. I really do. I didn’t know your mom all that well (only met her twice) but know how much both your parents loved you and i know your Dad (obnoxious as he is) lol loves you dearly. The best in everything you do! Maybe, after i get over your Dad being such a pain, we can meet and then you can first hand see what kind of characters your father hung around with in college! Take Care Tim, Sincerely Gene Gilfus
Oh my God, you posted this thing! Wow, I am a lousy writer! Even after being relatively well educated, enjoyed a career working in the Executive Department of the governor’s Office in New York State, I still can not write! I feel like I’m back in Catholic Grammar School and my “story” is being used and shown by the nun on an overhead projector, as an example of “how NOT to write a very poorly spelled, run on sentences, bunch of thoughts and call it a letter”. I hope you know what an overhead projector is? Not, “laughing out loud” here, anymore! By the way, I am talking again with your Dad. Like in any friendship of over 40 years, it has it’s ups and downs. Therefore, the possibility of meeting and visiting you, will occur soon. On that note, I’m going to end before I start telling tales out of school! I’ll save those for when we meet. Tim, I do so enjoy reading your stuff. Keep it up! The good writing that is! And, thanks for the few exchanges we’ve had in the last month. Sincerely, your Godfather and piss poor writer, Gene
Oh Gene, don’t be so hard on yourself. You’re no Hemingway however your typing skills far exceed Bob Boyle.
Ha ha I forgot all about his “hand” writing skills as well. We all were amused with his “chicken scratches” for hand writing. Later….