Posts Tagged ‘advice’

Here’s another old thing I wrote which contains a long list of things. It’s a sarcastic way to instruct people on how to succeed at a job interview.

Ten Tips for Job Interview Success

1) Don’t Show Up: The most obvious way to not fail at a job interview, don’t bother trying. People may try to get in your ear and say the opposite. They will argue that you cannot succeed unless you try. Glass half full attitudes make me thirsty. If you think of it as a glass half empty then you will realize sooner that you need to refill your beverage. So don’t bother showing up once you get the appointment. It shows the company that you didn’t need their stinking money anyway.

2) Change Your Last Name: Changing your last name can help in a job interview. I recommend changing your last name to whoever the most popular reality television show star is at the time. For two months in 2003 I used the last name “Fairplay” to capitalize on Survivor villain Johnny Fairplay’s fifteen minutes. For non-reality fans, I suggest changing your first and last name to match the current president. When they joke about being related to the president, claim to be him.

3) Dress Provocatively: Business suits are so 1900s. We are living in a new millennium. Whenever I go to a job interview I make sure the interviewer can see as much of my body as possible. This not only showcases my strength, it lets them know I am willing to do anything to get the job, including wearing a speedo. For those living in colder climates, stick with a leather gimp suit. It gets the message across and lets the potential employer know you can dress yourself appropriately for the weather.

4) Talk Loud: When you speak loudly you present yourself as authoritative. In the business world people love authority. They bow to it. It’s important that in the job interview you talk at least two decibels louder than the person conducting the interview. How do you know your decibel range? Buy a measuring device, wear it, and ask the interviewer to wear one too for an accurate reading.

5) Print Your Resume on Large Paper: The bigger, the better. If you have the means, print out your resume on a life-size cardboard cutout of yourself. Keep your face wordless. This is a guaranteed way to stand out and helps them match face to words. It’s also helpful if your resume has at least three swear words. The employer will have to take a risk on, purely out of curiosity.

6) Check Your Phone Often: When you show up to a job interview, make it clear to the potential employer that you are in high demand. Even if nobody is actually calling, answer your phone anyway. Use words like “sell” and refer to whoever is on the other end as “baby.” The only time I would not recommend doing this is if your phone is prepaid. They will assume you are most likely a drug dealer and nobody wants to hire a drug dealer, except for people who want drugs dealt to them.

7) Offer Them Lunch: Everybody loves having food made for them. The only exception might be for Emperor Hui of Jin China, who died of an alleged poisoning. The best lunch to offer a potential employer is a homemade one. I suggest something light that travels well, like bratwurst. You know, anything universally loved.

8) Blackmail: Need I say more? Get creative though. Employers love creative blackmail.

9) Repeat Everything: No matter what the person conducting the interview says, repeat it. They will either believe you have so much in common that they have to hire you or they will be so confused that they will have to hire you for answers. Either way, you will have a job. Then you should probably quit. Playing hard to get is good when it comes to job hunting.

10) Lie: Does anybody ever fully tell the truth during a job interview? Am I a legal citizen? Of course not. Born in Ottawa baby! Have I ever been convicted of a crime? Yes. Why do you think I had to flee from Ottawa? Do I agree to follow all of the rules in the employee manual? Maybe half. You can’t go around telling the truth at a job interview if you want to get hired. The real key to successfully lying is to lie about everything. If you lie about everything all of the time then you don’t have to remember anything, or however the quote goes.

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(“Your resume says you’re African-American….which is it? African or American?” – potential employer)

Two people have told me in my lifetime that I give off a strong sexual vibe. One person was drunk and the other I’m making up. I guess you could say though if someone gives off good enough sexual vibes then people wouldn’t be going up and telling them. To give off truly good vibes the people will become hypnotized. They will not even realize they are under your spell. So for argument’s sake, I am awesome at giving off sexual vibes. Today, I teach you on how to follow in my footsteps.

1) Straddling

I am always straddling things. By straddling I mean placing my feet on opposite sides of an item. These items include and are not limited to library catalogue drawers, dog poo, dead friends, a defeated enemy, or spilt food. Straddling something sends off the sexual vibe that you’re dominant and in charge. Try straddling on whatever you can for a day. If you do it right then girls will be so intimidated by your straddling that they will call you “the weird guy who humps everything.” You know you’ve made it into a girl’s heart once she has a nickname for you.

(A perfect straddling example. Legs are open, feet are firmly placed down, and the item she’s sitting on is phallic shaped. Too bad the cannon isn’t white)

2) Leg Flexibility

There was a part in the new Batman movie where Anne Hathaway gets off her motorcycle thing. Instead of clumsily rolling off like unsexy people would do, she carefully stretches her leg over top the front and brings her feet together. In olden days hip flexibility was seen as a sign you might be divine. Jesus did ass-to-grass squats every day of his life he has such great mobility. It doesn’t matter which way you bend your legs, as long as you’re twisting them around people will take notice. They’ll want to be strangled with your legs if you do this properly.

(A girl told me when Princess Diaries was popular that she liked Anne Hathaway because she would never be naked in a movie. I want to tell her to rent Love & Other Drugs. It made me a fan of hers)

3) Use Your Legs Like Arms

Similar to the above yet somewhat differently, the legs are very important to sending out sexual vibes. The legs are the largest sex organ we have. Of course someone reading this probably has abnormally large ears and is missing their legs so that person may skip over the sentence you just read. I use my legs to do a lot of things my hands could do. I open doors, close doors, move heavy objects, and punch with my legs. Some may argue punching with your legs is called a kick. I disagree. Kicking is what you do in sports. There are no sports involving punching.

(It’s not a punch, it’s a fist kick)

4) Play With Your Hair

You can use your hands or if your hair is long enough simply throw it back like you have a spider crawling along your scalp. Both men and women enjoy seeing members of the opposite sex touch their hair. I never got girls who were into men with shaved heads. Can’t they just date a newborn baby? At least a newborn baby won’t play video games all day long. I’m sure they would but they haven’t developed the motor skills yet. I always know a girl is feeling my vibes when she begins playing with her hair. Sometimes she begins to chew it and that’s when I know to back off.

(She’s clearly way too young to be playing with her hair. Wait a few more years sweetheart. Don’t pretend you’re Abe Lincoln when you do it)

5) Point With Your Crotch

The other day a man asked me for directions to the children’s hospital as his son sat in the backseat bleeding out the ears. Instead of pointing which way to go like a cold fish, I thrusted my hips westward. I pointed with my crotch. This is very simple logic. Go to the mall and point at someone ugly. Suddenly everyone in the mall will see you pointing. Their focus will go onto what you’re pointing at and what is doing the pointing. If you point with your crotch then your crotch begins to get some attention. Men should always walk with their hips forward. This is something I have read from pick-up artists. I think it has something to do with how you will probably bump into a lot of people and if you’re going to bump into them you mine as well grind against them when you do. The next time someone asks you where the fire is, be sure to point with your crotch. You might get a cute fireman’s phone number out of it.

(The Pope points with his finger and I point with my crotch. Who do you think gets more chicks? Whose advice are you going to take? His? You’re just feeling guilty today is all)

What are some other things we can do to send off a sexual vibe? Don’t say rape. That’s behaving too forward.

I’m full of wisdom. I’m also full of blood. Most living people are full of blood. I don’t think Frankenstein is. Actually he’s probably dead now again from old age. I wonder if anyone knew Frankenstein during his first time living and then met up with him again after he was brought back to life. That must be hard to have to go to his funeral twice. Annoying too. I imagine Frankenstein’s second funeral was mostly people catching up on what they’ve done since the last one. Few people probably cried. Except maybe the little girl he gave a flower to. She didn’t know Frankenstein before the reanimation. She only know the bolt in the neck guy.

(Every father’s worst nightmare. His daughter goes out on her own and some suave monster flirts her up saying how she’s beautiful and creative even when she isn’t. Girls fall for everything)

I’m not here to talk about Frankenstein. I’m here to talk about sage advice. One of them is to never start a post about giving people advice with your thoughts on Frankenstein. But more importantly I want to give you the best piece of advice I have. That advice is to move out of your parent’s house as fast as you can. Continue on and I will explain why this is the most important thing you can do in life.

I feel you cannot possibly grow until you are living on your own away from your parents. Did you ever see that Matthew McConaughy movie Failure to Launch? If you said yes you’re lying. Everyone who saw it jumped in front of a train within a week. The basic premise was about “failing” to “launch” from your parent’s home. Somehow failure to launch the space shuttle Challenger was much more entertaining and humorous than this disaster film.

 (This is the only American disaster to ever have a pair of pigtails)

More and more people aren’t moving out on their own. They can’t because things cost money. It’s not the way things used to be. Back when women were like female dinosaurs and really had no choice in who they would sleep with. I remember watching a dinosaur documentary. A long neck went up to another long neck and had his way with her doggy style. Doggies didn’t even exist yet mind you. I always thought this was strange. There’s no courting involved? Where was I going with this? Ah yes, fear of not being able to afford the things you want if you have to pay rent. Remember though, girls don’t want to go home with a guy who has roommates who spawned him. Instead of taking her out to eat and paying those expensive Ruby Tuesday’s burger prices, you can take her back to your place and not have to tip extra because you feel guilty for sitting there for 2 hours. I think I’m neurotic.

Why do I think you should move out? It’s liberating. You can walk around naked. I love walking around naked. Even though I know for a fact you can see into my apartment from the right angle, I do it anyway. Little Jamal on his bike, it’s about time he sees what a man can grow up to look like in the nude if his curiosity so tempts him. Keep in mind I rarely sit around in the nude. That feels gross. Dog hairs attach themselves to my ass. So does lint and the occasional stray bloody booger that has fallen out during a coughing fit. My nude ass placed anywhere is a magnet for disgusting objects.

(Once I sat down on the couch and found a wet Kristen Stewart attached to my ass cheek. Gross! Stop being so frumpy. It’s not attractive)

Living on your own is also great because it gives you a hiding place. Don’t want to see anybody? Stay at home! Most homes have these things called locks. I know there are some towns in the world where nobody locks their doors. Then why have the lock? You were ripped off. You’re a rube. People cannot enter your home when doors remain locked. Unless they can walk through walls or have the same bone structure as a mouse. I enjoy the privacy in my home. Except that little space between the windows where you can look in. I love that. I love to ruin a child.

Moving out is scary as hell. Anyone who tells you differently is my 58-year-old uncle who still lives at home. I was afraid to leave my apartment the first 3 months. I was afraid I would never come back or something would go wrong while I was away. Then I went to a nearby Salvation Army to kill time and remember I have no friends. When I returned my key would not fit in the lock. I had to have Ted the Maintenance Man make a quick copy for me. He did so with a smile and a strange stain on his face. I’m thinking he helped unclog a toilet earlier and this splashed on him.

(Ted the Maintenance Man with a shit stain on his forehead. When I move out his boss is going to probably tell him to “tear down that drywall.” Way too much damage to it not to be replaced)

What one thing would you recommend a younger person do? Don’t say “live life like there’s no tomorrow.” Because for you old person, there might not be.