Posts Tagged ‘aliya mustafina’

A few years ago there was a popular sitcom on television called “Everybody Loves Raymond.” I never loved Raymond. In fact, I wish him dead. I guess the title was supposed to be sarcastic. His wife was a bitch as most television women are because most television writers are gay men, his parents were intrusive because most television writers are loners who come from broken homes, and his brother was a big idiot because most television writers are short and want to make tall people look like idiots. There are some things in life everybody does love. Well, maybe not love. These are generic things nobody dislikes. If you say you hate anything I mention then you’re probably bitter and should think about writing a TV show.

Music: Queen

Everybody likes Queen. You’ll never meet a person who absolutely loves Queen, but everybody can find one song to enjoy. Even the Chick-Fil-A guy admitted in a recent interview that he tries to let his farts out to the beat of “We Will Rock You.” It’s a very steady beat. One only Woody Harrelson cannot get correct. Personally my favorite Queen song is Princes of the Universe as it reminds me of the TV show Highlander. I never liked the show much, it’s the premise I am in love with. You chop off someone’s head, you get their powers. Why is this not the most popular video game of all time? Oh and here’s Woody Harrelson proving that marijuana does not make you better at keeping a beat.

Food: Pizza

Everybody likes pizza. Someone told me recently how much they hate pizza. She’s dead now. I killed her. The cops asked me straight up what happened. I explained the situation then we went out for some slices. What’s great about pizza is it has everything you will need in a meal. Cheese, sauce, bread, and meat normally make a pizza. There are so many varieties if you cannot find something to love about pizza then I probably cannot find something to love about you.

(I can’t tell if that’s pizza dust on the counter or this is a Courtney Love Cocaine Pizza)

Sport: Women’s Gymnastics

Everybody likes women’s gymnastics. For different reasons too. Women like it for the grace, the competition, and how it empowers women. Men like it for reasons which would get me arrested. Women’s gymnastics is a sport nobody really cares about or takes seriously. You can watch it without much devotion. A female gymnast is washed up as soon as she’s old enough to vote. Kind of sad really. All those tiny Russian girls are 20 years old and their lives are practically over. I hear America is nice. You can work as a dancer, a waitress, and a Ross just opened up near me. This was a cheap plea to any Russian gymnasts who happen to read this that I am willing to marry you in exchange for a green card. The offer expires when you get up to 115 pounds.

(In about a month Aliya Mustafina will be 18 and I can say dirty things about her Communist ways. I actually got this photo from typing in “evil gymnast” into Google)

Religion: Buddhism

Everybody likes Buddhism. I know, someone is probably reading this in their church cloak with a human skull in their hand thinking I’m insane. Hear me out. What bad thing has a Buddhist ever done to anyone but themselves? In protest they light themselves on fire. I like this much better than other religions. Christians invade, Muslims infiltrate, Scientologists creep out, and Judaists whine. Buddhism to me is the Rodney Dangerfield religion. It’s about how life is all about suffering. Well yeah, but does that mean I should spend my life accepting how much suffering goes on in the world? Still, Buddhism is the most generic religion. Except for the Richard Gere gerbil fiasco, they’ve been pretty good.

(If Paris Hilton can support Buddhism I so can…nevermind. I can’t bring myself to support anything she does. “That’s hot.” – Paris Hilton upon seeing a burning priest)

Book: The Snowman

Everybody likes The Snowman book. You may not have heard of this book before, it was a favorite of mine as a kid. There are no words. Only pictures! It’s easy on the eyes. They even made it into a movie with really pretty music. Then the snowman melted at the end which was tragically sad. Who invented snowmen? Their life expectancy is entirely too short. I guess dancing with a snowman who dies later in the afternoon prepares you for how everyone you will ever meet dies one day. Snowmen are too grim.

(Spoiler Alert! The Snowman dies at the end after a lobotomy following an attack on Nurse Ratchet)

Comedian: Brian Regan

Everybody likes Brian Regan. He’s clean, he’s funny, and he’s a nice guy in person from what I hear. The only thing not to like about him is how in high school everybody would quote him. We get it, he likes Fig Newtons and so do you. There is nobody I hate more than people who quote nonstop. Do you have no original ideas? Wait, you probably don’t. You’re a 16 year old New Jersey native. You only joined the football team because it’s what everybody does. I think even Brian Regan would tell you to fuck off.

(Even raccoons like Fig Newtons and they’re very picky eaters)

Sexual Position: Any

Take what you can get. If you’re reading a blog you’re probably not very good looking anyway.

(My personal favorite sexual position)

Fun Activity: Zoo Trip

Everybody likes the zoo. Please, if you dislike zoos shoot your face. I get the kids running around can be annoying. You’re not going to the right zoos at the right times. As an avid animal lover yet for some reason a carnivorous meat eater (I’m complicated) I never can turn down the opportunity to go to a zoo. I think my dream job if I ever give up on trying to do anything interesting with my life would be to clean up animal shit in a zoo. I could develop a relationship with the animals. There’s always at least one hot chick working at the zoo. I could threaten to hit her with the shovel I pick up the lion poop with if she doesn’t flash me.

(“What does your dad do for a living?” “He cleans the shit out between hippo teeth.” I so want this job)

What is something generic you feel everybody enjoys? Change that. Not something you feel, something you know. We’re not nancies who talk about our feelings. We’re manly men who are always sure of ourselves. Tell me something you know everybody enjoys. You better not be wrong.

The fifth and final stage of death is acceptance. Pundits will argue the final stage is splattering on the ground after being pushed off a building. This theory has been debunked as not everyone dies after being shoved off a building. I have been shoved off lots of things. Jungle gym equipment, chairs, my own pride, beds, an ant hill, and off the person doing the shoving. You may think I might try to stop this from happening so often. Getting shoved hurts. But what I have learned is that certain things in your life must be accepted. Having two open palms push me out-of-the-way is one of them.

(Don’t let the Minnesota licenses fool you. Soul Asylum are dicks. This song is actually about shoving me. They would sing it as they ran down the hallways trying to find me, somebody to shove)

Acceptance can be tough because in a way it’s giving up. At the same time accepting things also allows you to move on. The biggest thing I have had to accept in life is that I will never become a professional athlete. No matter what I do I have no chance at ever making millions of dollars playing sports. I pretty much set this to be all I would do with my life. I didn’t bother studying in school or showing others respect. I had an almost .700 batting average when I was 10 years old. I was a defensive and offensive monster during recess football. One time I even scored a goal during soccer while I was the goalie with an awesome punt. For me to bother with books was silly. Things didn’t work out though. I blame getting off the nasal spray I was on which contained steroids. They never made me stronger or anything, but knowing I had steroids ingesting themselves into my body gave me the confidence I needed. Now I live my sports dreams vicariously through creating myself into video games and raising my abilities as high as possible.

I have also come to accept that good things will never happen to me unless I go out for them. We all hear stories about how someone was masturbating in a Starbucks bathroom when they discover a lottery ticket on the toilet seat. They scratch it off and voilà they’ve got $50. I feel guilty going into businesses merely to pleasure myself in their bathrooms. This popular occurrence will never happen to me. If I want to be rich I need to stomp on other people’s dreams. It’s a hard thing to accept. I always try to be nice and help others. Get this, I actually offered to listen to somebody else’s problems the other day. How insane is that? I know if I really want a lot of money I will need to start telling these whiners to fuck off. Bill Gates didn’t get to where he is by playing therapist. He got there by scamming friends.

(Apparently this is Bill Gates’s daughter. She’s hot in the states where the age of consent laws are 16+. In the other states she’s only adorable and will one day make a man very lucky)

People’s perception of me is something which is hard to understand. Am I likeable? I don’t think so. I think I fall into the category where you have to roll your eyes and say “Oh you!” I’m like David Blaine in a way. Nobody really likes him, but you know if you stick around enough you may have front row seats to disaster. I am enough aware I am not the person I wanted to be. I had hoped I could be charismatic, charming, suave, calm, and larger than life. I wanted people to be drawn to me. Even the most brilliant people in life would sit down at my feet Indian style to listen to what I had to say. When I say Indian style I mean the ones with the tomahawks. I think you know that. Indian people from India don’t have enough room to sit. Their sitting style would be on top of 4 other people. I have to accept who I am. Continue to evolve into what it is I want to be, but accept for now I am good enough.

(Those dicks Soul Asylum also wrote a song about Indian trains. Runaway Train is about Indian people falling off the tops of trains. Look up the lyrics. It makes sense)

The hardest thing for anyone to accept is their surroundings. Anything we cannot directly control can be difficult to agree to. The way other people behave is a hard one. People actually dislike other people so much that they are willing to make sure that person no longer exists. This is called murdering someone. It sounds kind of ridiculous when you think about it. Most murders happen because the person cannot accept what it is the other person has done or is doing with their life. Someone might be affiliated with a different gang. Someone might decide they want to date someone else. Someone might even have things in their own life they cannot control which gets them murdered. Accepting others is difficult. It’s one of the few social issues they teach you in school. It’s also the main social issue you learn can ruin your own life because people are not nearly as accepting as they say they are. I know I’m not. Not that it’s their fault, but I wouldn’t mind seeing most people with different viewpoints from me die.

The one thing we must all accept is on August 9th, 2012 the world will come to an end. There is nothing any of us can do. What we need is someone to save us.

The fourth stage of death is depression. Lots of people suffer from depression. I knew a girl who was diagnosed by a doctor with it. Before being diagnosed she was very happy. After being diagnosed all she did was mope. I didn’t much like her anyway. Now that she knew she was depressed and could start behaving this way I felt more comfortable being nasty to her. She would take it. Besides this idiot, there are real people who have real depression. Not the kind caused by the power of persuasion. For you, the true downtrodden, I offer you tips today on how to ease or possibly cure your wasteful existence.

Depressed people love lists. Did you know David Letterman fans kill themselves the more than Jay Leno fans? It’s no coincidence. They watch Letterman for his Top 10 List. Jay Leno fans are too cheery. They laugh at other people’s typos. They’re mean nasty people. And since we have determined depressed people enjoy lists, I will make the rest of this post in list form.

(When Jay Leno was named Johnny Carson’s successor, Letterman tried to kill himself by blowing out his own brains. He survived but will forever have to live with the gap tooth the bullet gave him)

Eat A Lot: Nothing cheers me up more than eating a lot. Food eases pain. It’s common knowledge. Remember that part in Field of Dreams when the voice said “Ease his pain” then Kevin Costner bought James Earl Jones a hot dog? Find your true comfort food. When you get sad eat as much of it as you can. Soon you will forget about the troubles in your life. If you’re anything like me, you will spend the rest of the night on the toilet. My comfort food, high fiber cereal. It’s healthier than cake because the box says so.

Eat Nothing: After eating a ton you’ll probably hate yourself even more. Especially if part of your sadness comes from hating the way you look. Nobody wants to look fat. Well, I’m sure somebody does. Somebody also took a shit in the sink when I was in high school. More shits have been found in the sink in my high school than men who have walked on Mars. We are doomed as a civilization. Sometimes eating nothing at all makes me feel just as good as eating a ton. I feel lean and fit. Like if I did this for another 60 days I might be able to obtain abs. I’ll probably also be very dizzy and near death, but I’ll look awesome checking myself out at the gym.

(Abs like these would be great. You know, the abs stoners insist they have because they spend all their money on drugs instead of food. If I can lift you over my head then you don’t have abs. You’re just almost dead)

Watch A Movie: May I suggest not watching Taxi Driver? This is by far the most dangerous movie in existence. It almost got Ronald Reagan killed. It’s my go to depression movie though. Problem is idiots like John Hinckley Jr. take it too seriously. I wouldn’t recommend watching a children’s movie either. The movies kids watch are too happy. Why when I’m bawling my eyes out into some popcorn would I want to see everything work out in an animated character’s favor? Watch something with an annoying ending. Like that Marcy May Marlene Malcolm movie. If you’ve seen the movie you get what I’m saying. If you haven’t, imagine the Wizard of Oz ending in the middle of a line by the gay lion.

Workout: Exercising raises endorphin levels and raised endorphin levels make you happy. That’s what I overheard a bald black man say. It’s true though. Exercising does make people happy. Until you get a glimpse of yourself in the mirror. Then you just want to give up and die in the bath tub with a dozen donuts in your naked wet lap. If you’re going to exercise to help your depression I recommend having someone weaker and uglier than you to do the spotting. You may get injured, but at least you look better by comparison. That should cheer you up a tad.

(How does this picture actually exist? I think I found my soul mate)

Socialize: Most depression is caused by antisocial behavior. Except masturbation. I don’t think that has ever made anyone depressed. I find even just yelling something vulgar out my car window at a stranger helps to make me laugh again. I don’t care what people say, socializing is any form of talking to others. Even if it does involve speeding away in a car. Be forewarned, do not socialize with other sad people. Sad people like to bring others down to their levels. So I guess what I’m really trying to say is you should just masturbate instead of taking the risk.

Play With Animals: I don’t mean in a sadistic way either. You should never have animals fight each other. Unless it’s a really cool match-up like a shark versus a lion. I’m not sure how they could ever do that. If you have the chance I think even the head of PETA will give you a pass. They kill their animals anyway. Animals are natural givers of joy. Petting a dog, hugging a cat, or flushing a goldfish down the toilet cannot help but bring a smile to the face of even the most evil person.

(Ever since I was a boy I have been afraid of something attacking me from the toilet. This picture has brought back my rational fear)

Treat Yourself: Whatever it might be, go out and give yourself a treat. Ice cream, a walk in the park, taking a bath, telling your boss to go fuck himself, anything your bleak unwanted heart desires. There’s nothing wrong with you for being depressed. Depression is an emotion. Like happiness, joy, and love. Three things you probably know nothing about. But maybe if you try a little and stop sulking, grab life by the horns, you can find some sense of happiness. Find what makes you happy and do it.

What do you do to cheer yourself up when you’re feeling blue? Don’t say listen to music. I’m making this blog more accessible to the deaf. You’re being insensitive if you go with music. Being insensitive is the last thing you want to be right now as the world is about to come to an end on August 9th.