Posts Tagged ‘alligators’

Like most alligators, I have never gone to a prom. You have to figure though, in all of these years of proms that at one point an alligator attended one. I’m not sure if he had a date or anything. But he was there and that’s more than I can say.

(No one’s ever worn a shirt with my face on it. Another win for alligators)

Why didn’t I go to prom? Many reasons. I didn’t have a girlfriend, I didn’t have a girl who was a friend, I’m cheap, I’m too cheap to go to a dance with a girl I don’t really like, I was too shy to ask anyone, the one girl I did ask was as a joke and she threw a napkin at me then called me a cunt, I don’t enjoy dancing, I don’t enjoy wearing a suit, I’m weird, I’m afraid of rejection, and a thousand other reasons which you would have to know every single thing about my life to fully comprehend. Did I mention that I’m a complete anti-socialite? That’s a big reason for a lot of my downfalls.

The first chance I ever had to go to a dance was in sixth grade. I guess I did go to one. They forced us to. It was the day before Christmas break and they gathered us all into the cafetorium (cafeteria/auditorium hybrid) and played Smashmouth, loudly. They did this every year. Each year it got worse. Sixth grade was my friends and I sitting at a cafetorium table bullshitting and checking out the girl with the biggest tits in the class, A-Cup Ashley. You see, that’s a joke about how sixth grade girls have small breasts and an A-Cup is large for them. I can only think of one real person named Ashley that had large breasts. I saw her poop once. Not the act of defecating but rather the aftermath. It was on the floor. A story for another day. Seventh grade I remember was in the gymnasium. All I remember from that was a kid doing pull-ups while a girl with a lot of makeup stood below crying. That girl always wore lots of makeup. Even when she actually became an adult whore. Eighth grade was by far the worst. Some semi-retarded kid I was friends with (like that narrows it down) saw that I wasn’t having fun. He was always a real prick but I guess he was getting older and wiser. He asked a girl, a very homely looking girl with a turtle’s face, if she would dance with me. I remember sitting in a chair and looking at her. She looked at me and after 3 seconds turned back to my Mongoloid Mate. Do I have to type out that she said no and left? I think she left school all together too. Damn. I put her on the streets by having an ugly face.

They actually tried teaching us in middle school how to dance. In gym class, one week a year we’d have to do dancing. I don’t know why that was such a depressing thing. Sixth grade I danced with some Spanish chick that went missing for a year then came back and was really hot. I think she might have been replaced by a different actress. By seventh grade they let males dance with males which was less awkward for some reason. I guess doing the alley cat is already gay. Why not do it with a male friend? I learned the grapevine, the chicken dance, and the electric slide. They helped me achieve nothing in life. At least track reminded me that I’d need to develop a personality to ever get anyone to like me ever.

(Go ahead, run from your problems and lack of charisma)

High school dances were always the scary ones. Painted in the media as life changing and important, I was terrified of them. There were formals, homecomings, socials, and proms. No longer were these events free. Now you’d have to pay to stand in a room and have girls walk by you and onto someone taller and thinner. You also can’t go to a high school dance without getting your picture taken. Prom photos are so dopey! The average height male standing behind the average height female now in high heels making her taller than the male? And she’s orange? Girls on prom do not look human. They look like deformed carrots. Mutant vegetables with one goal in mind, looking “pretty” and losing their virginities in the backseat of a limo. That’s two actually. Fuck me.

Most of my friends who went to prom did not have fun. I remember one telling me about how his date bailed on him as soon as they got there. He drove away from her house with the horn down and his middle finger raised up in the air. He was always flipping people off. I have a picture and someone else I know has a picture of him flipping the bird. He’s not even a mean person which is strange. He just really likes telling people to go to hell.

(My good friend Steve showing displeasure to his prom date)

No longer do I have to concern myself with dances. Sure, I’m in situations where I might have to dance to fit in, by why bother? Unless I’m promised a blow job in the bathroom for my dancing, I don’t see the point. It’s not fun. Gyrating my hips and arms to the beat of music? No thank you. I’ll take standing awkwardly over moving incorrectly any day of the week. Until I’m a washed up celebrity and I‘m on Dancing With the Stars, I refuse to boogie.

Most normal people have owned a pet. All psychotic people have. We all have that lonely person in our lives who lives with an animal. We’re not quite sure exactly how much they love that animal either. Are they dating? I don’t know. Cats can’t go to the movies which means they would be a bad date. Find a human being to make you happy.

I would recommend that everyone at one point have a pet in their life. It’s strange that some people never have. Having a living creature depend on you really helps eliminate the callous attitude inside us all. That’s why Ace Ventura was such a nice guy and Ebenezer Scrooge was a dick. Ace was always having to feed snakes and cuddle with porcupines. Ebenezer didn’t have any pets. It took seeing a crippled kid hypothetically dying for him to change his ways. But let’s be honest for a moment. Tiny Tim probably deserved to die. God Bless Us Everyone? Even terrorists, rapists, and Paris Hilton supporters? You deserved that gimp leg Tiny Tim. Not everyone deserves a blessing.

Dogs – These are probably my favorite species to have as a pet. They’re the most human other than monkeys. But you don’t want a monkey as a pet. They end up taking over. There was a Malcolm in the Middle episode about that. Dogs are like having a retarded brother/sister around. They sniff your crotch and eat food off the ground. Exactly how I would imagine my sisters to behave if they were retarded. Dogs are known as “Man’s Best Friend” and I get that. My dog isn’t my best friend. I’m lonely but not that lonely. The most annoying thing about a dog is that they are too clingy. They’re like that girl you just started dating and all of a sudden she doesn’t want you to go out with your friends anymore. Oddly enough, most girls that pull shit like that look like dogs.

Cats – I’m more of a dog person than a cat person, but I still don’t mind cats. I have bad allergies to them. Does that mean a lion would make me sneeze? I asked a man at the zoo that and he said he didn’t work there. My bad. He was wearing khakis so I figured he was on duty. Cats for some reason have always reminded me of gay men. They’re always cleaning themselves, rubbing their asses on things, and drinking from saucers. Maybe I need to hang around a few gays more. I don’t think John Travolta drinks from a saucer. Cats have the advantage of being small. They’re cuddly creatures who can easily be tossed around in joy or rage. That’s why I like them. I always find it funny that they bury their poop.

Hermit Crabs – Okay, now we’re getting into the lousy pets. Hermit crabs were very popular when I was younger. I don’t know why. I always thought I was a dumb kid but my classmates must have been worse. They bought into the idea that a seashell could be a pet. I took care of someone’s hermit crabs for them one time. I didn’t see them move the entire week. What a lousy animal. A pet is not a pet unless it can learn its name. Hermit crabs should be smashed below the heel of my boot. I never hurt animals but to me hermit crabs are not animals. They’re glorified rocks.

Lizards – My family had a lizard briefly. It was a chameleon. Not nearly as cool as the Spiderman villain. He sort of changed colors. I don’t remember much. He probably much starved to death because he wouldn’t eat. Iguanas are really cool. So are poor transitions from one thing to another. I like iguanas because they have giant flaps of skin that looks like beards. My babysitter’s pimply son had one. I don’t think he let me pet it. The first naked picture of a woman I ever saw belonged to him. He hid it in a Nintendo video game case. I have to say, as pointless as lizards are, they’re pretty sweet. I’m a big reptile fan. My parents used to say it was because I liked the color green. I think it’s because I can relate to their dry scaly skin.

Turtles – One of my favorite animals. Like I said, I love reptiles. I also love ninjas. So you can imagine how much of an influence Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was for me. Mutants are fun to look at. And hey, call me crazy, but some teenagers are pretty sweet to look at too. I would love to own a turtle. I did briefly. We found him stranded in a field. Why was I in a field? I hate corn. We nursed him back to health by feeding him grass or whatever it is turtles eat then released him to freedom. Turtles are an animal I’d love to ride on the back of. They’re not too fast that I’d be frightened and they’re green! I love green!

Snakes – Now, I said I like reptiles. That does not mean I like snakes. Freud might say that I was attacked by penises as a child. I say it’s just because I am a descendant of Indiana Jones. Snakes are creepy. Owners of snakes are creepy. I think when you purchase a snake from the pet store they make sure you have at least 3 tattoos of naked women. Snakes always seem to be breaking out of their cages and crawling into the walls. That’s so scary. A big slimy tentacle crawling around. I’ve touched a snake before which was interesting. I’ve also touched a fat girl before but I wouldn’t want one of those as a pet either.

Fish – Other than looking at them, there’s no point in owning a fish. They can’t communicate much with you. They can’t hear a thing you say. Rich people always seem to own fish. I’m basing this off of Deuce Bigelow: Male Gigolo. I enjoy a nice piece of fish for dinner every so often too. I would never want a pet that I could potentially want to eat. Having a shark as a pet might be awesome, but some kind of a shiny French type that puffs out its lips I can do without. Unless I make a friend that looks like the fish. Then I can use the fish to make my friend.

Rabbits – My Old Lady owns a rabbit. I joke how much she should be slammed in a door or dropped out of a plane without a parachute, but truth is she’s not that terrible. Yes, she’s very overrated. All she does is try to chew wires and piss on the floor. She sounds like old people. I’m talking about the rabbit by the way, not my notgirlfriend (that’s what we call each other now). I want to make that clear. The best thing about rabbits is that they hop. That’s kind of all they do. Hop and make little shits that I could hide in my fingernails. I would eat a rabbit if given the chance. I’ve even just about every other animal. That’s how I assert my dominance. By eating the families of lesser species.

Rodents – This includes rats, mice, chinchillas, and any other rodent that I can’t think of. I used to have a chinchilla. It died of head exhaustion because my bedroom didn’t have an air conditioner. How grim is that? It’s like the heat wave telling me that I’m next. I never liked my chinchilla as much as I should have. He belonged to someone else before me and I never felt like we had a chance to fall in love. Rats and mice are a little different from a chinchilla. I’m kind of grossed out by them. They seem too disease filled. And seeing a mouse always makes me think of someone dangling it by the tail over a snake and that makes me sad. A pet shouldn’t make you sad. It should make you want to murder it for being so damn adorable.

Birds – For a species that gets confused with Superman by onlookers of Metropolis, birds are kind of lame. Talking parrots are cool. They’re always helping solve murders by repeating what happened at the scene of the crime. They can also be wise guys. I associate birds with old women. Probably because they had the bird when they were a little girl who still had her hymen. They remind her of a simpler time. They’re too yappy for me. I’d get married if I wanted constant sound in my ear. Get married and let my mother in law move in with us. Hey, that’s an original idea for a sitcom!

I think I covered most of the normal pets people have. (I originally wrote “pants” instead of “pets”, there’s where my mind is at) I’m sure I’m forgetting something. If you own one of the pets I dislike, I’m glad you at least like them. I also do no consider horses pets. A pet isn’t something that you can get kicked to death by or bucked off of. And farm animals too. A duck should not be a pet. A duck should be fed bread then never interact with humans ever again. I just realized ducks aren’t farm animals. Well, pigs then. Pigs are not pets. Nor are spiders. I was going to write about tarantulas, but I don’t consider things I could crush with a large tissue a pet.

P.S. I also got an unusual mention on another blog. At least someone pays attention to my little “Easter Eggs” I place around. Big Old Katy Sagal Tits

An argument I hear often to defend The Bible by those who believe it is that you cannot criticize unless you have indeed read The Bible. I have not read The Bible. I’m a snob so I never read best-selling books. The Diary of Anne Frank, The Secret, Webster’s Dictionary, The Da Vinci Code, Harry Potter, I don’t read any of them. Despite not reading them, I know what they’re about. Like, really well too.

The Diary of Anne Frank is about a Jewish girl in WWII who has to hide away in an Amsterdam attic. There is no marijuana or goofy Harold and Kumar humor in it either. I think Neil Patrick Harris does make an appearance, but it’s not as good as it was in H&K. Boring!

The Secret is about the power of wishing. If you wish for something hard enough, it will come true. It’s blind faith and people only believe it will work because they go out and do it themselves. Give yourself credit. You’re not as lousy as you think and God shouldn’t get all the acknowledgement for your ability to imagine a bike and then one to appear. Lame-O!

Webster’s Dictionary is the greatest book of all time. It has vulgarity and you can have it in schools. Teachers used to make bad kids copy pages of the dictionary as a punishment when I was in school. Luckily my handwriting looks just like print and I had access to a photocopy machine. Pass!

The Da Vinci Code is about the idea that one of the dudes at the Last Supper was really a dame. I don’t know how this would really change religion. Tom Hanks had a bad haircut in the movie which pretty much ruined things. Next!

Harry Potter is about a magical teenage boy with glasses. His parents are dead and Hans Gruber’s motives are never quite known. The head wizard is also a homosexual. Yeah, very whimsical. Snot!

The Bible people are the most critical of all, but when we criticize their little red book (it really is no different from a Mao pamphlet). They will say that something is bad before really truly discovering it. There are lists on the Internet of movies and books that go against The Bible. People don’t get to choose what movies they see or what the movies represent, some old guys in funny hats do.

You don’t have to be an expert to be judgmental on a topic. Nobody is an expert on women but men can make assumptions and judgment calls on them based on their experience. The same goes the other way around. A movie preview shows you exactly that, a preview of what it is all about. If you see Nick Swardson in it, chances are you’ll be bummed out.

Being critical lets us improve. They say never judge a book by it’s cover. Well if the cover is of two guys making out with their hands down each others pants, I’m probably not going to give it to a child. We’re supposed to judge things. That’s what our entire legal system is. We can never have all of the answers or all of the knowledge. Sometimes knowing a smidge can help each of us form enough of an opinion on a topic. I’ve seen enough parodies of The Bible to know what it’s about. Maybe I’ll get around to reading it someday, but for now I’ll stick to episodes of The Simpsons and South Park for my knowledge of the greatest story ever told.

“The characters you are about to see are not based on real people or actual events.” – The missing page of The Bible