Posts Tagged ‘amazing’

I’m not blind. My eyesight stinks, but I’m not blind. Being blind has a lot of negatives that come with the lifestyle, which is a choice by the way. Blind people can’t catch a ball. They can only stop it by being in the way. They also can never cook because they’ll end up microwaving their ties. Television and movies are incredibly boring for a blind person. Especially when there are a lot of sight gags. You will never find a blind person who enjoys The Naked Gun.

(“I don’t get it.” – Stevie Wonder’s review of The Naked Gun)

I see a lot of disabled people. At least one a day it seems. They’re usually the disabled people who have lost mobility below the waste. Often, they are rude. I don’t know why. I’m always nice to them. I hold doors, offer to get things off high shelves, tease them by threatening to push them down the stairs. I treat them like I would treat any other human being. People in wheelchairs always are snarling. I guess they’re allowed to. I spent some time in a wheelchair (3-time leg breaker) and I really hate having all of the girls pay attention to me and family members offering to help for once.

The type of disabled person I never notice are the blind ones. I see their markings all of the time. Brail always graces the restroom signs. I don’t know why that is necessary. If they got all the way there and managed to find that one little piece of brail on the wall, I’m sure they can find the correct bathroom. Blind people have really good senses of smell. That’s how they tell the difference between the men’s and the women’s room. One smells like shit and piss and the other smells like shit and piss and has a longer line. And lets be realistic. They’re blind. It doesn’t matter what washroom they use. As long as they don’t mistake a penis for a sink nozzle or a vagina for a hand dryer they’re good.

What amazes me about blind people is that they have these dogs that lead them places. Seeing-Fucking-Eye-Dogs, minus the fucking part which I only added for emphasis on how amazing that is. We as human beings have trained dogs to help blind people cross the street and do other daily blind people activities. We don’t talk about this enough. A wild animal has been domestic and now can be the eyes for those who cannot see. That’s so brilliant. It’s the greatest thing about the planet earth. That we can replace tiny yet important body parts with a German Shepherd.

(When I’m old and need a hip replaced I’ m having this dog replace it)

I’ve heard rumblings that whenever you spot a seeing eye dog that you should not touch them or acknowledge that they’re even there. Kind of like when you see a blind person you’re supposed to ignore that they may need some assistance because it’s rude to ask people with disabilities if you can help them because they’re not handicapped, they’re handi-capable. I don’t care what anyone with a disability says, if I see a human being struggling to do something I will help them no matter how much pride they might have. Unless they’re ugly. Don’t want any of that rubbing off on me. It sucks that you can’t pet the dogs. They’re always so regal and smart. Not like most other dogs. A seeing eye dog would never lick itself below the waist. Now that’s almost as amazing as getting a dog to lead a human being. Getting one to keep his mouth off his dog knob is still pretty good.

There are a few other disabilities that deserve a dog or some other kind of animal assistant. We all know by now that monkey assistants are no good. That never turns out well for any of the parties involved. People in wheelchairs should have the option to attach themselves to a hippo. I mean, their legs are no good anymore, right? Why not get yourself sewn onto the back of a mammoth animal? I know we have to have the science to accomplish this. We can pasteurize milk. We can certainly make a creepy parapelygic/hippo hybrid.

Surgery isn’t always the best option. Maybe people in wheelchairs can just have sled dogs drag them around. The problem with that is that sled dogs move too swiftly and do not cut corners well. It would most certainly paralyze the man in the wheelchair behind them for a second time. Did you know that if you get paralyzed twice it means that when you go to heaven you’ll still be paralyzed? It’s in the Bible, hidden with all that anti-gay and parts about dinosaurs. That’s why instead of a sled dog the wheelchair man can use a hippo to drag him around town. They move at a nice pace and plus, they’re hippos. They can always go into the water if he wants a bath. They really are the perfect animal for helping out. I hear they’re good at math too.

(Why couldn’t this hippo have gone to my school?)

I’ve barely spoken much about seeing eye dogs at all. I don’t really know what else there is to mention except how incredibly awesome they are. And that’s all I need to say really. If you’ve ever owned a dog you can appreciate all of the hard work that a seeing eye dog does. A dog can have a job! Does that not amaze you? With unemployment at an all time-high dogs are getting hired before human beings. Maybe this isn’t nearly as shocking as I am making it out to be. I’m the same guy who used to wake up early on Saturday mornings to watch the garbage truck.

(Fuckin-A)

I know I might have been a little mean to disabled people in this post. Perhaps a little insensitive. I apologize and if you mail a self-addressed stamped envelope to me I will reimburse you fully for your anguish. Write “Mooselicker” on the envelope and the mailmen will know what to do. They’re good like that. Or you could always attach it to a pigeon. That would kind of go along with the theme of this post. Animals helping out humans.

But if you’re blind and decide to mail me something, be sure that you don’t place your mail into a trash can or an open car window. I know that’s a high probability. I’ve done it myself. I’m also going to be amazed that you’re blind and were able to read any of this. Unless seeing eye dogs have more skills than I once thought they did. Now that’s something I would love to see. A dog surfing the Internet.