Posts Tagged ‘anne frank’

I remember reading The Diary of Anne Frank in 8th grade nude and thinking she should have been named Anne Liar, not Frank. What’s so Frank about her? She never came off as forthcoming to me. Or maybe I don’t understand the meaning of the word frank. I’m basing this off the personality of Frank from the Frank and Ernest comics.

So I guess I have two things to say in this post. The first is that I hate bothering people with anything. I’m not saying I won’t again, but for now since I have things popping up daily I would rather not be a major pest and devote this entire blog to you clicking on links to go somewhere else. I have added an RSS Feed to my Yahoo articles onto my page. It’s pretty cool if you click on them as often as you can because I actually get money for these. So like occasionally check that out and click on everything so I don’t have to bug you constantly. I may still actually post links at the bottom of my other pieces I write on this blog without being too intrusive. Here’s a picture example where you can find it:

yahoo articles

So like yeah check it out and start writing for them yourself.

Oh and here’s why I mentioned Anne Frank at the beginning. I wrote a letter to my bathroom and submitted it to some other website that isn’t College Humor. They rejected me of course because every website out there is run by the girls from my high school. Anne Frank is mentioned because the only thing I remember from the book is that they called the bathroom WCs. See how it all makes sense now?

A Letter to my Bathroom

Dear My Bathroom,

Sup? I have a few questions for you when you have the time. Don’t respond in a passive aggressive manner either like you tend to do. I find that very unattractive.

The first thing I am wondering about is the state of the toilet. How is it always getting so dirty? There are fecal stains in places there should not be fecal stains. Poop would literally have to shoot out from the toilet during a flush, deflect off the door, hit the floor, and then crawl along and up the front of the toilet. I don’t believe this is possible for a second because I always poop with the door open. If people don’t like what they see then they shouldn’t be breaking into my apartment. I also have concerns about the amount of hair on the toilet. I understand I am carrying several hairs on my body. Several may even have the potential to grow to dozens soon enough. I get it. After some investigating though, not all of those hairs can possibly be from me. The length of pubic hairs varies greatly, so much to the degree I wonder if you are planting these here to make me feel like I have guests over more frequently than I do, never. If so, thank you for making me feel less alone.

Here’s my complaint about the shower. The water is too hot. This is fine during the winter months. In the summer months this is painful and upsetting. I want to hurt someone after taking a shower, normally. After taking a shower in this bathroom with the burning hot water, I still want to hurt someone, but now it’s someone who doesn’t deserve it quite as much. I would also like the option to take a bath if I wanted to. The option does not exist and the maintenance man said he would take care of it. I am afraid to call him back again because the superintendent of my building has a strange skin disease. I am frightened that he will come do the job himself, a piece of his weird skin will fall off his face, and I will step on it. My feet are gross enough as they are. I do not want them looking like this guy’s face. He also wears a bandana frequently. Unless you are a cowboy bank robber or a freshly groomed dog I would prefer not seeing a bandana anywhere near you.

The final thing I want to bring up to you is the problem with the medicine cabinet mirror. Or should I say mirrors? These are two separate entities and when looking into the mirror you make me look really fat. This works well when flexing my arms because it doubles my bicep size by adding two inches. For the rest of my body though this is problematic. I gave up eating for a month because I didn’t realize you had this strange optical illusion staring me in the eye, chest, hips, thighs, waistline, or anywhere else I am insecure about on my body. Please see to it that you correct this problem. I suggest smashing.

There is a library down the street. I have seen a homeless man bathe in the sink there. Don’t think that I won’t be willing to do the same if you don’t take the time to at least think about changing.

Respectfully yours,

Tim

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I think everybody should keep a diary or a journal. It kind of depends on how often you wear women’s underwear on whether or not it qualifies as a diary or a journal. Basically they are the same thing. Diaries tend to have locks on them and discuss girl problems like crushing on the high school football captain and getting pig blood poured on you at prom. Journals deal with more masculine problems like trying to find a place to get pig blood on the cheap to pour on the girl who is crushing on the high school football captain.

Why should you keep a chronicle of your life? There are many reasons and I am going to list them out because people love lists and making lists is lazy writing.

1) You can be famous one day – Anne Frank is the most famous diary keeper of all-time. Unfortunately thanks to those pesky Nazis she never got to bask in the glory. Then again, if it wasn’t for those Nazis then the book would have been pretty boring. Imagine Die Hard without Hans Gruber. It would just be a cop trying to save his marriage. It would have probably been called something more like “Nothing Lasts Forever” which for some reason is the name of the book Die Hard is somewhat based on. I guess it’s a warning that the book does eventually end?

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(Anne Frank’s diary. I find it a little too self-deprecating that she calls herself wimpy just because she has to hide from the Nazis. Also, who’s Jeff Kinney? Did I use the wrong picture? lolz)

2) Other people can see how stupid you are – When people know you are stupid they expect less of you. Believe me, no one ever asks for my help. Karl Pilkington is the perfect example. Ricky Gervais convinced him to keep a daily journal which produced some very hilarious results. You do realize that Karl’s job now is to travel around the world with a midget now, right? He’s living the dream.

3) You will have something to look back at – I love being able to look back at old things I had written and completely forgotten about. It’s like someone else did them and I can appreciate my greatness from your point of view. It’s like a photo album where you have to be literate to understand.

4) Your memory will be improved – Scientists spent billions of dollars last year to come to the conclusion that writing things down, whether it’s looked at again or not, improves memory. If you write down your grocery list, but forget it at home, your brain should be capable of remembering many of the items on the list. Fourteen men and a dog died during this study so you should probably make an effort so their lives were not lost for nothing.

5) Your writing will improve – Whether you want to write as a career or just want to improve your vocabulary for ransom notes, having good grammar (or is it well grammar?) is always a good thing (or is it a well thing?). The more you do anything the better you will get. Unless you are Allen Iverson. He don’t need practice.

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(Allen Iverson, talkin’ bout practice, not a game)

6) Money can be made – Would you believe that people actual pay money for memoirs about other people? All you need to do is keep a diary or a journal for a year then kill a famous person and everyone will want to read about your life. You’ll be locked up in prison and the money will all go to the victim’s family or a charity so you may not actually get much. How about you become a talented figure skater instead? Everyone loves Kristi Yamaguchi. Her name is too fun to say not to read about her personal thoughts.

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(I used to be able to do this when I could figure skate except I was on my back, not my foot)

Convinced? Probably not. A list with 6 items never convinces anyway anything.

Do you keep a diary, journal, or working manifesto?

An argument I hear often to defend The Bible by those who believe it is that you cannot criticize unless you have indeed read The Bible. I have not read The Bible. I’m a snob so I never read best-selling books. The Diary of Anne Frank, The Secret, Webster’s Dictionary, The Da Vinci Code, Harry Potter, I don’t read any of them. Despite not reading them, I know what they’re about. Like, really well too.

The Diary of Anne Frank is about a Jewish girl in WWII who has to hide away in an Amsterdam attic. There is no marijuana or goofy Harold and Kumar humor in it either. I think Neil Patrick Harris does make an appearance, but it’s not as good as it was in H&K. Boring!

The Secret is about the power of wishing. If you wish for something hard enough, it will come true. It’s blind faith and people only believe it will work because they go out and do it themselves. Give yourself credit. You’re not as lousy as you think and God shouldn’t get all the acknowledgement for your ability to imagine a bike and then one to appear. Lame-O!

Webster’s Dictionary is the greatest book of all time. It has vulgarity and you can have it in schools. Teachers used to make bad kids copy pages of the dictionary as a punishment when I was in school. Luckily my handwriting looks just like print and I had access to a photocopy machine. Pass!

The Da Vinci Code is about the idea that one of the dudes at the Last Supper was really a dame. I don’t know how this would really change religion. Tom Hanks had a bad haircut in the movie which pretty much ruined things. Next!

Harry Potter is about a magical teenage boy with glasses. His parents are dead and Hans Gruber’s motives are never quite known. The head wizard is also a homosexual. Yeah, very whimsical. Snot!

The Bible people are the most critical of all, but when we criticize their little red book (it really is no different from a Mao pamphlet). They will say that something is bad before really truly discovering it. There are lists on the Internet of movies and books that go against The Bible. People don’t get to choose what movies they see or what the movies represent, some old guys in funny hats do.

You don’t have to be an expert to be judgmental on a topic. Nobody is an expert on women but men can make assumptions and judgment calls on them based on their experience. The same goes the other way around. A movie preview shows you exactly that, a preview of what it is all about. If you see Nick Swardson in it, chances are you’ll be bummed out.

Being critical lets us improve. They say never judge a book by it’s cover. Well if the cover is of two guys making out with their hands down each others pants, I’m probably not going to give it to a child. We’re supposed to judge things. That’s what our entire legal system is. We can never have all of the answers or all of the knowledge. Sometimes knowing a smidge can help each of us form enough of an opinion on a topic. I’ve seen enough parodies of The Bible to know what it’s about. Maybe I’ll get around to reading it someday, but for now I’ll stick to episodes of The Simpsons and South Park for my knowledge of the greatest story ever told.

“The characters you are about to see are not based on real people or actual events.” – The missing page of The Bible