Posts Tagged ‘announcements’

This is tough for me. I guess it’s best to come right out and say it though. Sigh. I am gay. I know we live in a modern-day when gay people are more accepted in society, but for me it’s different. I’m attracted to women. Like really attracted to them. I don’t even notice men a lot of the time. If I was attracted to men then my being gay would be so simple. I could go adopt a baby and start a civil union with a gay named Hank. That’s not what I want though. I want women. Now that I have come out of the closet I can let you all know just how gay I am.

When I’m excited I get very hyper. Rarely do I get excited though. It takes something like finding a new low-calorie food that I enjoy to make me scream like Carrie Bradshaw did on that one episode of Sex and the City when she saw the guy’s penis or whatever it was that would make her scream. I haven’t been gay for very long so I have a lot of Sex and the City to catch up on. I’m going to have to get rid of all my manly things. My professional wrestling DVDs will have to be tossed into the trash. Professional wrestling is just too incredibly manly for a gay man such as myself.

(The Meme agrees with me. Wrestling is very straight. I’m a little disappointed this is the sexiest picture they could find. A woman yelling while another looks down at a midget with a glare)

You might be sitting there in your chair shocked about my being gay. I’m as shocked as you. It’s almost too much to handle. I almost want to go to a coffee shop alone, sit there and not be bothered, and finish reading the Madonna Biography I bought this afternoon once I realized I was gay. It’s not an autobiography which disappointed me. Isn’t a biography not written by whoever it’s about nothing more than gossip? I mean, I love to gossip and all. Me and the girlfriends sometimes get together and talk about reality shows and Perez Hilton’s website. I’m going to have to do this more now. I need to prove to everyone that I will embrace the new me.

What made me realize I was so flaming? For starters some high school football players bumped into me at a burrito place and said “get out of my way faggot.” This got me thinking. High school football players are pretty smart. They don’t even have to show up to class and they get A’s and girlfriends. I never cut class. I got B minuses and one time a girl’s hair touched my arm and she didn’t cut the hair off. I still think about that girl sometimes. I wonder what she would think about me being gay. I hope she doesn’t think her hair touching me turned me this way. Maybe she’s looking for a gay best friend to lather her up before a big business meeting. I can give her gay-friend advice like “don’t let that boy push you around” or “pink is good before AND after Labor Day.”

(This picture is blinding. I need to watch a few more episodes of Glee before being able to look at it again)

I have always been a person who has color coordinated. I blame my mom for this. Isn’t it always a mother’s fault for turning her son gay? She used to make sure my sweat pants always matched my shirts. She took me shopping a lot too. One time at the mall she even made me use the women’s room because she was too afraid a man in the men’s room might abduct me. Again, another mistake by her. If I was allowed to go into the men’s room like a normal person maybe I might have caught a glimpse of a man urinating. This could have made me attracted to men. I would be a normal gay person not some freak who behaves like one and is still into girls. I feel like a monster. A big flashy purple pastel freak.

The problem with this will be explaining to my future wife about being gay. How do I break it to her? She needs to be warned about my calorie counting, forearm veins, and uncalled for negative attitude that us gays always have in us. Didn’t gay used to mean happy? Then how come gays, like myself, are always whining about food being too salty? A friend of mine told me you cannot become an official gay until you lick a sweaty man. That sounds extremely salty tasting. See, I’m already complaining and I haven’t even tried it yet. On a scale from Rusty Staub to John Waters I’m probably a Rosie O’Donnell.

(Her neck looks like deserted terrain. Or should I say, desserted? Because she’s overweight…At least I’m not gay enough to know her son’s name is Parker)

With all the problems this has caused me, it’s good to finally be out. Thank Cher I have such a great support system to get me through this. I say thank Cher because I feel like I should embrace her as my new God. If I’m going to commit to being who I need to be, I need to give it my all. My jeans have already been transformed into cutoffs. I bought a new bucket of pink paint and all day I have been tossing it onto everything I see. I will no longer refer to shirts by their color, but rather by their patterns or prints. I think leopard is going to be my favorite. It lets people know I’m wild but soft at the same time.

Anyone interested in applying to be my beard, please send me an email at I would like to say this email address is new, but I’ve had it since Poker Face came out.

Whenever someone tells me that they have a big announcement I am always nervous. I worry the girl I am secretly still in love with is getting married and will forever not be mine. Then my mind plays more games. I worry that she’s getting a sex change and that I will forever be in love with a married in-sexual-limbo creature. My big announcement today is I have no big announcement. See? I told you big announcements were always disappointing.

(Do not let this sweet fragile face fool you. She was a bad girl this year. That’s why instead of a birthday cake she gets canned spinach)

The best way to make a big announcement is at a holiday dinner. The family will gossip about rival families. If you’re Catholic you’ll probably get into a fist fight or two. The proper way to get attention is to grab an eating utensil and tap it 2-3 times onto a glass. Not very hard of course. Enough to make a springing sound. Like when your uncle taps on his glass eye to freak you out. The family will turn to you and then you can give them the big announcement. But what qualifies exactly as a big announcement? You don’t want to announce openly how you found a red crayon on the ground. You need to save these moments for very special occasions.

One big announcement is that you’re gay. Coming out of the closet on Thanksgiving is the stereotypical thing to do. Why Thanksgiving? Because you don’t miss out on presents. Worst case scenario, your mother takes away your food. But you’re gay anyway. You eat half slices and only eat carbs post-workout. You probably won’t care. Your family has a month to accept your lifestyle change and by the time Christmas rolls around your dad will have a new opinion on “those sinning queers.” He’ll have bought you something useful like a rubber fist or a pink shirt. Something he thinks gay people worship. But hey, he’s trying.

(Your dad will buy you this shirt for your job at the ass-less chaps factory)

As I mentioned in the opener of this, weddings are big announcements. I like calling weddings “the prologues to divorce.” Most people get a divorce at some point in their life. This wouldn’t be a problem if murder was legal. But where do you draw the line when it comes to murder? We can’t say that you can only murder someone you’re married to. Then people will be getting married only to murder enemies. It’s also not fair to gay people. They should be allowed to push someone off a building too! With technology now you don’t really have to announce your wedding. Most people find out about it via Facebook, Twitter, or Craigslist. I don’t recommend posting about your wedding on Craigslist. Prostitutes and guys selling dumbbells tend to show up.

Pregnancies are another huge announcement. This one you can’t wait too long. Otherwise people will start to think you’re fat and unfriend you. Or is it defriend? I’d ask a friend but none of them seem to answer their phones anymore. Except the one time I called from a pay phone. My buddy heard my voice and hung up immediately. Sucks for him. I had a great time at that amusement park alone. People are usually happier when you get pregnant than when you get married. Marriage makes someone a wimp. Having a kid makes someone hypnotized. Married people will complain about their spouses. Parents will talk nonstop about how great their children are. I never had that in my life though. As soon as I was born my parents cut out their own tongues. I guess they had some great intuition into how I would turn out.

In today’s only slightly worse economy but the media likes to run with the story that we’re going to need to go back to the gold standard world, getting a job can be huge. I remember when I first got my job. I ran around the office high-fiving everyone I could. I drove around town telling every stranger I spotted about it. The mailman, the convenience store clerk, the Nazi crossing guard all congratulated me. The thing about most jobs is after a while you start to hope the person you replaced enters one afternoon with a gun ready for revenge. A bullet pierces your lower back, paralyzing you for years. You collect a huge bonus and don’t have to work anymore. You can sit back with your feet up in the air (because lowering them could cause a hemorrhage) and enjoy life.

(Blonde hair, feet at attention, making the black child walk in the back. Clearly a Nazi. Even more freaky I found this picture from Google images off the page of someone who follows me when searching “Nazi crossing guard.” Weird but thank you Five Second Rules)

Other smaller moments in life can be big announcements. Achieving your dreams, buying a new house, poisoning a neighbor’s dog and successfully making it look like it was hit by a car are all noteworthy. I never have very many big announcements. I get happy enough at a poop taking less than 3 wipes. The problem is you can’t really show a picture to a friend of this achievement. It’s easy to doctor that moment.

(Doctored like the moon landing. I’m not sure how this proves Apollo 11 took place in Nevada. It only shows how much people hate happy Americans)

Maybe someday I will have a big announcement. You’ll all eagerly lean forward in anticipation. You’ll congratulate me on my achievements. Say things like “Way to go!” and “I always knew you could do it!” I’ll gloat with my chest out and go along with your fake sincerity. Then we’ll all find out that I was mistaken. I really didn’t succeed. My big announcement turns into a gigantic dud. You’ll laugh at my expense and I’ll go back to being a loser with nothing important to brag about. Unless you too love clean poops. Then bragging I shall do.