Posts Tagged ‘annoying’

There are a lot of things I am afraid to admit to others. One thing I am never afraid to admit is that I am a former fatty. When people look at me now they cannot imagine me obese. How could this slouchy shouldered, bad postured, girly forearmed guy have once been fat? I probably bring it up way too often to people, especially new ones I meet because losing weight is indeed something to be proud of. I was on a path to die in my 30s of a heart attack or eating myself to death after seeing how far away the fridge was. As proud as anyone should be when they drop a lot of weight, some people take it to a point where it becomes annoying. We all overcome obstacles and many of us are better people later on in life because we grew up struggling. There is a line that some former fat people cross where their actions are less inspiring and more irritating than anything else.

1) Remind You About It

Every once in a while is fine. When I say every once in a while too I mean it should happen once unsolicited with each person and thereafter should only come up in conversation when it’s related. Some former fat people seem to bring up their weightloss all of the time. I like to live by the theory that I may have been the person to lose the weight, but I was also the idiot who never could figure out how to put down a box of donuts. It’s like saving someone from a fire you started. There’s far less to be proud about.

2) Show You Pictures

I know more than six people who carry around, either in their wallets or on their phones, pictures of themselves when they were fat. I probably know eight people in total so that’s a pretty high percentage. There are approximately two pictures that exist of me from age 13-16, at my highest weight. The rest of those few pictures were destroyed because I don’t want to be reminded of how great eating a ton of food is, something those pictures might do. If people don’t believe me that I used to be fat then that’s their fault for having trust issues. If they must be convinced I’m sure there’s a stretchmark somewhere on my body that can act as some hard proof, or in my stomach’s case, mushy proof.

3) Act As If They Are Really Good-Looking Now

Most people will lose weight and become better looking, especially when it’s a large amount that needed to come off. While they may look better, they still don’t always look good. This happened to me when I first lost weight. I assumed I was a “stud muffin express” when really I was just a smaller version of my former self. Former fat people need to be reminded that life doesn’t end after they drop the weight. We need to remind them that there is still work to be done and not to get too cocky. They are still the same boring person they were 100 pounds ago.

4) Let Their Insecurities Hinder Your Life

Living a healthy life is great. When your lifestyle affects those around you, like you can only go to certain restaurants because you still have issues being around food, it becomes a problem. There is no way ice cream can ever be in my apartment without me emptying it out within the first hour it gets there. I know that, but I never disallow others to eat ice cream around me. The worst part is when the former fat person either must go to a certain restaurant or their schedule doesn’t work with yours because it’s during their fasted cardio session or whatever dumb fad they are into that week. Insecurities should never change the lives of others. This makes people not like you and then the made-up fears in your head will be true.

5) Offering You Advice

One former fat kid in my high school tried giving me the advice that I should never eat potatoes unless I eat meat with it too. This was terrible advice because first of all I didn’t ask for it and second of all I would never ask him for advice about anything because as a person he was below average. There is an art to reading people and whether or not they are too afraid to ask for help, which many are and will probe you to do so. Offering forceful advice out of the blue almost always is met with a negative reaction. People will ask how you lost the weight and that’s when you go into your giant explanation and share your story like it’s an episode of Oprah.

If you are someone who lost a lot of weight be proud and be modest. Nobody likes a showoff. Keep bragging about your accomplishments and you will eventually become the people you hated most.


(Everybody’s favorite former fatty, Steve Bartman)

I have never worked in a grocery store. In fact, I have only ever had one taxable job. I’ve had friends who have worked in grocery stores and from what I’m told, I’m lucky to never have to put up with what they do. It’s rough and that’s why I’m always polite to the workers there. They don’t want to be there and I want to be back at home hiding under a blanket from the government. We have a silent pact.

That’s why it bothers me so much when people do not return their shopping carts to the proper shopping cart return receptacles. It goes back to that age-old Bible quote “If everybody throws a booger on the ground, then the ground will be covered with thy boogers.” If everybody doesn’t return their shopping cart to the proper location, then we got a parking lot full of carts and nowhere to park.

I always make sure to return my shopping cart. Maybe once or twice I didn’t when it was really inconvenient. Like I had to poop badly and taking one more step at that moment would cause me to stain my pants. Sorry for the vulgarity. I don’t mean to give you horrible images in your head. I’m trying to prove a point. There are very few instances when you shouldn’t return your shopping cart. Having to take a massive nutty shit is one of them.

(Imagine a 5’10 monocle wearing, cane swinging, tap dancing fruitcake like this coming out of your ass. That’s the only time you don’t have to return a shopping cart)

It seems too often that I’m trying to find a parking spot. I’m not picky, I don’t mind walking. There are times when I think I’ll be lucky and get a close spot. Then I’m surprised to see the spot is occupied by 1, 2, up to 5 carts at a time. An entire orgy of carts! Why should I be surprised? The same species that invented genocide, nuclear weapons, and the Snuggy are responsible for this. I shouldn’t expect anything less from us. It’s such a lazy act to not move your shopping cart another few feet. You inconvenience me, the cart boy, and those two people are important enough to warrant this being a bad thing to do. I don’t need to be inconvenienced because you spent an hour walking around the store pushing a cart and now that you’re done with it you happen to be too tired to put it where it belongs. That’s not right. Do I leave your daughters on the side of the road when I’m done with them. Maybe once, but she was kinda weird-looking. You let her go out with me in the first place. I didn’t think you’d care too much where I left her.

Like a driver’s license, using a shopping cart should be a privilege, not a right. There needs to be some sort of exam for people in order to use this. Something! Give the cart boy a dollar for collateral and as soon as you return the cart you get your buck back. That’s a little extreme, but people are so lazy that it might work.

The problem is, when shoppers at the grocery stores are lazy, the cart boys will in return be lazy to make your life a little bit worse. Oh and when I say cart boys, do not get offended that I say boys and not people. Most people who get the carts, male and female, are very masculine. You’re a boy. I’ve never seen a cart boy with a nice ass. Until I do, they’re cart boys, not cart people. Anyway, if you’re lazy then the cart boys will be lazy too. They’ll be so exhausted from having to do the extra work, that when they file their taxes they will do it incorrectly and then you’ll have extra work to do to resolve the problem. It’s something called Cause & Effect. Like if a butterfly flaps its wings in China, a man’s wig blows off in Kansas City, or something like that.

(The Butterfly Effect, Ashton Kutcher makes one good movie and we give him 12 more shots at it. He fails)

I have very little tolerance for laziness. Especially laziness that I always have the common courtesy to actually do. I know a lot of the carts are probably the elderly who are in too much pain to walk a little further so okay, you get a pass. Your carts are in the 50,000 handicap parking spots anyway. It doesn’t effect me. It only affects the pregnant woman trying to buy some baby formula. That’ll show that whore for getting knocked up.

My latest trip to WalMart had an occurrence where a man was very lazy with his shopping cart. It was WalMart so I guess he was the most normal person there besides me. He was in front of me as I was leaving and in the doorway he pulled his bag out of his shopping cart and left the cart in the doorway. Just sitting there in the way of everybody to walk by next. I know that he was thinking that he was doing a good thing, leaving the cart in the store, but it was in MY way. It was a little out of HIS way to return it to the correct place inside the store so he decided on an unhappy medium, leaving it in the middle of the exit. I don’t understand people whose minds work like this. They must be missing that consideration gene. We should all leave shopping carts in the middle of pathways once we’re done with them. It’ll make it more exciting getting back to our cars.

I feel like an old man complaining about shopping carts. I’ve been a regular LAUREN RANT N RAVE!!! Really, shopping carts are a metaphor for anything. The same people who don’t return their shopping carts are the same people who don’t tip at restaurants. They’re the same people who don’t use turn signals. The same lousy human beings who cut in line. I hate these people. The only ease for my mind, some day they’ll be dead.