Posts Tagged ‘antichrist’

Here’s something I wrote up and submitted somewhere and they were like “this isn’t what we’re looking for.” This wasn’t terrific, but it’s never fun to get an email from an intern telling you you’re no good. It was another middle finger to my ego. Saying it’s not what you’re looking for is the worst rejection there is. If you girl or a guy tells you that you’re not good enough, there’s always room for improvement. “Not what we’re looking for” means you’re probably as good as it’s going to get so you should just shoot yourself already. M’lord I hate everyone.

Film Characters Who Needed to Get Laid to Solve Their Issues

In Martin Scorcese’s classic film Taxi Driver, the main character Travis Bickle approaches an all-knowing cab driver he knows nicknamed “The Wizard” for advice on life. Wiz’s advice is simple, “Get drunk. Get laid.” It’s not long after Travis decides to take things into his own hands and attempts to assassinate a presidential candidate. Perhaps if Travis had listened to the advice and gotten his whistle and dick wet then he would have had a happier ending.

Travis Bickle is one of the most memorable film characters. He’s inspired angry young men everywhere who cannot get laid to shave their heads into the Mohawk fashion. He’s not the only awesome character who would have had a less dangerous life if only he could just get laid.

Blondie from The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly played by Clint Eastwood:

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Blondie doesn’t seem to have much of a mission in life other than collect as much gold as he can. What does he need all the gold for? He has no taxes to pay, no cell phone bill to worry about, and never buys new designer clothing. Not once in the film does Blondie even suggest he has sexual thoughts about women. The only thing cowboys ever used their gold on was booze and sex with prostitutes. All Blondie needed was a woman to give him some attention and he wouldn’t have had to go on such a wild adventure. Blondie was a good enough looking man to land a woman. Put down your gun and work up a smile. Women love a guy who smiles.

Murphy McManus and Connor McManus from The Boondock Saints played by Sean Patrick Flannery and Norman Reedus:

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Brothers Murphy and Conner McManus are the duo known as The Boondock Saints. They’re sick of all the gangsters and scum in Boston and they’ve decided to take control by savagely killing them in a sometimes ritualistic fashion. After two movies though, there is no hint that either brother so much as jerks off to naked pictures of women. There is no love interest in either film. In fact, the brothers sleep beside one another on mattresses in their filthy apartment. They have a very Frasier and Niles Crane relationship where it’s unclear if it’s incestuous or not. The sequel starts off with them living at their father’s place in Ireland. These guys need to get away from daddy and find some dames.

Every Batman Villain played by numerous people:

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As cool as The Joker, Bane, and other Batman villains have been, none ever have sex with willing partners. Isn’t one of the best parts about sex when you don’t have to worry about them going to the cops the next morning? The Joker was a handsome man sans makeup, Bane has a body any woman would want to mount her, and even The Penguin played by Danny Devito has awesome duck boats that could win a girl’s heart. Instead of trying to kill everyone in Gotham City these guys should have all gotten together and hit up a bar. At least one of them would have left with a phone number and that’s the first step in entering a long-lasting loving sex-filled relationship.

Joseph Gordon-Levitt in everything he does:

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Joseph Gordon-Levitt has become “the average guy” in many ways. He’s cute, smart, and has a lot of demons on the inside. In real life Joseph Gordon-Levitt needs to only say the words “Hey, I’m Joseph Gordon-Levitt” and he will be able to snatch up nearly every woman in the room. In the movies it’s different, Joseph has trouble getting laid. In 500 Days of Summer he gets so hooked on Zooey Deschanel’s character Summer that over the course of those 500 days she’s the only person he sleeps with. Gay! The film 10 Things I Hate About You was all about him trying to get Heath Ledger to sleep with Julia Stiles so he could sleep with The Secret World of Alex Mack girl. Angels in the Outfield would have been a lot different if he got laid. He was so caught up in becoming a family again with his father. Once a man discovers the wonders a vagina can provide he doesn’t give two shits about seeing his dad for the holidays. Get this kid some poon.

“Alexander Supertramp” from Into the Wild played by Emile Hirsch

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Opinions on the character Alexander Supertramp from Into the Wild are black and white. People will either say what he did was inspiring or completely stupid. There’s very little grey area. The guy tossed his life away, got rid of all his worldly possessions, and traveled around the country until ultimately he ended up in the Alaskan wilderness to live alone. Anyone who thinks this is a good idea has never gotten a good blow job in his life. I hate people as much as the next, but geez, I could never give up receiving blow jobs for spiritual freedom. A young Kristen Stewart does offer herself up to him at one point. Alexander decided it was better to eat a poison berry than to get involved with her.

V from V for Vendetta played by Hugo Weaving:

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V is a man who was wronged by a dictatorial government. He’s got a vendetta against them, hence the name of the film. Unfortunately for him though he has to wear a weird Guy Fawkes mask because his skin was so terrible burnt. V has no chance at getting laid ever again. Can he even masturbate? I’d imagine his dick would break off like a fried chicken finger if he tried to. V has every right to want to get back at the government. Nobody should be denied the right to have sex with other consenting adults. Natalie Portman should have taken one for the team, taken a knee, and given V a nice tug. Sure, a terrible Fascist government would still have been in place, but at least one more guy will feel relaxed about the state of the world.

Howard Beale from Network played by Peter Finch:

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News anchor Howard Beale is mad as hell and he’s not going to take it anymore. Sick of the world and how much bullshit there is, Beale states on his newscast that he plans to kill himself live on the air. I think it’s common for people to want to kill themselves. I don’t trust someone who doesn’t think about it frequently. The best cure for suicide isn’t pills, a friendly ear to listen to you, or learning to accept life for the problems it sometimes has. The best way to cure those suicidal thoughts is banging a broad. Were there no interns at this station willing to have sex with him in hopes it would get them hired full-time?

Rosemary’s Baby from Rosemary’s Baby played by Satan:

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Rosemary is pregnant with the devil’s child and almost ready to give birth. How many whiskey sours did she have nine months earlier that she somehow managed to get knocked up by Beelzebub? You have to wonder though, why would Satan’s child be evil? My father is a Republican but that doesn’t mean I have to be a douchebag too. Rosemary frets that she’s bringing the Antichrist into the world. If you’ve learned anything from this article it’s that there is in fact a way to stop the Antichrist from creating hell on earth, get that baby a hooker.

For a dumb kid, receiving a report card can be a frightening thing. I had some dumb friends. They would fret over bad grades. I never got bad grades. Not until I was larger than my parents. At that point what could they say? I could crush them with my thighs if I wanted to. Recently my older sister found one of my old report cards. Today we examine what an amazingly smart child I was and where everything went wrong.

(Any kid who owns a corduroy jacket is either evil or really loves Pearl Jam)

The year is 1998. I’m in Mrs. Hartbauer’s fourth grade class. Blow job jokes about Bill Clinton are popular among the teachers. None of the students get them. I’m fresh faced and ready to take on the world. Fourth grade was a great year. Hartbauer always was nice and I had a lot of friends in my class. I won soccer MVP of recess as my incredible goaltending helped lead my team to a very good record. We could only count up to 10 at this point. It was hard to keep accurate statistics after a certain point. Statistics are something adults use as excuses. Numbers politicians can finagle to make themselves less like a succubus. With my report card in my hand at this moment (it’s actually on the arm rest covered in dog hair and dandruff, but who are you to call me out?) I have real life statistics to prove my smarts.

I will start with attendance. First marking period I missed 3 and a half days. Second marking period I missed 7. Nice! I’m pretty sure this was the week I was sick the first four days then on Friday faked sick because I was getting really into Price is Right storylines. Plinko happens about once a week. They were due! Third marking period I missed 5 days. Finally the fourth I missed 2. What was I thinking? Only 2 days? My school had no air conditioning. Well, I don’t think my house did either then. It’s probably harder to fake a fever when it’s really hot out. Your mother will say it’s just global warming and to get your black ass to class. I was also tardy one day in the fourth marking period. I’m never late for anything. I’m not sure what happened on this day. I do remember everyone in the class thinking tardy was the teacher calling us retarded. With my accuracy at being on time, I’m starting to think maybe tardy is a cute way of saying mongoloid.

(Corky from TV show Life Goes On. He was often late to the set. Producers were too afraid to call him tardy. Their morals were too strong. I wonder if he thinks the baby he’s holding is real)

On each report card we were given “Skill Indicators.” A + meant Above Expectations, a check mark meant Meeting Expectations, an Upside Down V meant Progressing (because I guess you’re drawing your letters upside down but at least you’re getting the shapes correct), and (-) meant Below Expectations. First Marking period I got almost all check marks. I had to leave myself room for improvement. Over time I started to add a few pluses. I got better at “accepting responsibility”, “respecting rights/feelings of others”, and “working well independently.” My favorite thing about this is that I was able to go above expectations to work independently about 5 months before “cooperating with school regulations.” What the hell did I do not to cooperate with school regulations back then? The only time I ever got in trouble was when the random black recess aide told my friends and I to “Stop wrestling. Boys always be wrastlin.”

The only bad marks I got were two upside down V’s in music. “Demonstrates music skills appropriate to the developmental level” gave me two of these Progressing marks. I’m not quite sure what this means even today. Also, if I’m progressing at it, shouldn’t I be a music superstar today? Or was I so bad that I had plenty of room for improvement? I got high scores in writing, which hey, I am the bomb at, especially compared to music. If this teaches us anything it is that people’s skills are pretty much developed by the time they are 10. I know, that sounds like an argument a pedophile could make in court.

(If only Jerry Sandusky would have listened to me he might only be spending 250 years in prison, not 400 plus)

We also received letter grades. Overall I ended up with straight A’s. I’m like Stephan Hawking or something. The most B’s I received were in the fourth marking period. 3 A’s, 3 B’s. This was also the same marking period I showed up to most. How did I do the second marking period when I missed 7 days? Straight A’s. Yet another valuable life lesson here. You get smarter avoiding the situation and sitting home all day eating Ritz crackers.

Finally my report card contains actually written words from my teacher. Here they are in order:

“Tim is a well-adjusted 4th grader. He is very responsible and always very respectful. It is a pleasure to have such a nice boy in my class.”

See, I was good once.

“Tim is still doing outstanding! I’ve really enjoyed Tim’s writing this marking period-he has a way with words.”

I do. I’m sure Mrs. Hartbauer would be horrified by a few things I have written since. But she never said anything about my writing being respectful. Just that I had a way with the words.

“Tim continues to be a model student. He is doing wonderfully! He is always cheerful and fun to be around.”

Okay well this one I have to completely disagree with. I am rarely cheerful and even my girlfriend tells me I am not fun. Hartbauer, you have bad taste in men. At least she did say I could be a model. Or maybe I read that wrong.

“Tim is a wonderful, sweet gentleman. It was a pleasure having him in my class. He will be a pleasant addition to any class. Have a great summer!”

I started off as a well-adjusted 4th grader and left a wonderful, sweet gentleman. I kind of wish I had more little things like this. You know, to use in defense I could not possibly be an Antichrist.

(A more likely candidate. She gave away free cars to people who could not afford to pay taxes on them. Evil bitch)