Posts Tagged ‘atheism’

Today I am going to make two bold declarations. I have no basis other than simple observations I have made. I’m probably completely wrong but so what? If these two things ever do come out I can brag that I was one of the first to openly blog about it. Imagine the hits this blog will get. People will swear I’m some fortune-teller who knows all. I’m not. In fact I can’t find my computer charger. Let’s type this as quickly as I can before this baby dies. There were probably better things to say than baby dies. Sorry to all the dead babies out there for offending you.

Bold Declaration #1

Barack Obama is an Atheist

obama_liturgy

(He looks incredibly uncomfortable in this church attire. I’m not sure what it’s called exactly but it looks like a mix between a hazmat suite and an over-sized state trooper uniform. Notice how he’s waving with his left hand. Certainly the mark of the beast)

I’ve said this before and I’m going to finally actually put it in a blog post. This guy comes off completely like a man who doesn’t believe in God. There’s nothing wrong with that. Jesse “The Body” Ventura is an Atheist too and he was a great politician. As “The Body” said while being interviewed by Opie and Anthony several years ago “I could never become president because I’m out as an Atheist.” This is very true. Enough people would not vote an Atheist into office.

There are many reasons why an open Atheist will not become president any time soon. The first is that religion is such an important factor in so many voters’ lives. They don’t want to vote someone into office who completely poo-poos their Sundays. The other big reason is because Atheists tend to talk about nothing other than being Atheists. It can get a little annoying at times. Atheists can be like girls and everything. Girls love talking about themselves to an annoying degree. Atheists like to talk about how smart they are for not believing anything. Simply put, Atheists can be really annoying.

What makes me think Obama is an Atheist is the way he behaves whenever religion is brought up. He doesn’t seem genuine when he says the word “God.” He seems to be a man who cares more about the here and now rather than the afterlife. Most of all I think he’s an Atheist because I think it would be a fantastic twist on the whole “Obama is a Muslim” saga. If he’s an Atheist then everybody is wrong except for me which would be great to be national news for once.

Bold Declaration #2

Quentin Tarantino is gay

quentin tarantino gay

(I honestly can’t imagine him saying anything here other than “Ahoy there sailors!” with a heavy lisp. He’s also standing between two balls)

I actually have some facts to back this one up. Not really, but sort of. In the same way the singer from Judas Priest had to wait a while to come out, Tarantino has to cover up his lust for man-ass. Tarantino’s target audience tends to be younger males who tend to be the most homophobic. That’s not to say your grandpa isn’t but he’s also too deaf to enjoy movies anymore so let’s leave him out.

Tarantino has been romantically linked to several film stars and now at 49 is still unmarried. My uncle is a bit older and unmarried. He’s only ever been romantically linked to teenage girls. This doesn’t necessarily make Tarantino gay, he might just have a smelly balls that he’s embarrassed to share. Tarantino simply cannot come out as gay quite yet because it will hurt his popularity no matter how accepting most of his fans would be. The guy resurrected (or should I say erected) John Travolta’s career. John Travolta of course being the owner of the largest closet in the world to hide in.

My biggest reason though for making this bold declaration is I met someone who looks like and behaves similarly to him. This kid is flaming. You could toast a marshmallow or warm a homeless family off his lisp. The kid is also a huge film nerd and has the same square butt chin as Tarantino. This kid claims to be straight but he clearly isn’t. There’s nothing wrong with being gay and it’s fine if Tarantino stays in the closet forever, it’s his life. 20 years from now I just want you to be sitting in a prison watching a television where either of these two things come out as being true. I want you to think to yourself “Wow, Mooselicker was so smart” then go back to serving your 7 consecutive life sentences. Yes, I hope you end up in prison. Not that I hate you or anything. I just need some connections on the inside is all.

Make a bold declaration of your own. I’ll pretend to agree then laugh about how stupid you are because you’ll be in prison soon anyway.

By no means am I a religious man. When I was a younger boy I saw a picture of Jesus and thought it was Al Pacino as Serpico in disguise. Most of my religious knowledge comes from The Simpsons, South Park, and a few other parodies. I’ve never had much use for religion in my life. I believe there to be a deep seeded evil in me that prevents it. Despite not being holy I feel the need today to defend religion from an apathetic viewpoint.

(Jesus at his press conference announcing he will be returning in a few days)

Atheists get a bad reputation because many are so strongly against religion of any sort. They’re so against it they say you’re an idiot if you believe in anything having to do with religion. Why though does it matter what other people believe? These are the same people who go around yelling at a person when they find out the guy doesn’t like Die Hard. What does it matter if someone doesn’t have the same viewpoint as you? Isn’t forcing your atheist belief system onto a religious person just as bad as a religious person forcing their outdated belief system on you?

The big thing though is a lot of people who are so anti-religion are very pro everything else. Anti-religious or members believing in antidisestablishmentarianism (I had to throw that in) tend to be very what they call “liberal.” Liberal to me means open-minded to everything, easy going, and probably a drug user. I’m not liberal at all. I’m very close minded because I have lived long enough to know some stereotypes are true, some people are assholes, and Keith Richards is the only guy to ever benefit from drug use and I don’t have near his musical talent to even try following in his footsteps. Liberal has become a word meant to represent “I vote Democrat.” Somehow the word Prickface has come to represent “I vote Republican.” I don’t support either party because I agree with things from both sides. I honestly think at this point the Republicans would do a better job for America but the Democrats will do more to help me personally. I don’t really care about how America does. I care about myself because in the end I’m all I’ve got. Enough about politics though. Let me go back to the less controversial topic, religion.

(I don’t get why Obama is the “good guy” just because he’s a Democrat. Isn’t the President’s job to be the bad guy? Rooting for the president feels to me like rooting for your high school principal)

It doesn’t bug me when people mock religion, I’ll do it myself. What bugs me is when someone mocks religion and can’t take similar mocking about something they believe in. If you make fun of someone’s religion you better be prepared to get made fun of for your race, sexual orientation, or handicap. Some may say race, sexual orientation, and handicap are not choices therefore off-limits. But is religion really a choice? I don’t think anyone would choose religion. That’s not how it works. It’s the same way you don’t choose who you’re attracted to. If it were up to me I would be attracted to houseplants because they’d never turn me down and they can’t scream. There are certain things in a person’s life and in their belief system that isn’t even up to them. Call it fate, destiny, whatever you want. If you want to pull a knife on someone based on their religion be prepared to get a nuke dropped on you for anything.

I doubt religion will ever become a big part of my life. Who knows? Maybe I’ll see a Jesus face in a sandwich one day and I’ll take it as I should stop cursing then I’ll join the cloth. I have bad eyesight so I’ll probably never notice the Jesus face and I’d end up eating a miracle. And although religion isn’t for me it does do a lot of great things. It brings communities together, helps those with addiction, and it gives back more than it takes. Sure, some churches and religions are utterly evil in some way but I think it’s worth it to have some around that actually help out. You wouldn’t (well you might) blow up the entire Middle East just because there are a lot of terrorists there would you? With some bad there is also some good. Buy some strawberries from the supermarket and ignore them for 2 days. You’ll know what I mean.

(Doesn’t the mold look like a beard? Now I wish it was Christmas)