Posts Tagged ‘author hank stromboli’

Are you sick and tired of bad movies? I am. The only thing that can make a bad movie even better is when it is shot in 3D, right? That always makes up for the fact that the plot sucks, the action is lame, and it barely keeps true to the original story it was based on. Even worse, sometimes that original story wasn’t even that good, but they still make us read it in 11th grade then make us watch the bad 1970s film adaptation that has a 34% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. Well, I’m sick of it all.

Not only are there many bad movies and books out there in the world, there is such little time to waste on them. Sure you can read Cliff Notes, but that feels like cheating to me. In high school I rarely would ever read any books that were assigned to us all the way through. Still, I somehow managed to graduate easily and I even got pretty good grades. I think the problem is the books they make us read in high school are incredibly outdated and lack the same kind of action that we can see in films we actually choose to see. What would be wrong with allowing students to choose from a list of books to read? Since nobody ever listens to me and my ideas, I decided to do high school students everywhere a favor. I took a classic book and a classic movie then combined the two. The result, The Gimp Gatsby.

Rather than tell you why you should pick up a FREE copy of this book today or during another time when it will be free, I will tell you more why this is a better investment than some of the other similar options out there, like a terrible glorified unnecessarily made film that you may hear about this weekend. Here are ten reasons why you should choose my book over this film.

1) My book is free. This movie will probably cost you around $12 or however much movies are.

2) My book will probably take longer than 2 hours to complete. You can also read it again whereas the movie you will only be able to watch once for the price you pay.

3) You already know the story in the film. Gay guy visits cousin, cousin is cheating on abusive husband with rich guy, cousin hits husband’s mistress with rich guy’s car, mistress’s husband thinks it was rich guy and kills rich guy, nothing else happens.

4) Only probably like three people will get killed in this 3D film which feels like a waste to me. If I made a 3D movie I would have bodies flying at the audience all the way through. Do you know how many people get killed in my book? A lot!

5) I’ll say thank you if you read it and your readership will actually make a difference. Nobody will thank you for seeing this movie and you’re just a number to them, a number based on money more than as an individual.

6) You will learn more about history from my book than you will this film. There are appearances by historical figures like Fatty Arbuckle, Lou Gehrig, Amelia Earhart, and more! You will also learn how the rabies vaccine was created and why The Titanic sunk.

7) Unlike the movie you can see this weekend, the gangsters in my book behave like real gangsters. They say “motherfucker” and they poop.

8) In a way, this saves you a lot of time. Not only do I cover a “Great American Novel” and pretty much summarize all of the important points you would ever need to know about it, I also cover everything you need to know about several of my favorite movies, most notably ones with a sexual submissive gimps in pawnshop basements.

9) Are you too pop-culture slow to not realize this is basically a combination of The Great Gatsby and Pulp Fiction? I really hope someone didn’t just say “Ohhhh!”

10) The 3D movie you can choose to see this weekend may make you want to go back to the 1920s. I’ll do you one better. I’ll make you glad you live in 2013. Time machines don’t exist yet. Any movie that’s best feature is that it makes you wish you lived in another era is not doing its job. This movie glorifies an era that was not very glamorous for many people. Don’t let the Moulin Rouge imagery fool you into wasting your time.

I did a post way back in September called Big Helpers where I needed places to visit in Los Angeles and 1920s things to try including. If anything I think this gives you a good estimation on how many months I went without touching this thing until I finally felt motivated to finish it.

This will probably be the last book I will bother you with for some time. It’s only free for today so pick up a copy. It’ll be free again other days, but I want to try spreading them out as I’m still trying to figure out this whole “becoming a popular author” thing. Is it too late to get Mark David Chapman to carry around a copy and shoot someone?

the gimp gatsby cover

Following my self-diagnosis of the flu, I have caught a much worse bug, the post-flu depression. I had been feeling severely depressed the last week or so and after carefully researching everything I could (typing something into Google once) I discovered that suffering from depression following  a bout with the flu is common. Not that I’m normally a Happy-Go-Lucky kind of person, but this was far different. Not only do I feel the blue, I also have no desire to do anything at all. Think about the last day you were lazy. I feel like this all the time now which is weird because normally I’m highly motivated. This sickness feels like it has totally kicked my ass and changed who I am. I don’t like it and I need to get out of this funk before I do something stupid like express my emotions.

dtfe/dtjsg.HUGH LAWSON-TANCRED / POETRY

(Yeah you read that poetry and squeeze that invisible boob you nancy boy)

One thing that has always been a cure for me whenever I’m feeling down in the dumps is victory. Even a small victory like having someone confess their love for me or looking at the clock at 9pm and realizing I haven’t eaten much at all and have an excuse to stuff my face are fine example of the victories I look forward to every day. Sometimes though these victories are few and far between. So, in an attempt to get an even bigger victory which will surely make me happy for a more extended period of time I will need your help.

I am going to attempt to take something I wrote last summer to a real publisher. Self-publishing is all fine and dandy, but the keyword is “self” as in you have to do all the work. It’s great to have things out there and I plan to continue to do so only it’s not enough for me. It’s a small victory and the chances of me being able to go further with it are far more limited than if I had actual representation. I could probably make more money selling three books published by a real company than I have in self-publishing total. There are other things I could make more money at which I will not name because I really would like to go at least one post on this blog without using the phrase “sucking a dick.” I have to be professional now.

how-to-be-a-professional

(I have to be more like these professional people. Except not like the redhead in the back. She looks too stiff. I thought those people were supposed to be fiery. Or am I thinking of their crotches?)

In short, what I need help with is coming up with the title for this completed manuscript. I have other things I’ve written, I’m working on, and whatever the other options are, but this one is as finished as it will ever be which is why I am choosing this one. It’s about every bad date, every horrible girlfriend I’ve had, and every time my heart was broken by a girl who didn’t think as highly of me as I did her. Okay, so it’s not every time just 95% of them which is plenty. I didn’t mention two people I dated because I genuinely care(d) for them but everyone else is fair game. The book involves everything from girls with lazy eyes not wanting to dance with me, the first date I ever went on which happened to be with a gang member, and in general how I managed to turn the entire female population against me. This is not one of those stories about conquests over women. It’s not about getting laid, being happy, or success in any way. It’s the anti-Tucker Max story. This is just about how incredibly fucking cruel life can be.

Now that you know what it’s about I need your help coming up with a title. I honestly have very few ideas on what to call it. Each chapter ends with me recounting what I learned from the girl and they’re always positive messages. Like for instance in one chapter I learn women are cruel and will take advantage of a sweet boy. In another chapter I learn I’m not as good-looking to a sober girl as I am when she’s drunk. It’s pretty fantastic and what I need from you is a title.

What should I call this bad boy so I can get started on getting rejected more frequently?

Okay so it’s that time of the week again where I share some fantabulous non-traditional blogging project I’ve been doing I promised myself I would put a lot of time and energy into. Luckily I’m a few weeks ahead and have the next month or so complete, for the most part. I guess I could always make a video of a cat doing something if I get lazy. People love that shit.

Anyway, this week I’m letting you all know about another book I wrote up that’s available for your reading leisure. It’s called Silence: My Worst Stand-Up Comedy Performances and Experiences. It’s about exactly what the title suggests. On February 2, 2006 I tried doing stand-up comedy for the first time. It didn’t go very well. I wrote about it in this book. Two weeks later I got booed off stage. Well, I was already leaving to be fair but it sounds more tragic to say the boos forced me off stage. I was 18 at the time and still in high school. I had people more than twice their age booing me and I didn’t kill myself. I wrote about it in this book! There are a few more stories. The time I was asked to never show my face in a club ever again as well as the time I had a room full of 200 high school students throw gum at me because I lied to them. I won’t tell you what I told them but it’s pretty funny and is a bucket list item.

There are more stories as well. They’re not my “sad depressing I want to kill myself because the audience is only 3 people and 1 is my dad” stories. They’re more about everything being my own fault and how I was nothing more than a silly young man with no clue what I was doing. They’re written very much in the vain as this blog; very detailed, honest, and self-deprecating. I don’t think some of my closest friends or family members know some of these stories so hey, learn a little bit about things I never told anyone because it was so embarrassingly cringe-worthy.

Right now it’s only up on Amazon because I’m attempting to see how their Amazon Exclusive Feature works. If you have a Kindle, no problem. If you don’t have a Kindle you will need to download there feature here.

The way Amazon Exclusive works is you can only make something free for 5 days every 90 days. Okay then…so if you have even remote interest and would like a free copy I’d recommend doing it now. I’ll put it up on other sites later on of course, but I wanted to give this a try. Of course you could always wait a few days and buy it for the incredibly low price of $1. Or even better, you can buy a million copies for free and give me a million dollars. It doesn’t matter. All I ask if you get a free copy is that you leave a review for me once you’re done because people actually buy things from Amazon. Or I think if you’re a Kindle Prime member you can borrow it and I’ll still get money. Yeah, if you’re one of those do that and we’ll find out. I don’t care. Just read it. I’m going to leave this free for 3 days so I can use the other 2 days later on.

What do I promise with this book? I promise you humorous tales of failure. If you hate me you’ll love this because like nothing good happens to me except for a gay person giving me a high-five. I insult myself throughout and you’ll get a better idea of what I was like when I was younger, a naive idiot who didn’t understand anything about relating to other human beings. I’m so glad I’m nothing like that anymore. That was a half-joke.

Thanks and I hope you read it, enjoy it, and you learn something about incredibly heartbreaking the lowest rungs of show business can be.

silence standup