Long Overdue Awards

Since I have not gotten onto the Internet via the computer I save all my blogs to in order to email the file to myself so I can access them anywhere (see, it takes a lot of effort to get these suckers posted) I have decided to cash in my many awards I have won, sort of. I used to think blogging awards were real. The first time I got one I gloated to people I knew in real life. I felt like a champion. Turns out these are at times passed on because you happen to be the easiest to link back. My soul was crushed. I went into hiding for 8 years and lived among a tribe of pygmies. I got hungry one night and ate the entire tribe. Now I’m back to society to collect my awards.

(With my pygmy pals Oscar and Hasselhoff)

If memory serves me correctly, I owe accepting awards to Pouring My Art Out, Your Daily Dose, two from The Camel Life, and about 73 from A Gripping Life. I might be missing someone but these are the only ones I remember as they do not use me as someone to nominate then toss me into the trash like the rest of you do. They all nominated me for different awards. Instead of trying to find out which ones they were and such I have decided to create my own award, The Long Overdue Award.

The way this award works is you don’t follow any of the rules from the awards. All you do is say something nice about however many people you feel like saying nice things about. You don’t even need to link back to the profiles because we all know how annoying that can be. Look at the damn blogroll if you’re so inclined to see the lame people I’m referring to. The best thing about this award is you can make the nominees completely anonymous. If you think I am referring to you anywhere below then feel free to pass on the award! If you don’t think I’m referring to you then we probably just don’t know each other very well, yet. Or you might be really stupid and don’t deserve the award anyway.

Nominee #1: You are a very modest, honest, and passionate person. You’ve got strong morals and a great sense of humor. You don’t always see eye-to-eye with a lot of things people say yet somehow it never becomes a burden. I respect this and try to do it myself more. You’re someone I and I’m sure a thousand other people could always count on if we ever needed your help. You live a life quite gripping, but still make time for others. Anyone would be lucky to call you their mother.

Nominee #2: I’m not sure where you came from or how we met, but I am glad we did. I don’t know much about you as you keep things simple and quiet. Despite this I still see the goodness in you. You’re a caring and helpful person. You would go the distance to help others in any way you could even if you knew they would never do the same back. I wish you didn’t hide so much who you are because if we got to know more about you I’m sure we would adair you even more.

Nominee #3: Some days I wish I had the brash attitude you have. You take no prisoners and don’t care what others think, at least to an extent. I’m sure sometimes you do care and with some people it is important. As all bad boys do, you have a soft side and in many ways this is how we are alike. We come from completely different backgrounds, have different tastes, but your direction in where we want life to take us is not all that different. We’re doing our best to evolve through the insanity. Continued support for each other and I’m sure we can make it.

Nominee #4: I was going to say something nice to this person, but I’m pretty sure she won’t read it anyway since she claims she’ll be away until December. Oh well. Hopefully the only disease you have right now is happiness and you will come back and we can continue chatting.

Nominee #5: Above all else you need to remember what a great mom you are even when life stresses you out. You’re clever, kind, and sometimes I worry about growing up because I can’t imagine having a busy life like you do. Somehow you still manage to put everything into perspective and at least seem sane on the surface. The fact you have maintained friendships with so many people over the years is a true testament to the great person you really are. I know you probably don’t sleep much but once they’re grown you will finally get your chance.

Nominee #6: I hate you and I hope you die. No, really, we can joke like that and I like it. What’s scary about you is you could probably blackmail me. Not that I’ve done anything horrible, but you probably could. You’re a funny gal who I know I can always share things with. You’ve listened to me whine when I was lonely, when I was sad, and even that one time when I was in a good mood. I appreciate all the advice, honesty, and conversations we have had even outside the blogosphere. You’re my sista from another mista. I hope Canada has been treating you well.

Nominee #7: I haven’t known you very long but I already know how awesome you are. I don’t know much about the person you are deep down inside. I know there’s some evil, but there is also a lot of kindness and acceptance.  You’re crazy funny and creative. I’m only jealous I don’t think up half the things you do because they’re so great. Madame, we bowlers need to stick together. (I don’t bowl and I’m not sure if you do either. It was hard to subtle with this one)

Nominee #8: You’re my longest tended follower who comes around still, although not as often I am always glad to hear from you. You’re a hard-worker and I have a feeling through your hard work you have inspired others, including myself, to put forth a greater effort. You’re a clever guy and it would be great to actually get to know the man behind your genius sometime. Your last name always makes me think of fish car with gills. This isn’t your fault, don’t feel to blame.

Nominee #9: Finally you are beginning to open up about who you are a little bit. Don’t be afraid. I know it seems like you can burn a bridge and ruin the life you have ahead of you so quickly, truth is it’s hard because most people aren’t paying so close attention. I’m still shocked by your age and how talented you are. You’re well-versed in knowledge and even when you’re talking about something I have no interest in you can get me glued. Making your blog may not have been intended, but having people wanting to get to know you must have been.

Nominee #10: Well, well, well. My sworn enemy. I’ll avoid saying anything negative here as this is time for celebration! The only bad thing I’ll say about you is you’re too timid at times. You should have no reason to. You’re a great artist, a talented writer, and people are always clambering to be around you. You’ve got a gift to  make people like you. Use it. You’re a great father and you actually remind me of my own dad in a lot of ways. Never lose that. Continue pouring your art out into the world. We need it as much as you do.

Nominee #11: I don’t know you very well, but I’ll say something nice because you’re pretty entertaining to talk to. Hopefully you start blogging more than once every three months so we can actually develop some sort of relationship. Anyway, you’re clearly a genius who thinks over top of my head. You’re almost a tomboy but not really. I have no doubt you put your heart into everything it is that you do. You’ll go far in life with all the wonderful things you have about you. Ren in doubt, just remember you’re a lot better than others out there.

Nominee #12: I don’t know you personally very much. Either of you. This is a duel nomination and I’m not sure either of you will ever see this because the one is probably off wearing skinny jeans in Toronto while the other is living something called the camel life whatever that means despite me reading the description. All this aside, you two future lesbian lovers are always a gas to read. You’re two chicks any guy would be lucky to have. It’s a shame you’re in love with each other and yourselves which is the same thing when I think about it.

Nominee #13: I could never find a single negative thing to say about you other than I thought you were a mean person at first. Clearly you’re not. You’re one of the kindest, sweetest, and supportive people I have met. You’re adventurous and daring. You tried describing to me more about what it is you do and it was so complicated I gave up listening. Really though, there’s a lot more to you than you ever let people know and I don’t think you should be afraid to show other sides of you sometimes. You have a way to cheer anybody up and I don’t doubt your closest friends keep you around because of it. A daily dose of you is never enough.

If you were left off don’t feel bad! All this means is we aren’t as close, you’re a dick, or I just don’t like you very much. If you’re really desperate for attention or a compliment let me know and I’ll find some kindness to spread your way. I hope none of what I said was too creepy as it came from a genuine place in my heart.

Liebster Awards

Adding to my 2-time championship reign as a Versatile Blogger Award Winner, I have recently been the recipient of something called The Liebster Award. Liebster, a word that in German means “dear” or which roughly translates into “Non-Jew” in English, is a great honor to be called, I think.

The award was given to me by two wonderful individuals who could very well be the same person masking themselves under multiple identities. Michael Cargill and Random Female Blog both presented me with these awards on the same day. How about that? Winning two awards in one day. I’m like Avatar but I’m still good outside of a movie theater setting.

In order to claim my prize I must give each of them a lap dance, beat a grizzly bear in a game of tic tac toe, and nominate 5 other blogs who I deem worthy of this privileged award. There are so many blogs to choose from. What I want to do is make sure that a few blogs that I often check out get some publicity. They have flown under the radar at times and deserve some attention. Here they are, my Liebster Award Winners:

Mindwarpfx: My first subscriber I ever got to my blog. That isn’t why he’s winning this either. He gave me a blow job, that’s why. He does something I don’t, he researches his topics. He has the ability to rant without seeming angry, a problem that I have. He’s well-informed (or at least has fooled me into thinking so) and deserves this award just as much as anyone who has gone down on me.

End of the Game: Yet again another smart cookie. Sometimes I don’t understand what he writes about it’s so intelligent. He’s into science, philosophy, and psychology. He enjoys long walks on the beach and bare-knuckle boxing with loved ones. If I ever have a question about the universe, this is the guy that I would ask.

The Adventures of Tootsie Woo: She’s silly, out of the ordinary, and comes across as lovingly adorable. There’s no real theme to it except for an explanation of all of the daily adventures she gets herself into. I love the quotes from her parents. They’re fun and remind me of what it was like to have a happy family before I murdered them all.

Paul Before Swine: This is a new blog I have found and I’m too lazy to research anything else. What I’ve read of his so far was great. His first blog I read and most recent about The Shining hade me howling! Okay, that’s an over exaggeration, but it was  really damn funny. I expect great things from him. Don’t let me down asshole!

Prone to Uncontrollable Fits of Laughter: The title says it all. I should stop right now and not say anything else. I won’t though. This is a blog that is updated frequently and has a lot to offer to everyone. Unless you’re blind. They’re this blog is useless to you. My favorite of the posts are the “First World Problems” that are up there on occasion. It reminds me how much greater my life is than those filthy cave dwellers over in Sweden.

So those are the award winners. I hope you can check them out and enjoy them as much as I do. I also hope these bastards appreciate the free plug.

Congratulations to you all. Your prize is forever being immortalized in the Hall of Liebster Award Winners located in Tallahassee, Florida. Stop on in the next time you take a trip to Disney World.

Versatile Blogger Awards

 

Versatile is a word I’ve used yet am not quite sure the definition of. Using an old trick, I will try to break down the word to figure it out. The first part, “vers” is similar to “verse”. A verse is a part of a song. Next is the “a”. That means single. A singular verse. Then there’s the end of the word. The “tile”. A tile is something that is placed on the ground, usually a kitchen to prevent macaroni from staining the floor. Putting it all together, the definition of versatile means something completely different from what I think it does.

I am the proud recipient of a Versatile Blogger Award. I’m not here to brag, gloat, dance, shove you over with a smile, or do anything else that I do when rubbing something in your face. I’m simply here to tell you that I am so talented, that another blogger has decided that I deserve an award for it. My 11^th grade lesbian English teacher who gave me an F on that paper I wrote comparing bans on sugary snacks to Communism, eat your heart out. Right after you finish munching on that carpet, of course.

(The award that was mailed to me, created to my likeness. Still not sure why I’m wearing a large boxing glove and going in for an uppercut)

I received this award from a fellow blogger, Kana Tyler. She’s much better at writing than I am, puts up more relevant pictures along with the effort, and has a lot more people who follow her and care what she has to say. That’s why this award is worth something. With 500-something people following her, I was one of the 15 who inspire, captivate, and make your day a little more tolerable. Coming from someone as talented as her, I am honored to not throw this award in the trash like I had planned to if ever received an award. I plan to do that in 2024 when I win a Nickelodeon Kid’s Choice Award after selling out my edgy image and making films about talking sunglasses.

But that’s not it. Turns out, I received this award from someone else as well, The Unknowledge Tree. He was lazy enough to not tell me that I was a big award winner. I had to find out after I got a shit-ton of views via his blog. Hey, I’ll take it. Especially from someone who not only writes tremendous thoughtful blogs that are really funny and original, but also has cartoons that go with them. Cartoons are awesome and I can never hate a cartoonist. Jim Davis, creator of Garfield, helped save my grandfather’s life at Iwo Jima. I might not exist if it wasn’t for cartoonists. It feels great to get an award from two people whose posts that I actually do enjoy reading. I mean that with all sincerity. I probably wouldn’t mention the person at all if I thought they were absolute shit and that’s how you can know that I really do find them entertaining.

(My second award given to me showcasing my desire to commit suicide by jumping off a tall building. Still waiting ont he personalize plate which was not included)

I am now officially a two-time Versatile Blog Award Winner. Still not quite sure what that means, but I do know that it’s good. Looking at a ranking of awards, I can see that it’s better than a Razzie, but not quite as good as a Nobel Peace Prize. As long as it’s better than Student of the Month, it’s the most valuable award that I have ever won.

Now with this award comes some responsibility. I am supposed to nominate 15 more blogs for this award. 15 is hard to come up with. Plus, I’m always plugging away your stupid blogs anyway. I will forgo that part of the award. Check out my blogroll for some awesome blogs if you‘re disappointed. They’re the ones I check out the most. Also check out my previous blogs for links to other subscribers of mine whom I enjoy reading. My award might be stripped from me for not doing this part of it and that scares me. Letting you know, I will defend this title with my life. I’m stocked up on canned goods and ammunition. I don’t have any guns, but I can throw bullets pretty hard; overhand, underhand, and submarine style like Dan Quinnsenberry.

Another part of this award is giving 7 facts about yourself. That’s easier. 7 is smaller than 15. Unless you’re playing golf. Or on Jupiter. I can do that.

Fact 1: Old timey music from the 1920s creeps me out. Everyone who wrote, mixed, and played that music is now dead. So are most people who listened to it when it first came out. Freaky shit.

Fact 2: The first book I ever read was about a moose. Maybe that’s where the name of this blog comes from. It was called Morris Goes to School, about what the title suggests. I still have two copies. One for bedtime reading, one for toilet time reading.

Fact 3: I was on something called “The Math Olympiads” in 5^th grade. It was something that all 30 of the 90 kids I the grade that were in the advanced math class participated in. I had the shirt up until a few years back where I gave it to Goodwill. They banned me from donating anything further.

Fact 4: When I was in 2^nd grade, I pooped my pants at a park. My mom had to clean my ass in the back seat. She was going to do it in the woods, but some hikers passed by. That’s why I hate hippies. Always nosy trying to look at children’s asses.

Fact 5: I was on the high school football team for exactly one practice. I didn’t have a uniform yet because I was on vacation the first week of practice. The warm-ups got me too tired. One of that fat coaches literally made me fetch items for him. Fuck that guy. Get your own damn insulin.

Fact 6: I cry a lot. I mean, it’s insane how much I cry. I went 4-5 years without crying. Now whenever I watch a season finale, I get watery eyed. It’s like the ending of a part of me. I should get into Soap Operas. They never end. I’ll stop crying.

Fact 7: I have never been punched. Check out my arms and my awesome skill-set of karate moves. I dare you to try to hit me.

So, I guess that’s it. Other than half-assing my award, I succeeded in filling out the rest of my duties. As cynical as I might be at times, it actually did make me smile to win an award, no matter how meaningless it might seem to be. It’s acknowledgement that I’m not completely wasting my time here. Maybe someday, you too can be blessed with talent and become the recipient of a major award, much like myself. Really though, I don’t have a single frequent reader who I think doesn’t have something interesting to say. Keep it up guys. I enjoy reading what you say just as much as you enjoy reading one paragraph of what I say and then commenting on that hoping that your comment will get you more views.