Posts Tagged ‘batman’

I decided I’m going to do two blog posts about Batman in a row. This one is dedicated to the women in Bruce Wayne and Batman’s life. The biggest problem with Bruce Wayne is that he never could balance banging one chick as the millionaire playboy and a different one as Batman. For some reason he had to eventually bang the chick as both, because maybe he likes women to feel like whores. I don’t know. My parents weren’t shot dead in front of me so I will not judge.

I have been thinking about it and Batman/Bruce Wayne should have gotten hotter chicks than he did.

Kim Bassinger

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In Batman, the original film done by Tim “Hey that’s a cool idea, let me ruin it” Burton, the love interest to Bruce Wayne is played by Kim Bassinger. While Bassinger was attractive back then, she was still in Alec Baldwin’s league and was he ever sexy? Alec is the famous Baldwin Brother. Daniel is the sexy one.

Michelle Pfeiffer

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I’m not going to even bother looking to see if I spelled her last name correctly because silent P’s piss me off. Her last name should be Fifer. Don’t give me this bullshit about a P then two f’s with an e thrown in there for good measure. Michelle Pppppppppppppppfeiffer (if you can add one silent P you can add many silent P’s) played Catwoman in this movie and she was still hot, but quickly fading. Taking into consideration that Batman was played by Michael Keaton aka the snowman possessed by a dead father in Jack Frost, he was dating way out of his league.

Nicole Kidman

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I never was attracted to Nicole Kidman. She’s so tall and flat in a wobbly sort of way, no disrespect to her of course because all women are beautiful in some way. Nicole Kidman just happens to be beautiful in the way she has lots of money. Not only that, Kidman slept with Tom Cruise. Worst of all, she’s not the only Bruce Wayne girlfriend to do it.

Katie Holmes

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Prisoner of Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes is another actress that has no sex appeal yet we pretend she does. Best known for her Dawson’s Creek days, Holmes could only be so lucky to nail a guy like Bruce Wayne down. Christian Bale is also probably the best looking Batman, at least in my eyes. There’s something about him I find so endearing in a totally “hey we’re just two men exploring each other’s bodies” kind of way.

Maggie Gyllenhaal

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Not only did Bruce Wayne want to tap this, so did Harvey Dent. They fought over it and eventually she got killed and Harvey Dent had half his face blown off. Really, Two-Face should have been called Half-Face. I guess he has a more positive perspective on life than me though, right? That’s how those things are determined. Maggie Gyllenhaal seems too attainable to me. Someone like Bruce Wayne should only get really hot chicks with giant breasts and bad taste in television shows–because hot chicks always have such bad taste in things.

The Dark Knight Rises did a good job at actually having women Bruce Wayne should more realistically sleep with. Anne Hathaway was hot as Catwoman, the foreign girl with the dumb plan that took too long was smoking, and Joseph Gordon-Levitt is cute in a boyish way. I still can’t believe they had Batman makeout with a guy!

*Please note I would bang every woman mentioned here, but that’s only because I make $12 an hour with no benefits other than my boss gives me muffins sometimes.

**Also wanted to point out that Iron Man dates Gwyneth Paltrow, another woman who is not as attractive as we pretend she is. Maybe I just have something against incredibly flat-chested women?

I saw a meme online. When I got finished vomiting over the fact we communicate with brief pictures with a few words slapped onto it (we are much more advanced than that, I think) I thought about it.

The meme was a picture of Batman pulled over by the police saying how the man behind the mask is a millionaire who spent all of this money on a costume and batmobile. What he does with this other than get laid all of the time is visit children in hospitals.

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My first reaction to this was I don’t give a hoot! Why should I? It doesn’t affect me. That’s kind of my attitude about life now. I know it sounds terrible and like I’m becoming a worse person, but it really makes me happier. The way I see it there are two types of people. There are people who don’t want to inconvenience others and people who don’t want to be inconvenienced. Instincts tell me that I don’t want to be someone who inconveniences others. I am inherently good and after 26 years on this planet now with bad joints, I’m starting to see the ramification of doing what you think is good all of the time. There’s a difference between right and good. Good is doing everything someone tells you to do, like a dog. Right is asking what the benefit is for you, the person, and society as a whole.

Whether it’s true or not that this guy visits hospitals to help dying kids, and I certainly have my doubts, is good. This millionaire man goes around cheering up kids while dressed as everyone’s favorite millionaire superhero, Batman. I can safely say he’s everyone’s favorite millionaire superhero because if you like Ironman more than Batman you are not a human. Stop trying to be too cool for the room. Ironman is terrible.

ironman(Is it even necessary to give an iron suit fake abs? And why do his legs have to be a different color? Are we supposed to think he’s wearing khakis?)

I think spending money to bring smiles to soon to be dead faces is worthless when instead you can possibly make those smiles last a little longer. I am someone who values life over anything else. I understand a life might be pointless if there is no joy in it too, but you never know that for sure. The fact these kids are in a hospital means they aren’t exactly joyless Third World children who got dealt the ‘directions card’ in a game of poker. Sure, it’s great to want to make people happy, especially sick children. But how about you help make them one day have the chance to be sick and dying old people? The money could have gone toward something much more important, like a cure.

There was also the big Batkid thing in San Francisco recently. While this is cute and great for the kid, I feel it’s too self-serving for the rest of us. The kid will most likely live as his cancer is in remission which is great. However, it still feels like people got together to make him feel like Batman for us more than him. We can say we did our part by contributing to this. Helping one kid live out a fantasy is small picture thinking. The big picture is there are always going to be kids suffering and dying. Temporary happiness doesn’t feel worthwhile when misery is everywhere else.

I wrote most of this rant a few months ago and I don’t feel too strongly about it right now, as the original millionaire dressing up as Batman pissed me off. When I first saw the picture I left a comment that said I wanted to hire someone to dress up as The Joker to punch the Batman guy. Cute stories like this will always grab headlines because we love Patch Adams type people, not real scientists who actually slave away trying to find cures.

Now that the anger is out of my system, here’s something to upset the rest of you. Here’s a friendly reminder who the next Batman is–

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Incase you have been living under a rock or live in a nation that is still recovering economically ever since Genghis Khan came through and haven’t had time to pay attention, Lily in Canada and I have started a new blog together in which we will discuss different Kid’s Shows. Since both of us are 90s kids born 4 days apart we have pretty much seen every television show created for children that has come out in the last 25 years. I’ll admit, this was all Lily’s idea. She’s the Mark Zuckerberg and I’m those creepy twins in this project. If this new blog is anything like any other blog anyone has ever created, I’m thinking after only two posts I’m well on my way to becoming rich and famous.

My first article I have written about is Batman: The Animated Series which was probably a poor choice unless you’re a guy ages 22-26. Wait until I write about Gargoyles, then you will really have no interest.

This blog will also continue to remain active, of course, since I have more to talk about than children’s shows. Not much more, but I do have a few other things left to say. Enjoy the superblog and be sure to let us know any suggestions you may have for shows you would like covered. Thanks and now go back to doing what you do.

 

We all have a mortal enemy. Some of us haven’t met him or her yet. Most of will marry that person. It’s a cruel joke played on us by the Universe. I like having villains in my life. It makes me feel more like Batman, the guy who I insisted that I would grow up to be like. I never liked Superman. His villains were a bald high school rival and a “bizarre” version of himself. It always made me think of Seinfeld. I can’t root for a Jewish superhero. I’m sorry, I don’t think Moyle Boy is a great idea.

Right now I don’t know who my mortal enemy is. I’ve crushed all of my previous ones. I never really had a high school rival or anything similar to that. Nobody wanted to be good at the things I excelled in. The “Being Ignored” and “Not Getting Laid” teams had little competition on them. It’s a dark time when you don’t have a natural rival.

If I go big picture, I have tons of enemies. All Japanese people. I still haven’t forgiven them for their actions during the Revolutionary War. They could have easily helped us Americans out. No, we had to rely on the French. The Japanese are a bunch of unhelpful perverts. Another enemy I have are all of the terrorists in the world. The towel on the head kind and the cyber kind. I don’t like the towel kind because I hate people who waste laundry items. 9/11 didn’t help them either. The cyber kind annoy me because what they do is hack into my Myspace account and spam my friends. There’s no telling what they’ve done to my Myspace by now. I haven’t been on it in close to 40 years! Margin of error 37 years.

Locally there are some enemies in my own country. Politicians, neighbors, slow-moving gas station attendants; they’re all almost as bad as terrorists. I’m sure some of them are terrorists. Politicians are villainous because they tell me how to run my life. They don’t own me. They can’t tell me what I do with my body. If I want a belly button piercing, I will get a belly button piercing. I guess that isn’t a hot button issue in Washington, but I would like to make it one. Men should never have their belly buttons pierced. I don’t think they should ever even call it a belly button. It should just be stomach vagina. My neighbors are villainous for much for volatile reasons. The people above me are loud and yell every Sunday at each other. One says they’re leaving for good now and an hour later the mean woman is on her balcony cursing on her cell phone. We seriously can’t be the same species as those people. My other neighbors never pick up after their dogs and let one of their dogs run around without a leash. We’re in an apartment complex with a road in front of us. There are a lot of gang members in the area hence a lot of speedy drivers. Show some love for your 5 pound dog and tie a shoe lace around its neck if you’re so poor because your giant TV cost too much. Gas station attendants are not nearly as awful as I had thought they were now that I think about politicians and my neighbors. They’re actually polite for the most part. Scratch them off the list of villains in my life and replace them with cashiers that don’t ask me how I am. I look forward to saying “Good” to a strange. Lies are fun.

Still, there are no villains in the world right now that we can really celebrate the death of. I guess the most evil man alive would be Kim Jong-Il. Or maybe it’s the “president” of Iran who doesn’t think there are any gay people in his country. How ugly are the men in Iran that none are attracted to each other? Open up a LA Fitness and I guarantee you that he’ll finally open up his eyes and see a lot of GayRanians.

I remember the night that Osama Bin Laden died. Everyone was so happy and it made me think, where is the line that we can celebrate someone being shot in the face? I was as happy as the next guy (unless the next guy was Osama), but all my life I’ve been made to believe that life is precious no matter whose life it is. Everyone I knew believed it. Then we were all so ecstatic when The Notorious O.B.L. got his retina blown out. I guess that’s the ultimate sign of a villain. When your morals are completely turned upside down. We need more villains in this world. When you think about it, they bring us closer together in the end. So go out there and create havoc and Anarchy. Your death might inspire handshakes among those who thought they were enemies when really you were the one we all despised.

(This is a real picture that I managed to capture on CNN the night OBL was killed. I found it hilarious)

“The enemies of my friends are the friends of my enemies of the friends that are my friends of my enemies who are not my enemies of my friends.” – A Famous Quote

Returns

Posted: August 24, 2011 in August 2011
Tags: , ,

I have returned to blogging. Not because I enjoy it, no. Because two people mentioned that they read my blog and missed it. Maybe missing it isn’t the right way to phrase this. It was more of a reaction if you find out someone that leant you a pencil in high school had died. You think, “Shit, that could have been me. What if I had decided to return their pencil that same day they caught cancer. Damn it.” It was that kind.

If you’re curious my blog stopped it’s because my neighbors wised up and blocked me from stealing their Internet. They changed their WiFi name to “Can’t Hack My Wifi” which tempted me to get my own home Internet access for the lone purpose of naming mine “I Just Did Bitch.” Now I’m nervous that they saw everything I had searched for online. I didn’t look up anything too risqué out of respect.

But for now, I will update this as often as I can. I’m having difficulty writing anything new outside of blogging and this is my outlet until an idea pops in my head. Enjoy!