Posts Tagged ‘battlefield earth’

Sadness comes from a lot of places. Sometimes it’s from childhood trauma. Other times it comes from the stress of everyday life. My sadness comes from my butt. It’s not a very good support for my overly muscular body. Muscle weighs more than fat. The slogan of mothers everywhere trying to please their overweight sons. And even if you are an overweight son you have value. Your life has worth. And that’s what today I would like to talk about. The value and worth we as human beings all have.

Firmly I believe each individual life has some value. Even the most despicable person on the planet has a purpose. I feel worthless a lot of the time. Then I remind myself that even if I was dead I would have value on the black market. Do you know how much a kidney might cost out there? Cubans are born with only 4 toes on each foot. Still think your being is worthless? There’s an entire Communist island envious of how high you can count on your footsies!

(The missing toe helps them to swim better. It almost makes their foot into a fin so they can swim to America which of course is paved with golden roads and has plentiful job security)

Slavery is always another option to make yourself feel more worthwhile. The fatter your calf muscles the more valuable you are. Slaves are like oxen in that way. I remember a faker pretending to be a Williamsburg Colonist telling me I would have been very desired back in his days due to my strong calf muscles. This is a creepy thing to say to a child. Especially when you’re dressed in 400 year old fashion with an ugly wig on. Maybe he was the town pedophile like how they have town criers or town whores. Perhaps whenever a pedophile was seen as committing pedophilia back in those days he would be put into one of those things you poke your head and hands through. Instead of throwing rotten fruit they rub fully developed breasts in his face. Nothing worse for a pedophile than a grown woman’s body.

(They’re called stocks! I think I gave my computer a virus looking it up. I should have settled with a picture of a grown woman’s body as planned)

What makes me a valuable person? That is a question we all need to ask ourselves. Personally I have a lot to offer. I am a great listener. Mostly because Timisgoo and will avoid saying anything bad to other people at all costs. Instead I shut up and ask questions I do not really care to find out answers to. Here’s a tip. The more questions I ask, the more I’m trying not to get caught doing something I shouldn’t be doing. It’s what us magicians call a “swerve.” And yes I consider myself a magician. I own The Prestige and once rode Houdini’s Great Escape 8 times in one day at Six Flags Great Adventure. I’m more qualified than half those dopes in the Magician’s Alliance.

(Would you believe the guy in the middle is married to Amy Poehler? I know, he really must have thought she had a movie career after SNL)

Think about the magic of life for a moment. It’s okay to think about magic. I’m a magician, remember? You’ll be safe. The odds for you to even exist are so slim. For that one sperm to make it is magnificent. Now think about how weak you are sometimes. You’re still stronger than all those other dud spermatozoa. So many factors have to be right for you to even exist. Your parents have to be in the mood. The alcohol has to be flowing. God forbid you’re one of those poor sperm who are nothing more than a wet dream. No. That ain’t you. You managed to survive the sperm lottery. You exist. And that alone gives you value.

Feeling worthless usually comes from self-doubt. It’s fine to doubt yourself. I doubt myself all the time. I bought honey roasted peanuts the other day and the entire drive home was nervously trying to reach into the bag to see if I had accidentally bought the regular ones. Not that I don’t mind the regular ones. I was in the mood for the honey roasted type. I know this is much different from doubting your existence as a good person. What even is good? See, you start questioning things like this and you become a Greek philosopher. Those guys were always getting murdered for thinking outside the box. Now when you think outside the box you get a C- on your English paper. My point is, doubting yourself is natural and we all do it. Don’t think so much. You’ll end up drinking poison or having to show off extra cleavage to please your lazy-eyed English teacher.

(My 12th grade English teacher actually did have a lazy eye. It happened when he tried following a fly around with his eye and it got stuck going in circles)

Every person on the planet has some value. That’s why suicide bombers are so incredibly heinous. They believe in a cause more than their own lives or the lives of others. Same goes for you Kamikaze pilots reading this. Sure, you got an alcoholic drink named after you, but at what cost? You’ll never live to see it. Look at yourself and find what makes you a great person. If you can’t do that then who will ever believe you when you tell them they’re wonderful? Love yourself, then love others, and they will feel all the more loved. Stop moping around about how you’re worthless and have no value. You aren’t and you do. At the very least you could always donate yourself to science. Shut up and put that hive inducing lipstick on.