Posts Tagged ‘ben affleck’

How does one measure talent? To each of us, average skills are weighed differently. There are plenty of things I am good at. I have never once put a fork into a toaster (mostly because I do not own a toaster). I’m a very loving father and husband to my fictional family that does not exist. My talents are endless. However, there are five simple things everyone else can do that I never once have been able to pull off.

Snapping Fingers

Is it the friction of the skin or is it the cracking of the knuckles that causes the loud snapping sound? I have no clue. Never have I been able to probably snap. I imagine my hand breaking each time I try. When I do try, my fingers awkwardly rub together. The only sound anyone hears is embarrassment coming from my face for not being able to pull off one of the simplest of physical movements.

Broken_Finger_by_umop3pisdn(This is the only way I can ever snap my fingers–in an elevator door)

Blow Bubbles

I love chewing gum. I love chewing it so much I deny myself the right because I would become addicted. One of the perks of chewing gum is getting to blow bubbles, sometimes if you are feeling extra cruel, into other people’s hair. To be fair, I have gotten around three small bubbles in my lifetime, but not since the 1990s. My bubble blowing success resembles good Pearl Jam albums in that way. I have since given up trying to blow bubbles because it’s not cute anymore when a bubble appears through chapped lips and a five o’clock shadow.

ben affleck(This is the first time Ben Affleck blew something not named Matt Damon)

Ride a Bike

The biggest reason I have never tried out for ‘The Amazing Race’ other than I am not in good enough shape, cannot drive stick, and struggle to communicate with others while in pressure situations it that I never learned how to ride a bike. I can ice skate, which probably means I could fly a plane without practice, but riding a bike is something I never did without tipping over. This is a fine testament to the childhood I had where the only thing my parents taught me was that the louder you yell the more crying will occur.

dog bike(Great editing taking out the nails through the paws to keep the dog up)

Sit in a Chair Comfortably

Even the most laziest of activities I cannot do without failing. Sitting in a chair for me is torture. I have studied everything I have read online and never can I master this ancient art of doing nothing. My feet never touch the ground without stretching and my back always slouches. As I type this I am standing, which I do often. The standing has given me foot problems so I am basically headed down a path of being bedridden by 30.

Boy_sitting_in_Monte_Ne_chair_at_Frisco_Park,_1987(The kid not only looks comfortable in the chair, but he also has an awesome shirt and an epic haircut. I hate him!)

Whistle

Going to work is rarely fun. Going to work and not being able to obnoxiously whistle the entire time is even worse. I envy Snow White’s dwarves, whistling all day on the job. This is something I can never accomplish. It doesn’t matter how many times I watch the ending of ‘Casablanca’ and take the advice “Just put your lips together and blow.” When I try this spit flies and it sounds less like a bird call and more like a Whoopee cushion.

obama whistling(The president whistling for fun or getting ready to kiss a foreign dictator’s ass?)

I saw a meme online. When I got finished vomiting over the fact we communicate with brief pictures with a few words slapped onto it (we are much more advanced than that, I think) I thought about it.

The meme was a picture of Batman pulled over by the police saying how the man behind the mask is a millionaire who spent all of this money on a costume and batmobile. What he does with this other than get laid all of the time is visit children in hospitals.

batman-on-lamborghini-gallardo-spyder-3

My first reaction to this was I don’t give a hoot! Why should I? It doesn’t affect me. That’s kind of my attitude about life now. I know it sounds terrible and like I’m becoming a worse person, but it really makes me happier. The way I see it there are two types of people. There are people who don’t want to inconvenience others and people who don’t want to be inconvenienced. Instincts tell me that I don’t want to be someone who inconveniences others. I am inherently good and after 26 years on this planet now with bad joints, I’m starting to see the ramification of doing what you think is good all of the time. There’s a difference between right and good. Good is doing everything someone tells you to do, like a dog. Right is asking what the benefit is for you, the person, and society as a whole.

Whether it’s true or not that this guy visits hospitals to help dying kids, and I certainly have my doubts, is good. This millionaire man goes around cheering up kids while dressed as everyone’s favorite millionaire superhero, Batman. I can safely say he’s everyone’s favorite millionaire superhero because if you like Ironman more than Batman you are not a human. Stop trying to be too cool for the room. Ironman is terrible.

ironman(Is it even necessary to give an iron suit fake abs? And why do his legs have to be a different color? Are we supposed to think he’s wearing khakis?)

I think spending money to bring smiles to soon to be dead faces is worthless when instead you can possibly make those smiles last a little longer. I am someone who values life over anything else. I understand a life might be pointless if there is no joy in it too, but you never know that for sure. The fact these kids are in a hospital means they aren’t exactly joyless Third World children who got dealt the ‘directions card’ in a game of poker. Sure, it’s great to want to make people happy, especially sick children. But how about you help make them one day have the chance to be sick and dying old people? The money could have gone toward something much more important, like a cure.

There was also the big Batkid thing in San Francisco recently. While this is cute and great for the kid, I feel it’s too self-serving for the rest of us. The kid will most likely live as his cancer is in remission which is great. However, it still feels like people got together to make him feel like Batman for us more than him. We can say we did our part by contributing to this. Helping one kid live out a fantasy is small picture thinking. The big picture is there are always going to be kids suffering and dying. Temporary happiness doesn’t feel worthwhile when misery is everywhere else.

I wrote most of this rant a few months ago and I don’t feel too strongly about it right now, as the original millionaire dressing up as Batman pissed me off. When I first saw the picture I left a comment that said I wanted to hire someone to dress up as The Joker to punch the Batman guy. Cute stories like this will always grab headlines because we love Patch Adams type people, not real scientists who actually slave away trying to find cures.

Now that the anger is out of my system, here’s something to upset the rest of you. Here’s a friendly reminder who the next Batman is–

fenway_affleck