Posts Tagged ‘better than wigs’

Fish do not wear hats. Why is this? My theory is fish do not know what hats are. They never walk by a Lids store in the mall and think “How does that place stay open?” I think fish should wear hats. It would be cute. A little top hat on a flounder might make me reconsider how delicious they are. Most fish also probably do not wear hats because they have no hair. Imagine that. Being completely hairless. What fish lack in hair they make up for in being slimy. Weird thing is several hairless people I have met could have the same said about them. Continue on for more about hats.

I’m not sure when the hat was invented. I like to think it was sometime more recent. The Flinstones never wore hats so they’re not all that old. American Patriots wore hats. So sometimes between the time when pelicans were used for mixing cement and British women put fake moles on their faces, hats were created. I think the main purpose of a hat is to keep your head warm. You never see an Eskimo wearing a hat much though. Probably because they don’t have any sports teams of note anywhere nearby. Are you going to be like Glenn on The Walking Dead and wear a plain white hat with no design?

(Maybe the plain whiteness could be used by the Eskimo to designate snow. Those nose rubbers love snow)

When I was younger I had a hat collection. The probably with a hat collection is nobody cares about it. You can’t bring in a lot of hats on show-and-tell. You look like you’re holding the remnants from a terrible bus accident which was filled with bald men, gangsters, and women from the Red Hat Society. I had these hangers I could use to display the hats openly for my zero friends who ever came over to visit. I hate two hats from the Anaheim Mighty Ducks. Once a girl with a funny name asked me if I liked the team or the movie. I told her I liked the movie. Then she said Darth Vader was from Star Trek. Suddenly I felt less ridiculous for owning two hats from the same movie.

I wear a hat most days to work. It’s an Opie & Anthony cap I got years ago. The hat is pretty beat up at this point. I continue to wear it anyway. For several reasons. The first being I want to be known as “the guy in the hat” and not something worse. You see, I nickname everyone I meet. I did not want to risk getting a negative adjective attached to myself by the cruel people I encounter in my daily life. Always wearing a hat made it an easy distinguishing feature. I’m also very superstitious. Since I got the hat I have not died. My third reason for wearing the hat is I wore it every day so often that I felt naked without it. My sense of balance was off. Tossing a hat upon my head not only helped to keep me from falling over, it allowed me to avoid combing my hair or worrying about any top-of-forehead-zits.

(An actual silhouette of me not wearing a hat and falling. Yes, my right hand has 3 fingers and a talon)

It’s the other people’s hat wearing habits which bug me. I wear hats of things I enjoy. Sports teams, entertainment references, crude sayings have all been on my hats. Let’s say there is this guy I have declared my mortal enemy. He has done nothing wrong other than wear hats of 3 different sports teams. I mentioned him briefly in another post. Back when all he had worn was a Colorado Rockies hat. Now he has worn a Toronto Blue Jays and a New York Yankees one. His first name starts with an M so it’s not like he’s trying to be a rapper. There isn’t an M hidden anywhere in those team names. Does he just like the colors? Is he an idiot? No. I’m the idiot. An idiot for not removing his hat for him.

One time a hat saved my life. In 6th grade we had a class called SFA. I forget what it stood for. All I remember was Joey “Lollipop” Ryan claiming his dog had a valid reaction to a note he wrote her. This day in class we were supposed to share a very special item in our lives. I remember one fat bully saying “I just wore my football jersey” and it was special because his mom wouldn’t let him play football. The teacher could tell he forgot his very special item. She turned to me. It was my turn. I too like this football jersey wearing asshole (seriously, he’s in the top 5 worst human beings I have ever met) forgot my special item. Lucky for me, I was a hat wearer. I yanked out my Tampa Bay Devil Rays hat. I told the story how I got the hat when I was down in Florida on vacation. The teacher smiled. I had pleased her hunger for special items. I probably shouldn’t have said the hat saved my life, but it helped me out. Back then grades were everything. I probably would have killed myself if I got a zero for the day in a useless class meant to raise self-esteem.

I could go on forever about hats. There are so many types. The chef hat, Cat in the Hat hat, ones with propellers, visors, square paper ones, and so on. You know the types. Any polyester that can be placed on your head could be considered a hat. They’re multipurpose and come in so many colors and designs. They function like shirts but for our heads. I would never want to live in a world without hats. They let people know we’re hungover and it’s almost always a good way to spot a bisexual chick.

(The Man in the Yellow Hat is not a woman. Therefore he is not bisexual. Sex with young curious monkeys are the only way he swings)

“Despite all my rage I am still just a hat in a cage.” – Bullet with Butterfly Wings, Billy “Cueball” Corgan