Posts Tagged ‘bisexuals’

What makes a woman fall in love with a man? I’m told that it’s a sense of humor, unwavering confidence, a friendly smile, and a strong overall personality. That’s what I’ve been told by single women who will die alone. They expect too much out of a guy. Their dream men are in dime novels portrayed on the covers by Fabio. I do agree that it’s personality more than anything that attracts one person to another. This is a good thing. It allows us odd-looking human beings to find a mate. Thing is, there are some guys out there with no redeeming qualities yet they get the girl. What do these guys have that I don’t? Tattoos? Rock hard abs? Unemployment checks?

The film The Scorpion King is a pretty good example of a similar phenomenon. The main character portrayed by the people’s champ The Rock is on a mission of vengeance against some guy who I’ve never seen in any other movie. He gets Kelly Hu to fall in love with him by murdering a lot of bad guys. Yes, he’s The Rock. He’s shaped like a God, has a bright white smile, and he’s multiracial. What is it about multiracial people that we love so much? They’re like a buffet of nationalities. The point is, he never really does anything to get the girl to really like him. Yeah he protects her, but he’s also the one who kidnapped her. It’s a pretty shallow lesson when you think about it. She clearly only liked The Rock for his looks. Never did he do anything romantic. Unless you count getting shot in the back with an arrow romantic. I don’t. I’m not conservative enough for that.

(“Catch this!” I think this is the third time in a week I mentioned The Rock. I think I should be shot with an arrow for nerdness)

Other films have similar antics. Recently I watched the Ryan Gossling film Drive. For a movie called Drive, there wasn’t much driving. I am happy though that the Incubus song didn’t make an appearance. I can’t like Incubus based on the fact that their band name comes from a demon who impregnates girls on the night of their first period and their big song has the lyrics “Whatever tomorrow brings I’ll be there.” Whatever tomorrow brings? What if tomorrow brings her arriving at your place with your best friend in her pants? Stop being such pussies with an awesome band name. But anyway, in the film Ryan Gossling’s love interest falls for him almost immediately. I think all he did was help her with groceries. He has no real personality and never smiles. How can you love someone who never smiles? Yes, again like with the Scorpion King there’s a lot of saving and protecting. But policemen do that every day. That doesn’t make them sexy.

(Their interrogation tactics do!)

I haven’t seen it in a while, but Last of the Mohicans had a major love story to it. I don’t remember why or how they fell in love. It was love at first sight though. Similar to the whole Pocahontas shit. I’ve been through it before and I want to go through it again. There is no reason why John Smith could ever love Pocahontas for non-shallow reasons and vice versa. They spoke completely different languages. Didn’t she also die when he brought her back to England? Imagine that. He brought her back to meet his parents and she gets sick and dies. All that time she spent hanging around a raccoon yet it’s a head cold that kills her. John Smith was a shallow mind-controlling asshole.

The film Die Hard is guilty of this too in a way. Bruce Willis is separated from his wife and he goes to visit her in LA. He’s a New York City cop and he flies all the way out there for her stupid office party. He even brings her a big teddy bear. For you Europeans not familiar with the size of the US, that would be like flying from London to whatever is 3,000 miles away. After he manages to kill all of the terrorists single-handedly (the guy from Family Matters does kill Karl, I should give that bisexual black man some credit, yep the dad from Family Matters is bisexual) all of the arguments between he and his wife seem to be forgiven. I suppose if you follow through the series further their relationship doesn’t work out. So maybe this isn’t a very good example. But you did learn that Reginald VelJohnson is bisexual which could come in handy someday if you’re ever trying to get a threesome going.

(I guess when you own shirts like this you take whatever you can get)

Some credit should be given for any woman who has a thing with John Favreau on film. His characters are always so bleak and annoying. His face makes him even less appealing. As awful as his credits always are, he does have some charm and at least has a personality unlike so many action heroes. I could say the same thing about Ron Perlman. He’s basically Future John Favreau. What they have that these other love makers don’t are the things women in real life look for in a guy. These girls don’t just care about a strong moral code and the ability for their man to kill a lot of people.

So what is the appeal of a tough guy who doesn’t actually save the day? You know the type of person I’m talking about. Those Ed Hardy gangster wannabes with pencil thin sideburns. They always seem to get the girls. Girls with large breasts, thin waists, and empty heads. Dream girls. I need to have my family murdered. Then I will get vengeance and along the way meet a woman who will like me because I’m quiet and know how to kill men with my bare hands.