Posts Tagged ‘blowing bubbles’

How does one measure talent? To each of us, average skills are weighed differently. There are plenty of things I am good at. I have never once put a fork into a toaster (mostly because I do not own a toaster). I’m a very loving father and husband to my fictional family that does not exist. My talents are endless. However, there are five simple things everyone else can do that I never once have been able to pull off.

Snapping Fingers

Is it the friction of the skin or is it the cracking of the knuckles that causes the loud snapping sound? I have no clue. Never have I been able to probably snap. I imagine my hand breaking each time I try. When I do try, my fingers awkwardly rub together. The only sound anyone hears is embarrassment coming from my face for not being able to pull off one of the simplest of physical movements.

Broken_Finger_by_umop3pisdn(This is the only way I can ever snap my fingers–in an elevator door)

Blow Bubbles

I love chewing gum. I love chewing it so much I deny myself the right because I would become addicted. One of the perks of chewing gum is getting to blow bubbles, sometimes if you are feeling extra cruel, into other people’s hair. To be fair, I have gotten around three small bubbles in my lifetime, but not since the 1990s. My bubble blowing success resembles good Pearl Jam albums in that way. I have since given up trying to blow bubbles because it’s not cute anymore when a bubble appears through chapped lips and a five o’clock shadow.

ben affleck(This is the first time Ben Affleck blew something not named Matt Damon)

Ride a Bike

The biggest reason I have never tried out for ‘The Amazing Race’ other than I am not in good enough shape, cannot drive stick, and struggle to communicate with others while in pressure situations it that I never learned how to ride a bike. I can ice skate, which probably means I could fly a plane without practice, but riding a bike is something I never did without tipping over. This is a fine testament to the childhood I had where the only thing my parents taught me was that the louder you yell the more crying will occur.

dog bike(Great editing taking out the nails through the paws to keep the dog up)

Sit in a Chair Comfortably

Even the most laziest of activities I cannot do without failing. Sitting in a chair for me is torture. I have studied everything I have read online and never can I master this ancient art of doing nothing. My feet never touch the ground without stretching and my back always slouches. As I type this I am standing, which I do often. The standing has given me foot problems so I am basically headed down a path of being bedridden by 30.

Boy_sitting_in_Monte_Ne_chair_at_Frisco_Park,_1987(The kid not only looks comfortable in the chair, but he also has an awesome shirt and an epic haircut. I hate him!)

Whistle

Going to work is rarely fun. Going to work and not being able to obnoxiously whistle the entire time is even worse. I envy Snow White’s dwarves, whistling all day on the job. This is something I can never accomplish. It doesn’t matter how many times I watch the ending of ‘Casablanca’ and take the advice “Just put your lips together and blow.” When I try this spit flies and it sounds less like a bird call and more like a Whoopee cushion.

obama whistling(The president whistling for fun or getting ready to kiss a foreign dictator’s ass?)

I didn’t think I would hear back until tomorrow about the first of the contests I have entered recently. I was curious and checked out the website tonight only to find they had already announced the winners. And as the title suggests, it blew.

Childhood past time(Remember childhood when the only thing that blew were bubbles? I mean, if you were lucky of course. I wasn’t raised Catholic)

My name only appeared on the site as the winner of a randomly drawn prize. This means I could have sent them a blank document and probably won it. As I am making a tradition that I began last year, I am going to make fun of the titles of the other winners and how terrible they sound as well as made up plots. It’s the only thing that makes me feel better about devoting my time to something I cared about only to be told it wasn’t good enough. I entered two under the television category, but I am also going to make fun of the films because I am better an angry. I also want to mention that the biggest winner from this contest in the past is Snow White and the Huntsman. So in short, I’m worse than that crappy film and that was one of the worst movies I have ever seen.

Television:

Ad Game – A look into the intriguing world of board game advertising. With technology improving, will anyone go back to the basics? One man thinks he has an advertisement that will blow everyone away. It doesn’t and he kills himself in the first episode.

Children of Eden – Adam and Eve are a blue-collar couple who realize their lives are worthless because they have no friends. They end up adopting a couple of babies from Asia and then chaos ensues in a very Cheaper by the Dozen way.

Electric Church – Based on the true story of Joel Osteen using too much electricity, Joe Losteen a fictional character not based on anyone, uses too much electricity in his church and he has to learn to go back to his roots, not reading the Bible from his iPad.

Karamazov – An awesome show about a Russian mobster that fails after one season because nobody can spell or pronounce the title.

Law Show – Seriously…this was the best title they could come up with? Next year I’m entering something called Cop Show and then complaining when they don’t make it a finalist. If I saw something called Law Show I would have tracked down the writer and cut off fingers every hour until they came up with a real title.

Resident – The prequel to Resident Evil before the evil zombie part. Nothing happens.

Resolved – The show opens up on the season finale. All of the problems are resolved and there is no conflict.

The Cave – An abused girl obsessed with Mumford and Sons continues to play their hit song The Cave over and over again until her parents kick her out. She was a real annoying bitch anyway and is played by Emily Osment because there are occasional songs that need to be sung.

The Watson School for Girls – Gossip Girl but named after a fictional character from Sherlock Holmes. In season 3 one of the main girls die from AIDS.

Yukon – Northern Exposure except on the Canadian part. Nobody watches it because nobody likes Eskimos.

Film:

Arctic Circle – The film version of Yukon except one of the main actresses refuses to be in it because she’s a diva.

The Artist Formerly Known as John Smith – A modern-day interpretation of the story of Pocahontas where John Smith is basically the musician Prince.

Brood X – A film chronicling the story behind one of the most average wrestling stables of all-time, The Brood. The X part has to do with the fact X-Pac has a main part in it.

Butterfly Children – A sexual education film about the birthing of butterflies. It strikes up some controversy after the opening scene of butterfly rape.

The Cause of it All – Howard Zimmershit has spent his entire life getting blamed for things he didn’t do. After a massive terrorist attack on the symbol of American freedom, American Apparel, Zimmershit finds himself blamed for it and must go on the run.

The Colony – March of the Penguins with ants.

Compliance – Newt Jones does whatever people tell him to do. Then one day he stands up for himself and finds there is more to life than being a submissive fool.

Cricket – A live action version of the origin story of Jiminy Cricket. Before he was Pinocchio’s conscience, Jiminy Cricket worked for the mafia. Eventually he turns and begins working for the police as a CI.

Cutting Numbers – A  mohel and a math teacher must team up to enter a boxing tournament to save a dying singing cat.

Deadmen – Two hours of pictures flashing on the screen of different dead people.

Demain Je Me Tue – It’s like Moulin Rouge and the only difference is this one has more bestiality.

Dickens and Isabella – The untold touching story of Charles Dickens and his shit-rag he named Isabella.

The Gentle Apocalypse – During WWII, it appears as if the world is coming to an end. The Nazis push through Europe until one man steps up to stop them, a gentle teddy bear. He’s not so gentle though. He’s basically Rambo. But he kills people. This is a very bloody movie.

Holy Mackerel – Originally titled “Things Only Grandmothers Say,” this film is about a cow manure eating contest in West Virginia and the people in it.

Paganini – The sequel to Holy Mackerel, this one taking place in Italy.

Priscilla – A completely made-up story about Elvis’s wife and how she saves everyone from a robot holocaust.

Satan in Arkansas – Dave Kershmere and Lyle Savage are two pedophiles who open up their own pizza shop. At first the town has trouble accepting their lifestyle, until they taste the pizza.

Space Cadet – A theatrical release of Cadet Kelly starring Hilary Duff. They don’t exactly redo the movie or anything, they just dub over some of the words with space words like “moon” and “tang.”

Under Angels – A satirical take on the often taboo subject of having missionary position sex with angels and how they are never adventurous in bed. Sandra Bullock attached.

White Line Fever – Melanie Growdick is the only woman working as a line in the road painter. She gets sick one day with a fever and has to call out sick. Her boss tells her she can’t and she begins protesting the right for people to take off work whenever they feel the least bit under the weather.

Two down, like 3 or 4 more? I don’t know. I entered a lot of stuff. I have to be a finalist in at least one…right?