Posts Tagged ‘body parts’

I have a belly button. Only one. That’s the average amount. From listening in on other people’s conversations, the belly button happens when the umbilical cord is cut off after birth. It is not a place to store thumb tacks. Do not do that.

There are two different kinds of belly buttons. There’s the innie and the outtie. Normal people have innies. I am normal. Freaks of nature have outties. I could never imagine living a life with an outtie belly button. It’s like having a tiny penis coming out of your stomach. Or a misplaced finger. I’d feel the need to poke people with it. Strangers would come up to me and ask in which direction a certain street is. I would turn my torso and point with my outtie. I know I’d at least at one time use a clothes hanger on it. Maybe with a shirt attached. I haven’t thought about it enough. I would hate to have an outtie belly button and then have it break off. That has to be a weird feeling. Having an outtie all your life then losing it during a stunt. It’s probably a good thing that my belly button is concave and not protruding. I only have to worry about a bug or small mammal burrowing in there.

There are lots of things you can do with belly buttons. You can pierce your own belly button. These used to be popular in my middle and high school. Now everybody gained some weight. The belly button piercing popped out of their skin like a wine cork. I haven’t seen a girl with a belly button piercing in forever. I also don’t hang around criminals much. Usually a girl with a belly button piercing also has a record. And I’m not talking about the kind where they ate the most amount of cheese in under a minute. I mean the kind where police officers keep a manila folder with your name on it.

Another belly button activity is doing shots out of it. This is a good reason to have an innie. You can’t do a shot out of an outtie. What you do is you fill up a slutty girl’s belly button with your favorite liquor. Then you drink it out. It’s that simple. Be careful not to swallow any lint. It can be toxic. Almost as toxic as the personality of the girls who let strangers do this to them. I have never done a shot out of a belly button nor have I had someone do a shot out of mine. I prefer a glass for my beverages. I drink quickly and would have to keep refilling the belly button. It also seems messy. I don’t like spilling drinks. If you’re the kind of person who enjoys creating anarchy with your liquor then go for it. Drink your morning coffee out of a chick’s belly button. I think I just gave myself an idea for tomorrow.

The most famous belly button of all time belongs to the Pillsbury Dough Boy. For centuries he’s been poked in the stomach by fingers. He lets out a “Hmm Hmmm” laugh. We all know it. It’s a laugh that sounds like a person bound and gagged trying to scream for help. That’s probably where they got the sound effect from on the foley stage. They tied up a man, put duct tape over his mouth, and punched him in the stomach. The Pillsbury Dough Boy’s token laugh was really the sounds of agony.

When I was younger, I would always find sand in my belly button. Even when I hadn’t gone to the beach. I think I was just a dirty boy. It probably was dead skin, not sand. I find it so fascinating how overlooked belly buttons are in modern society. We don’t pay nearly enough attention to them. I’m sure in some culture belly buttons are a private part. Their pornography consists of images of stomachs. The deeper and wider the belly button, the sexier the person. It has to be possible. There are tribes out there who find women with gigantic plates in their lips sexy. Being turned on by a belly button isn’t all that weird.

We all have them. Unless you’re a machinist. They’re called fingers. Those little dingle dangle things coming out of your hands. A normal person has 10. 5 on each hand. I am normal. I have 10 fabulous fingers. Lets go over each of them because I don’t feel like making you think hard today.

The first finger on most people’s hands is the thumb. Some argue that the thumb is not a finger. I poke them in the eye with my thumb and they say “get that finger out of my face.” I win those arguments. As humans, we’re the only species with the opposable thumb. It helps us grip things. The thumb is also useful when telling someone who you liked a movie or if you’re a Roman emperor and want to see a gladiator killed. When the thumb is aimed up it is good. Down is bad. A sideways thumb means nothing. It probably should have some meaning. How about it means “you look good today.” We need more hand signals that are compliments. They all seem to mean fuck you. Lets do this. Lets start the sideways thumb.

Next on the hand is the index finger. Children call their index fingers pointers. It’s because they use their finger to do just that, point. I learned at a young age not to point. It’s impolite. I was at an Indian Reservation and the chaperone’s son pointed and said “Look, an Indian.” His mother slapped him and said “Don’t point. That’s not nice.” How else was I supposed to know where the savage was? I probably use my index finger more than any other. It’s perfect for poking and picking. Don’t forget scratching. I’m a very itchy person. If I had to cut off one finger, it wouldn’t be my index finger. I’d never be able to shush anybody anymore.

Then we get to everybody’s favorite finger, the middle finger. The big motherfucker of fingers. You lift up this one by itself and you’re starting up a storm of shit. I rarely flip people the bird. Mostly in the car or when their back is turned. On the school bus years ago, a kid who is now a professional baseball player put his two middle fingers up in the air and crossed them. His brother said “Don’t do that. That means fuck everybody.” He did it again. Moral of the story, athletes are douche bags who don’t care about any of us, even when they’re 5 years old.

The ring finger is quite possibly the strangest named finger. It’s like saying the name is irrelevant unless you have a ring on it. That’s kind of true too. It’s hard to move that finger by itself. I guess in a way it’s a second string middle finger. Sometimes people will flip others the ring finger. These people cannot fully commit to telling their enemy to go to hell.

Finally we get to the pinky. The biggest wimp of fingers. I don’t use my pinky for much. There are very few tiny spaces I need to slide a finger into. Ladies in olden days would lift up their pinky to show off how feminine they were. Rich people still do it while drinking tea. Pinkies are very relevant to surfers who do the “hang loose” symbol. Don’t let the name mislead you. Your pinky does not need to be pink. Mine isn’t. I did used to have a freckle near my one pinky that I thought for years was a poop stain. I’d watch my hands nonstop. Now I have asthma and eczema because of my clean living ways.

There are of course people out there with more fingers. I don’t know what the names of these fingers are called. I’m sure they do have one. How do those people shake hands? If I had 6 fingers I would try to get girls to think this gave me some magical talent to give them pleasure. Or I’d learn the piano. You can’t get too many girls by playing the piano so this is an either or situation. I won’t have to worry about that though because I don’t plan on growing a new finger any time soon.

Preface: I had written this previous to my last post that I made entitled Unknown Origins. I’d put a link here for it, but that was about 2 hours ago. I don’t think you’re that lazy or stupid to find it. I thought I’d post this to get it out of the way as they kind of go together. It’s another observation I have made about how WWII is depicted in film.

I started watching the HBO miniseries Band of Brothers recently. I’m not here to review it or anything. The only mention I want to make is that I managed to recognize that Endless Mike Helstrom from The Adventure of Pete & Pete plays one of the soldiers in it. I thought that was great. The arch nemesis of Big Pete grows up to become a war hero. All Big Pete has done with his life is have me thinking I saw him walking around at a gas station. Tall redheads look very similar.

One thing I noticed with the show is that everyone is dirty on it. Really dirty. Especially their hands. I never see people with hands that dirty in real life. What has changed?

I think dirty hands are gross like anybody else. I also think that doing much more than washing your hands is unnecessary. Germaphobes carry around wipes and different liquid hand sanitizers with them to avoid having dirty hands. I don’t know about this. Your hands don’t possible need to be that clean. Moses lived to be like 600 or something and that was without soap. Okay, maybe that’s a silly example. The guy lived on a boat with all those animals, no soap, no toilet paper, on a boat full of animal shit for 40 days and he didn’t get any disease. I buy it! To use a more realistic example, take anyone born pre-1930. Some of those people lived pretty long. They didn’t have swiffer sweepers, toilets, that liquid soap where you don’t need paper towels, dish soap, those doctors masks that Asians always wear while traveling, none of it! Yet they still managed to live a long time. Germs aren’t as powerful as you think.

I understand that there were a few WWII veterans that contracted viruses or infections due to how unclean the conditions were. Well, people in all jobs get infections. You can get an infection by shaking hands with a fellow employee. It’s amazing that every war veteran didn’t come back with an infection. People were made to have dirty hands. We spent time crawling on the ground and now we have evolved. Along with that has come an immunity to having dirty hands.

The difference between those WWII veterans and my generation is amazing. I don’t think I’ve ever met someone who could have been a soldier back then. We all need soft tissues and comfy pillows. We don’t leave the house unless our hair gel makes us look “messy.” Those guys back then didn’t give a shit about any of that. They just wanted to save the world after being attacked. They volunteered to go to war. After 9/11 happened, a lot of people did the same. Not nearly as much though. I don’t really know what the difference was. If anything, 9/11 hit so much closer to home. Times were different 60-70 years ago. I can’t imagine a situation where anyone I have ever met could become a war hero. We need to dirty up our hands a little bit. Become real men.

I still do think that it’s gross to not wash your hands after taking a leak. I see a lot men do this and I know women who don’t. That’s uncalled for. At least get the hands wet. Make an attempt to care for yourself. If you enjoy dirty hands so much then join the army. It’s a better reason than some kids who join because they just want to kill.