Posts Tagged ‘boners’

Two people have told me in my lifetime that I give off a strong sexual vibe. One person was drunk and the other I’m making up. I guess you could say though if someone gives off good enough sexual vibes then people wouldn’t be going up and telling them. To give off truly good vibes the people will become hypnotized. They will not even realize they are under your spell. So for argument’s sake, I am awesome at giving off sexual vibes. Today, I teach you on how to follow in my footsteps.

1) Straddling

I am always straddling things. By straddling I mean placing my feet on opposite sides of an item. These items include and are not limited to library catalogue drawers, dog poo, dead friends, a defeated enemy, or spilt food. Straddling something sends off the sexual vibe that you’re dominant and in charge. Try straddling on whatever you can for a day. If you do it right then girls will be so intimidated by your straddling that they will call you “the weird guy who humps everything.” You know you’ve made it into a girl’s heart once she has a nickname for you.

(A perfect straddling example. Legs are open, feet are firmly placed down, and the item she’s sitting on is phallic shaped. Too bad the cannon isn’t white)

2) Leg Flexibility

There was a part in the new Batman movie where Anne Hathaway gets off her motorcycle thing. Instead of clumsily rolling off like unsexy people would do, she carefully stretches her leg over top the front and brings her feet together. In olden days hip flexibility was seen as a sign you might be divine. Jesus did ass-to-grass squats every day of his life he has such great mobility. It doesn’t matter which way you bend your legs, as long as you’re twisting them around people will take notice. They’ll want to be strangled with your legs if you do this properly.

(A girl told me when Princess Diaries was popular that she liked Anne Hathaway because she would never be naked in a movie. I want to tell her to rent Love & Other Drugs. It made me a fan of hers)

3) Use Your Legs Like Arms

Similar to the above yet somewhat differently, the legs are very important to sending out sexual vibes. The legs are the largest sex organ we have. Of course someone reading this probably has abnormally large ears and is missing their legs so that person may skip over the sentence you just read. I use my legs to do a lot of things my hands could do. I open doors, close doors, move heavy objects, and punch with my legs. Some may argue punching with your legs is called a kick. I disagree. Kicking is what you do in sports. There are no sports involving punching.

(It’s not a punch, it’s a fist kick)

4) Play With Your Hair

You can use your hands or if your hair is long enough simply throw it back like you have a spider crawling along your scalp. Both men and women enjoy seeing members of the opposite sex touch their hair. I never got girls who were into men with shaved heads. Can’t they just date a newborn baby? At least a newborn baby won’t play video games all day long. I’m sure they would but they haven’t developed the motor skills yet. I always know a girl is feeling my vibes when she begins playing with her hair. Sometimes she begins to chew it and that’s when I know to back off.

(She’s clearly way too young to be playing with her hair. Wait a few more years sweetheart. Don’t pretend you’re Abe Lincoln when you do it)

5) Point With Your Crotch

The other day a man asked me for directions to the children’s hospital as his son sat in the backseat bleeding out the ears. Instead of pointing which way to go like a cold fish, I thrusted my hips westward. I pointed with my crotch. This is very simple logic. Go to the mall and point at someone ugly. Suddenly everyone in the mall will see you pointing. Their focus will go onto what you’re pointing at and what is doing the pointing. If you point with your crotch then your crotch begins to get some attention. Men should always walk with their hips forward. This is something I have read from pick-up artists. I think it has something to do with how you will probably bump into a lot of people and if you’re going to bump into them you mine as well grind against them when you do. The next time someone asks you where the fire is, be sure to point with your crotch. You might get a cute fireman’s phone number out of it.

(The Pope points with his finger and I point with my crotch. Who do you think gets more chicks? Whose advice are you going to take? His? You’re just feeling guilty today is all)

What are some other things we can do to send off a sexual vibe? Don’t say rape. That’s behaving too forward.

Why do men leave the house? To pick up as many chicks as they can. We’re very simple creatures. I fancy myself an expert at picking up chicks. One time a Mermaid fell so deeply in love with me she began to crawl along the beach just to touch my face. She ended up drying up and dying only a few feet away. In a way I charmed a fish out of the fish bowl. I love that phrase. You’re so charming that an animal without many emotions will kill itself to be near you. I wish I could one day be so charming people kill themselves over it.

The problem with picking up chicks is a lot of guys do it so unnaturally. They come up with corny pickup lines like “Are you an astronaut? Because you look like Neil Armstrong” or “Did it hurt?” which elicits the response “Did what hurt?” and then the guy follows up with twisting her nipples and tells her he’s a psychic who saw it coming. Girls like guys who can see into the future. Nostradamus was a major pimp. What Nostradamus did correctly though was he got an actual job where he could be himself and the chicks would follow. That’s what today’s post is about. Jobs for guys to take in order to meet the girl they’ve been waiting for their entire lives/evenings.

(Seriously, tell me this guy couldn’t be a pimp. All he needs is a feather in his cap)

1) Bartender

This one is very obvious. Drunk girls will sleep with anyone. I saw a drunk girl the other night having sex with a tree. I guess the tree was tall, dark, and handsome. Some of the bark on its base looked like George Clooney’s face. I think at every point in his life every guy has thought about becoming a bartender. Women have to talk to you in order to forget what shitty adults they have become. Without you they cannot get their booze. The only thing stopping me from becoming a bartender is all the drinks I would have to memorize and I cannot smile at ugly people. Have you been to a bar lately? It’s an ugly person’s lair.

2) Animal Shelter

Chicks love animals. Would you believe some girls love animals so much they never eat them? I know, bonkers. Even if you have a penis and you don’t eat animals I consider you a chick. Tofu should be the name of an African dictator, not something we eat. I know if I ever get desperate enough where I would need to meet women I can always volunteer at an animal shelter. It’s perfect. Animals love me, girls will see how good I am with the animals, and then we do something filthy near a malnourished cat on its death-bed.

(Sorry little kitty, I’ll get you your medicine as soon as this chick finishes taking hers, if you know what I’m sayin’)

3) Musician

Anyone who knows how to play the guitar and doesn’t get laid 60 times a day is an idiot. Girls love any guy who can play the guitar. Do you know why? Because she doesn’t have to interact with him. She can sit there, nod, and smile pretending she enjoys his dark poetic pain. For me, someone without any musical talent, I tell girls I’m the lead singer in the band. They tell me to belt out some lyrics and I remind them I have to save my voice for the big show. They nod and smile because girls who obsess over musicians are idiots too.

4) Gay Rights Supporter

You’ll probably need a real job like doctor or guy who steps in front of traffic in order to pull this one off. Hanging out around gay people will surely help you meet some single ladies. Any girl who is obsessive with gay rights is either a lesbian herself or is trying to make up for the fact how much men find them repulsive. This gives you a great opportunity to sweep in and steal these feminists off their do-gooding feet. Not only will these girls think you’re tolerant to others, you’ll also have very little competition. A straight guy hanging out in a gay is a lock to go home with a girl or at least have a chubby one nag him all night about American equality.

5) Anything Famous

Become famous and girls will bend themselves into whatever position you demand them to get into. I understand it. I would love to bang someone famous. I could see Yahoo articles about them and think about how we shared those amazing 40 seconds pressed against the sink together until I let out my fart ruining the mood. Athletes, movie stars, and even high-profile murderers have women flocking to them at all hours of the day. I’m almost tempted to go on a killing spree just to see how many women propose to me. I can barely throw a spiral and my acting leaves much to be desired. If I ever want to become famous it will have to involve bloodshed. Or I could do something really good for a lot of people. Sounds hard.

(Mark David Chapman, John Lennon’s killer. Ringo’s still alive isn’t he? Hmm I think I have an idea to get some chicks)

Let me know if you know of anything else. As for girls on picking up guys, sit outside for five minutes in a place with high foot traffic. If nobody even looks your way start searching for a child murderer to marry. It’s the best you may ever get.

In other words, these are not jobs appearing here.