Posts Tagged ‘britney spears’

People still go to Britney Spears concerts. I know, shocking. Britney Spears first fell onto my radar in 4th grade. A boy who was obsessed with Tara Lipinski said that if he could have a threesome it would be with both of them. I saw his dad chase him with a lawn mower one time. I don’t know how his life turned out. He moved the next year. I like to think that he has grown out of loving Britney Spears like the rest of us should.

It’s strange that lip-synchers who were popular 10-15 years ago can still be popular today. Didn’t 9/11 teach us anything? We need to move forward and not dwell on the past. I mean, I love old music. New music blows. But Britney Spears? She was never good. Hot, yes. In her prime there was no one better. Then she turned 18 and yuck. She’s a crazy mess.

As much as I enjoy old music, I wouldn’t go see an old band in concert. Fans who still go to see the Rolling Stones aren’t going for their new duds. They go for the old hits. The relive the memories. That’s fine. At least they really do sing and actually play their instruments. Britney Spears is a dancer who got fat. How does a dancer get fat? By not doing their job well enough. I don’t dance much, but when I do, I sweat. I sweat so much that nobody wants to dance with me. I ruin the vibe and the club shuts down due to poor business. Really, I would never dance at a club. I might look fine until one Spanish guy shows up and can roll his tongue and shake his hips to the beat. I also don’t like fedoras. I think it’s because I was ripped off by a paper boy in a past life.


I hope that one day I can be famous and talented for two years. Then I want to have a nervous breakdown and get really fat and gross looking. After some rehab, I’d like to come back and do the same shit that I used to do. I want everyone to be able to admit that I suck and will never be as good as I used to be. Fans will flock to see me anyway. Evolution takes millions of years. 15 down, 999,985 to go before people stop paying attention to washed up pop singers.

“Crack that whip!” – Devo and Sojourner Truth’s cruel master