Posts Tagged ‘business’

Not to be confused with the Minnesota Punk Band (that’s an oxymoron) or the Keanu Reeves classic film about a bunch of scab football players. There is no relation to those at all. Instead this is about businesses and the replacements that come after they go bankrupt. I know, that sounds a lot less exciting than Keanu “Charisma” Reeves.

(Enormous means not?)

I’ve lived in my current location for almost 2 years now. It’s not a bad area. A few too many shootings and robberies than I would like. It’s not a very wealthy town. I think all of the money goes into the police force which by looking at the blotter, has close to 30 officers. That might not seem like much, but I remember reading that the town is 4 square miles. That’s not very much. I could kick a soccer ball from one end to the other and I have weak feet.

Driving around the area when I first moved here, I noticed there were quite a few empty parking lots. Huge ones too. Like they put a nature reserve or a bunch of strip malls there. Usually these parking lots contain stores whose letters have since fallen off. Unless there was a place called B Space Space Space L E Space S that exist at one point. I’ve seen the police use these parking lots for some sort of practice. They had cones up and police cars in there. Maybe some sort of polo game but instead of horses they use police cars.

One thing I have noticed recently is that a lot of businesses have gone out of business. The Harrison School of business has a “For Sale” sign in the window. That isn’t very good business. I’ve never even heard of the Harrison School of Business. That’s bad advertising. And isn’t that the first step to creating a good business? By having good advertising? It’s no wonder this crappy school had to close down. They were next to a buffet. You give poor people an option to go back to school or eat as many crab legs as they want, they’re going to go with the crab legs every time. Can you blame them? Crab legs are the perfect food. They’re delicious, nutritious, and take effort to eat. You don’t feel guilty eating so many and then getting three more plates full of fried beef due to all the exercise you got just from opening up the legs. Crab legs are perfection.

(Business School Owner/Archeologist Harrison Ford)

Down the street from the worst business school in history (maybe this is a lesson they’re giving their students on what not to do?) is a bank that has turned into a BBQ joint. I never noticed the bank there. Banks kind of blend in which is weird because you’d think money would stand out. The architecture of the bank is still very obvious. There’s probably still an ATM on the side of the building. And bullet holes in the walls. I’d only ever eat here to see how much of the bank still remains. They could easily have held onto those snazzy pull-cord-felt-line-bars (I have no idea what those are called, I’ve never worked in a movie theater). It’s sad to see yet another bank go out of business and be replaced with a BBQ joint. How do you pay for your barbecue if you ain’t got no cash?

The biggest replacement that I have come across belonged to a Christian Worship Center. It was next to a Big Lots, so you know God wasn’t on their side. If you don’t know what a Big Lots is, it’s a Dollar Store but they have things that are more than a dollar. If you don’t know what a Dollar Store is, you’re probably fascinated that some people could be so incredibly poor that they have to shop at a place where everything costs a dollar. It’s pretty amazing. The Christian Worship Center has now gone out of business. I guess they spent all of their money on converting natives and habits for the nuns, whether it be the outfit or the addictive kind I am not sure. Invading the old center of worship is a place called Bottom Dollar Food. I’ve never heard of this business. Perhaps they went to the same advertising school as the Harrison School of Business. But the company name says it all. They sell food at bottom dollar. Cheap food because people in the area are poor. Proof that God cannot feed anyone. You can pray all you want, but eventually a place that sells unknown meats for a “bottom dollar” price will replace you. Because that’s what people need more than anything. Cheap food. Not false promises.

(Officially better than eternal salvation)

Every new replacement that comes in is never as good as the old. There used to be a fun place called Discovery Zone which was basically like a better Chuck E. Cheese years ago in my hometown. Now it’s a Party City. Or maybe it’s an Ace Hardware now. Either way, it’s not a fun place that it once was. There was a large bank that turned into a night club. That sounds fun until someone got shot there. So, maybe it’s the people who ruin all of the fun. Maybe we don’t really want fun things like business schools, banks, and worship centers. We want cheap food.

I will be on full alert for more stores being replaced. In these tough economic times (I’m not sure what consists as a tough economic time, but people seem to blame that on everything that goes wrong) more and more places will be going out of business and have to forfeit over their properties. It’s sad in a way. I don’t remember the last time I was driving around and spotted a place that I wanted to check out. Fun no longer exists. It’s been replaced by a cheap alternative called food.

I used to have business cards. A friend of mine made them for me. I only handed out two of them. One was to a girl who I’m pretty sure was trying to rob me. She was way too nice and called me 5 minutes after I handed her the card. I don’t remember what she said and the fact that I never heard from me again, one can only assume that she was screaming for help. I’ve always wondered what happens to those girls whom I communicate with and just seem to disappear. I have a feeling that there’s a mass grave of girls that have met me with my business card in each of their pockets.

Only two people should ever have business cards. People trying to network with a legitimate skill to offer and people looking to win contests at restaurants. Restaurants always seem to be collecting business cards in their little fish bowls. I used to put my dad’s business cards I them and he would never win. This sounds like a scam to me. They probably stole his identity. He’ll end up in that mass grave someday, but until then I’ll continue trying to win him a free slice of pizza.

It’s been a while since I’ve been handed a business card. My garbage can misses them. That’s where they always end up. Right between religious pamphlets and the plate I ate dinner off of. That’s what I think of your entrepreneurship.