Posts Tagged ‘call of duty’

“He said he’s been playing Call of Duty and drinking with this girl and she’s slept over three times but he hasn’t had sex with her because ‘he doesn’t know if she’s in the mood’ so he wants to know how to tell when she’s in the mood haha”

This was a text message that was sent to me. It’s like many other text messages only this text message is mine. The circumstances surrounding the text though are what I want to tell you about. At first this may seem like any average text. I assure you, it’s the most pathetic thing I have ever read and I’ve read your blogs. Joking. No I’m not. Some of you I’m not.

Like most stories this one starts off with a girl dating a boy. There are other stories like a gross one where a boy dates a boy or really hot stories were a girl dates a girl. It’s a double standard. The boy and the girl date for about a year. At first it’s fine and then the boy starts dressing in women’s clothing and cries all the time. The boy is also incredibly unfunny, stupid, and looks like Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts. I just wanted to make it clear here that this boy isn’t me.


(See, Donkey Lips looks nothing like me. I never wear solid colored shirts either. When you wear a solid colored shirt it’s easier for people to notice everything that’s wrong with your body. Just a little tip)

The girl eventually breaks up with the boy. More than three years go by and every so often the boy will text the girl and say things like “We should smoke a blunt together” or “Your dad invited me over last night and we smoked or a blunt together” or “I’m a big fat cross-dresser.” The girl humors him by responding even though she knows she shouldn’t. All she’s doing is giving him hope that one day they will get back together even though that would be impossible, she respects herself now.

lady gaga

(Vinny Hutchinson better known by his stage name “Lady Gaga” is a successful cross-dresser and even he has trouble getting respect sometimes)

A day comes along when the girl receives a text message from the boy. He says he needs some advice, the same advice and situation mentioned at the beginning of this piece about how he’s invited a girl over to play video games with him and he’s not sure how to have sex with her. More than three years after their relationship has ended, they haven’t maintained a friendship at all, and he has no one to turn to other than her to ask about how to get a girl into bed. Pathetic? I think so.

My own personal advice to this guy is the following, don’t ask ex-girlfriends who hate your guts for advice on anything other than noose tying. Why would she ever want you to get laid? You’re her ex-boyfriend whom she never wants to talk to again. Ask, I don’t know, a male friend for some advice on this topic?

If you really want to know when she’s in the mood you’ll know it when she asks to do something other than play a video game that involves shooting other human beings. She’s using you for alcohol and you’re only in her life because you exist and something better has not come around yet. She has slept over because you were both probably too drunk to get her home and she values her life more than she values sleeping with you. When will she be in the mood? Hopefully never. You give her minimal entertainment and you will forever roll over and give her whatever booze she wants. She has gotten from you what she wanted. Why do something so disgusting as to let you take your girl panties off in front of her?


(I know girls like playing some video games but not first person shooters. This girl probably has a horse face or is a burn victim. Maybe even a big erection in the front of her panties)

Oddly enough, I have never met the guy in this story yet the venom is clear anyway. I don’t like guys who are such wimps. There’s nothing wrong with asking for help or advice. Just be a little smarter and not ask someone who told me you like dressing up as a woman for this help.

Some say the most important thing you can give another person is your virginity. I argue the most important thing you can give a person is whatever the newest version of Call of Duty is. Is that game still popular? The last video game I played was Madden 2004. I’m not exactly up to date on what the latest trends are in the video game world and in order to stay in the loop I usually go up to a dirty looking kid at the mall and ask him why he’s there. Usually it’s to buy the latest video game when it’s not to look at the smut at Spencer’s. The second most important thing you can give a person after a cool video game is time. Time is something we can never get back. Everything else is replaceable but time happens once.

Spending time with someone can always cheer them up if they don’t hate you. Old people are real big on this. They don’t care what you do as long as you’re present there with them. That’s how I know I’m not completely old yet. I don’t need to be present with someone to feel like they’re giving me time. Simply knowing someone is thinking about me satisfies me enough. Some couples are like this. I never believe someone when they say “It doesn’t matter what we do, I just like being near you.” I don’t even like being near me. You’re a liar. You really don’t care what we do? Okay, sit in the corner and face the wall while I watch a movie. We’re still together so you should feel as if I’m giving you the time you need.

(An ex-girlfriend of mine)

The thing about time that bugs me though is we give more time to people we don’t even know. We’ll spend more time listening to popular music recorded by some dead idiots than we will listening to our friend’s CD once. This seems really shitty to me. For instance, everyone I know will spend more time today reading other websites than checking out my blog. What the heck? I take this as their way of saying “Perez Hilton’s opinions and emotions are more important to me than the opinions of someone I know and can influence.” I go back to the waste of space friend I had who always made excuses why he couldn’t go into NYC to see one of my standup shows yet the following weekend he managed to go see the stupid wax museum. He was willing to spend more time staring at wax statues than making a friend of his feel loved. I have no regrets telling those bullies where he lived.

(A young Beyonce with a wax version of herself. They could be sisters! And by sisters I mean two black chicks, not actually related)

I always make sure I give people time whenever they ask for it. It’s become an important thing to me. A lot of us get caught up in how much time we have left to accomplish something then get frustrated because we don’t think it’s very much. There’s always time for everything though. Nobody is that busy. If you watch television you are not a busy person. If you go out drinking you are not a busy person. If you wipe yourself after a poo you are not a busy person. These are all luxury potential time wasters. The time we spend doing things to kill our minds, bodies, or cleaning our asses could be spent doing something so much more valuable.

The biggest problem people have with time is managing it. I’m fabulous at managing time. I have come to the conclusion that having time is the most incredibly valuable thing I can give myself. I could work more but then I’d have less time to enjoy life. There are so many things I want to do in life that I’m almost hoping I do run out of time to do them all. What happens after I do everything I want to do? I rot away until I die? It’s impossible to time things perfectly where your plane crashes right after doing everything you have to do in life. You should want to die with unfinished business. It sends a good message to everyone else how there is no time to waste and that you made good use of what time you had and could have used more.

(Mark Twain died before finishing a lot he had planned on accomplishing. The most important thing he never got a chance to get around to was learning racial tolerance)

Thanks for taking the time to read this. Unless of course you only read the first and last paragraph. If you did that here then you have a lot of extra time now to do something else. I hope you make the best of it you bastard.