Posts Tagged ‘cannibalism’

apocalypse_2024

 

As those grim commercials about old people coffins might say, “It’s never too late to plan for your future.” And that’s exactly what this is. I have set my goals for 2014. Now it’s time for me to set my goals for 2024.

-Win Jennifer Lawrence back. I figure divorce will be really common in 10 years and J-Law and me will have a few of them. I’m pretty sure we’ll marry at least half a dozen times and end up together. It may surprise you that I don’t plan to marry Malin Akerman. She has fallen ill in my eyes ever since she had a baby. She will also be gross and in her 40s in 10 years.

-Don’t get eaten by my neighbor. Cannibalism Holocausts are just one week of a food shortage away from happening. Have you been to the grocery section at Walmart recently? They never have anything good. The end is near.

-Set the new home run record. I’m predicting I will get hit by a car at some point. After reconstructive surgery I will be built with the best parts of every baseball player. I will have Mark McGwire’s forearms, Barry Bonds’s swing, Sammy Sosa’s English (it will help to avoid interviews), and Rafael Palmeiro’s erect penis. I think I’ll hit somewhere around 180.

-Destroy all machines/electronic devices I own. This will have nothing to do with a machine uprising. This will be more about a cry for help.

-Go a month without getting carded at the bar. Imagine how young I would feel to be nearing 40 and have no one card me at the bar! Of course, bars will be run by robots then and since 90% of the population was killed by a meteor, the drinking age will be 7. It’s only at 7 because that is the age all children are required to kill a person to earn adulthood.

-Travel more. I’ll probably visit Jupiter or maybe I’ll go to the post office like I promised myself I would 10 years earlier.

-Register to vote. I am nor was I ever a registered voter. Can you be one and then cancel? That seems so permanent. I would like to register in 2024 though because Hitler III is running for Czar of America and I want to vote for him. He’s not as evil as his granddad. America also has Czars because everything is very retro to Russian culture.

-Finish the first season of Orange is the New Black. Nah. It wasn’t very good.

-See a woman naked. I don’t want the first woman I see naked to be a picture on the computer. I’m realistic. I probably will never see a woman naked until 2024. I also do not count seeing someone run naked after a nuclear reactor blows and the clothing is burned off them. That happens in 2017 a lot.

-Be a better person. Since it’s 2024, all I have to do is pay the government and they will give me a certificate that says I am a better person. The future is easy.

What are your 2024 goals?

The third stage of death is bargaining. I’m not sure I could write an entire blog post dedicated to bargaining. I am pretty darn talented, but I find approximately 1,000 words about bargaining to be a tad dry. Since I titled this “bargaining chips” I have decided to write about snack foods like chips for instance. Hey, it was either that or writing about poker chips. Writing about poker means all I do is tell you the story how I fooled some friends into thinking I had no clue how to play and how I won $40 because of it. It’s pretty boring and I think the kid I ripped off is dead now. I really don’t feel like being haunted.

Potato Chips: These tasty treats are made from potatoes. From my understanding they are like French fries but flat. I haven’t had potato chips in a while. I might be slightly wrong. Several flavors of potato chips are made. Popular ones are ketchup, barbecue, pickle, salt and vinegar, and vinegar and salt for stubborn dyslexics. The best thing about potato chips is how salty and crunchy they are. I swear, you put salt on a tire and it would be delicious. I could probably eat an entire family sized pack anytime anywhere. I won’t though. I won’t even buy chips to keep in my home. I know all this will lead to is a 2 AM feast with a 5 AM crying session on the toilet trying to poop it all out.

(My favorite brand of potato chips, Nino. Made from real Spanish children)

French Fries: The more stick shaped version of the potato chip. Also a little softer. Think in terms that a potato chip is like an adult’s skull and a French fry is like a baby’s. French fries are more for people who enjoy a warm snack food. In my lifetime I have eaten a lot of French fries. I qualify things like potato wedges as French fries. They are close enough. For a while after 9/11 Americans called them Freedom Fries. At least in my middle school they did. My principal’s wife cheated on him and her name was Rene so I think this was more of a personal attack on her than it was pride for his country.

(In the yearbook our principal dedicated his letter to the students to “Le Whore.” There was a lot of swearing. He lives in a mental institution now. Women are cruel)

Cheese Doodles: The messiest food out there. Be warned, do not eat these if you have a cut on your hand. Your cut will not only hurt from the cheese particles that enter, you will also look like you gave a carrot an ungloved prostate exam. One year for Christmas the only thing I asked for was a giant container of cheese balls. These are cheese doodles in ball form. What’s great about them is you can roll them on your plate, down your tongue, then through your clogged small intestine from all the fattening foods you digest. I got that giant container. My pediatrician warned salty snacks were the reason before my excessive weight gain. He was Middle Easter so I think he was just jealous that our winter holiday involved great foods while his involved going on a hunger strike.

(He won’t be so happy on day 2 when he wants lunch and has to wait 5 more hours for it)

Mozzarella Sticks: I used to eat mozzarella sticks every other day for lunch. Not because I was limiting myself. I would just go through an entire box at once and my parents couldn’t get to the store every day to feed me. What makes a mozzarella stick great is the cheese inside. I like a somewhat hollow center. Then when the cheese hits your tongue it’s indescribable. I would describe it as tasty. So I guess the taste is describable. I am a liar.

(Lindsay Lohan is kind of like a mozzarella stick. Her blonde her is the overflowing cheese. Her fake overtanned skin is like the crispy outside. Both are also hollow inside. At least mozzarella sticks have souls)

Pretzels: I always felt bad for pretzels. Nobody who has tasted other chips would pick pretzels first. They’re a healthier alternative as they are much lower in fat. I like pretzels and it’s not just a pity thing either. My favorites are this one kind I cannot identify other than by their packaging. This is a problem when shopping in a new place and trying to ask for help. Of course the best part about pretzels is getting to the end. You’ve got an entire bag filled with little salt crystals. Pour it down your mouth. Snort it up your nose. It’s good to get salt in your nose. It helps your sinuses. Pretzels have actually helped me with headaches before. Or maybe I’m a fat drama queen.

(I never thought about it before but maybe I can save calories by snorting the salt straight up my nose. This man is a genius)

Blue Chips: Butthead from Beavis and Butthead summed up those blue chip things the best. “They better not have any of those lame blue chips. Those suck.” I agree Butthead. I think these have lost their luster a bit. I blame Oprah for making them popular. Are they really any better than regular nachos for your body? I doubt it. People who eat blue chips are never in great shape. They’re always women who for some reason you never see eat yet they always maintain a consistent weight. Don’t waste your time with blue chips. Live a little and get a thing of greasy Pringles.

(Not exactly sure what this has to do with snack foods. I’m mostly shocked more people aren’t talking about this cinematic masterpiece)

Crackers: I consider crackers to be very hit and miss. Some are incredibly boring. Others make you want to sell your soul for more. I don’t like plain crackers. Especially not the ones I associate with barfing. Crackers were my go-to food whenever I had a tummy ache. I would eat crackers and drink Ginger Ale. Speaking of which, I really want to go up to a redhead and say “My stomach hurts, I think I need to eat some Ginger” and see if she finds my vulgar advances charming. Probably not. The only thing redheaded girls ever find charming is someone who does not gasp at their David Caruso vagina hairs.

(“Looks like my curtain matches your drapes” is what David Caruso says when disrobing a fellow redhead. Then The Who plays and they have gross Ginger on Ginger sex)

If we determined anything today it is that I am addicted to salt. Looks like my last meal before the end of the world is going to be a spoonful of pure iodine. No wonder I am always incredibly bloated.