Posts Tagged ‘celebrities’

I talk a lot about chicks on this blog because I’m a guy. I think chicks, I bleed football, and I brush my teeth with beer. My taste in women is as varied as my taste in rocking chairs. Sometimes there are traditionally hot women I’ll like and other times they are more average. I also judge so much in my attraction in the personality or what I assume their personality is like. Sometimes there are women who I’m really attracted to and I can’t figure out why.

Judy Greer:

judy-greer-picture-40

I’m not sure what it is about Judy Greer I like so much. She’s so not my type. I mean, for one she’s much older and has a similar face to Phoebe from Friends. Her face comes to a weird triangular point. I think what I like about Ms. Greer (unless she’s married to former Texas Rangers outfielder Rusty Greer) is her sense of humor. In both Arrested Development and her cartoon character in Archer, she plays crazy and sexual women. I think what this means is that Judy Greer is a little nutty, but not to the point where she’s exactly like these character. I don’t know what it is. I still want to have Judy Greer’s babies.

Lake Bell:

lake-bell-sexy-4

When I first started watching Children’s Hospital I always thought Lake Bell was weird looking. Then I saw her in something other than hospital scrubs and I realized why she could be considered hot. Wow. Look at that chest. She must have back problems. I don’t want to say her face always looked a little too “Jewish” for me because that sounds racist and I actually do like Jewish girls. I’m pretty sure a lot of this has to do with her boobs and the fact I know she has a good sense of humor. I know this because I’ve listened to her phone calls.

Uma Thurman:

Uma-Thurman

Uma Thurman and I could never date. She’s much richer than me and I think she’s taller. She’d probably feel like I couldn’t protect her, especially since she probably can somewhat fight from being in Kill Bill. I couldn’t even say Uma Thurman is so much pretty as much as it is I like her insanity. She’s hung out with Quentin Tarantino so much it’s messed with her head. She seems like the kind of woman I could have a nice serious conversation with. Of course, the best part of this conversation would be when we both shut the fuck up and enjoy the uncomfortable silence.

Of Monsters and Men Girl:

nanna bryndis

I don’t care to learn her name. Why should I? It’s not like my alphabet probably uses her letters. She’s from Iceland and they put random circles at the top of A’s. She’s definitely cute and not a pig by any standards. It’s her hair that bugs me I guess. She goes with that shaving one half of her head and letting the rest flop over look. I’m sure this has a trendy name and I don’t care to learn that either.

Anne Hathaway (Sometimes):

anne_hathaway_3

I only like Anne Hathaway sometimes. You know, like in Princess Diaries. I’m kidding. I’m sure she was 18 in those movies anyway so it takes away from the joke. I hate when Anne Hathaway has this short hair thing going. What’s up with that? She looks like a little boy. Please Anne, grow your hair out. People only tell you that you look cute with that haircut because saying the word “cute” helps suck vomit back down.

Kirsten Dunst:

kirsten dunst

She actually somehow has a reputation for being ugly. Really? I always thought she was kind of cute. From the moment I saw her in Bring it On (you know, the previews, not the actual movie…) until I finally got to see her nude in Melancholia, I’ve always thought Kirsten Dunst was a pretty lady. She was also the best Mary Jane out there. Remember the wet t-shirt? Of course you don’t. You’re too busy watching Robert Downey Jr. in an iron suit you bad-taste-in-movies-haver.

Pink:

pink-singer

Pink scares the shit out of me. Despite this fact, I’ve always enjoyed staring at her. She’s lucky we don’t live in the same town because if I saw her walking I’d probably keep staring. Obviously she’d like the attention. Why else would she dye her hair pink? To match her name? I don’t think that’s even her real name. I read somewhere her real name is David Hummerflitz.

Lady Gaga (Once in a Fleeting Glimpse):

dog-wearing-lipstick

It was very fleeting and she had on a lot of makeup, it was black and white, and I didn’t have to hear her voice. Please, continue pretending to respect me.

Jackie that works at Wawa:

JACKIE KENNEDY

There was this girl named Jackie that worked at a Wawa I used to go to. I saw her like four times and thought she was so hot. I finally had the courage to talk to her and she told me that “No, nobody ever has died here. At least not while I was working.” Then one day I saw her and she didn’t look quite as pretty. I found her on Facebook and she looked even worse. She looked like an uglier Miranda Cosgrove. I think what I liked most about Jackie was her pants. Don’t even ask me to get into what I mean by this. You had to be there to appreciate it.

Are there any people who you are attracted to and you’re not really sure why?

Today I am going to make two bold declarations. I have no basis other than simple observations I have made. I’m probably completely wrong but so what? If these two things ever do come out I can brag that I was one of the first to openly blog about it. Imagine the hits this blog will get. People will swear I’m some fortune-teller who knows all. I’m not. In fact I can’t find my computer charger. Let’s type this as quickly as I can before this baby dies. There were probably better things to say than baby dies. Sorry to all the dead babies out there for offending you.

Bold Declaration #1

Barack Obama is an Atheist

obama_liturgy

(He looks incredibly uncomfortable in this church attire. I’m not sure what it’s called exactly but it looks like a mix between a hazmat suite and an over-sized state trooper uniform. Notice how he’s waving with his left hand. Certainly the mark of the beast)

I’ve said this before and I’m going to finally actually put it in a blog post. This guy comes off completely like a man who doesn’t believe in God. There’s nothing wrong with that. Jesse “The Body” Ventura is an Atheist too and he was a great politician. As “The Body” said while being interviewed by Opie and Anthony several years ago “I could never become president because I’m out as an Atheist.” This is very true. Enough people would not vote an Atheist into office.

There are many reasons why an open Atheist will not become president any time soon. The first is that religion is such an important factor in so many voters’ lives. They don’t want to vote someone into office who completely poo-poos their Sundays. The other big reason is because Atheists tend to talk about nothing other than being Atheists. It can get a little annoying at times. Atheists can be like girls and everything. Girls love talking about themselves to an annoying degree. Atheists like to talk about how smart they are for not believing anything. Simply put, Atheists can be really annoying.

What makes me think Obama is an Atheist is the way he behaves whenever religion is brought up. He doesn’t seem genuine when he says the word “God.” He seems to be a man who cares more about the here and now rather than the afterlife. Most of all I think he’s an Atheist because I think it would be a fantastic twist on the whole “Obama is a Muslim” saga. If he’s an Atheist then everybody is wrong except for me which would be great to be national news for once.

Bold Declaration #2

Quentin Tarantino is gay

quentin tarantino gay

(I honestly can’t imagine him saying anything here other than “Ahoy there sailors!” with a heavy lisp. He’s also standing between two balls)

I actually have some facts to back this one up. Not really, but sort of. In the same way the singer from Judas Priest had to wait a while to come out, Tarantino has to cover up his lust for man-ass. Tarantino’s target audience tends to be younger males who tend to be the most homophobic. That’s not to say your grandpa isn’t but he’s also too deaf to enjoy movies anymore so let’s leave him out.

Tarantino has been romantically linked to several film stars and now at 49 is still unmarried. My uncle is a bit older and unmarried. He’s only ever been romantically linked to teenage girls. This doesn’t necessarily make Tarantino gay, he might just have a smelly balls that he’s embarrassed to share. Tarantino simply cannot come out as gay quite yet because it will hurt his popularity no matter how accepting most of his fans would be. The guy resurrected (or should I say erected) John Travolta’s career. John Travolta of course being the owner of the largest closet in the world to hide in.

My biggest reason though for making this bold declaration is I met someone who looks like and behaves similarly to him. This kid is flaming. You could toast a marshmallow or warm a homeless family off his lisp. The kid is also a huge film nerd and has the same square butt chin as Tarantino. This kid claims to be straight but he clearly isn’t. There’s nothing wrong with being gay and it’s fine if Tarantino stays in the closet forever, it’s his life. 20 years from now I just want you to be sitting in a prison watching a television where either of these two things come out as being true. I want you to think to yourself “Wow, Mooselicker was so smart” then go back to serving your 7 consecutive life sentences. Yes, I hope you end up in prison. Not that I hate you or anything. I just need some connections on the inside is all.

Make a bold declaration of your own. I’ll pretend to agree then laugh about how stupid you are because you’ll be in prison soon anyway.

I would like to apologize to those of you who are here for pictures of actor Ken Watanabe. It’s not my fault his name is so similar to the word Wannabe. That’s his ancestor’s fault. Blame those dead Asians. Are you really that low that you will not only insult a dead person but also an Asian person? For shame. His ancestors were probably great samurai warriors. They prided themselves in honor. You have disgraced them with your anger. Learn to read stupid.

Sometimes I’ll lie in bed at night and think “I am me. Everything I do is something that I am doing. I have complete control over every idea and action I make.” This usually freaks me out a little bit. I think, therefore I am. It’s so simple yet so creepy to believe. I don’t always want to be myself though. Sometimes I want to be other people. Okay, most of the time I want to be other people. I wouldn’t tell them that though. Then they might get big-headed and end up like me. And then I’d just be me again. Thank goodness Being John Malkovich was fiction.

The first person that I wish I was is The Joker. Yes, the Batman villain. I don’t know what it is. I love The Joker. He’s so confident. Even when he tells a bad joke he sells it with a maniacal laugh. The Heath Ledger Joker was so awesome that I actually considered cutting my lips to have the same smile. I’ve mentioned before that two people told me I looked like Heath Ledger before. I hope I also mentioned that I don’t. What I think they really meant was that I looked like The Joker. My hair was messy and my face was pale. I also probably had way too much makeup on. Not looking like The Joker doesn’t stop me from wanting to be him. He’s so incredibly awesome. I wonder though, what does he do in his down time? Does The Joker watch television? He has to buy underwear. Everybody buys underwear! What is the process that The Joker goes through to purchase his underwear? Does he go into Kohl’s and everyone looks around and says “Ut oh, The Joker’s back” or does his presence go unnoticed? He can’t always be “on.” He’d be dead by now if he was. Nobody likes someone who is always the jokester. Even a clown needs to cry.

(What does The Joker eat for breakfast? I’m really curious to know. He poops just like everyone else. The book said so!)

Since becoming The Joker would be too dangerous and violent I need to find someone in real life I would want to be. God this is hard. I could pick any porn star in the world. But I don’t know if I could deal with working with a fluffer all day long. I hear they ask lots of fan boy questions. Here’s some fluffer humor for you. Do you know why I didn’t become a fluffer? Because it’s a very “hard” job. If you don’t get that then you have a better shot at going to Heaven than I do.

I would definitely be a professional athlete. Hands down that is who I want to be. Okay I’ve figured that out. But who? I know. Derek Jeter. Even my girlfriend knows who he is and she calls the visiting team “the bad guys.” Derek Jeter gets more women than anyone. I met Derek Jeter one time and I could tell he felt intimidated by my presence. His girlfriend was checking me out and gave me her phone number. Actually none of that happened. He signed my baseball card then hid behind a large black man. Derek Jeter is very pretty. I definitely would be a pretty man if I could. He makes about 16 million a year I think and he’s a .260 hitter with no range at short stop. He has so much money and so many women and he’s a real guy. Derek Jeter is who I want to be. There’s nothing horrible about his life. The only downside is that he has to drink Gatorade. Eek. I don’t like Gatorade. Maybe Derek Jeter’s life isn’t as great as I thought. Yeah, never mind. It’s not worth it. I’d rather be someone else.

(Derek Jeter must hate Obama. He’s no longer the most popular mulatto in America)

I was thinking Johnny Depp might be a good choice. Everyone loves him. Then I remembered that he’s married and hasn’t made a good movie in years. Darn. I was so close. I can’t be  a musician. I’m too much of a goody-two-shoes for that. What about Russell Brand? He’s an actor who pretends he’s a musician. Or is he a comedian who pretends he’s a musician? He’s not funny so that can’t be it. What the fuck is that guy? Is it even a guy? He weighs 98 pounds. Guys shouldn’t weigh that little and have that long of hair. He is married to Katy Perry though. I would have sex with her. But marriage means you can only have sex with one person. That’s the point of marriage. So that your partner can’t sleep around. Yeah there’s no way I want to be Russell Brand. Other than who he gets to have sex with, his life sucks. And I also don’t think I could love myself if I couldn’t understand a thing I said. How does Russell live with himself not making any sense?

(Russell Brand looking like my dad and Charles Manson pointing at Edmonton)

The best course of action to me is to not become anyone else. I can just be myself and hope that someday someone else wants to be me. It’s okay if I steal a few things here and there from others. I can take a hairstyle or how someone cool walks. Why hijack everything they’ve got? I can become my own man. There’s already Halloween where I can be someone else. There’s no need to do it all the time. So that’s what I’ll do. Start my own styles, my own trends, and not try to be someone else. I’ll be myself. A boy who desperately wishes he was a famous actor, professional athlete, or comic book villain.

I’ve written before about all of my celebrity sightings. I have a new one. Do you remember a little film starring an angry Australian man named Russell Crowe called “A Beautiful Mind?” Of course you do. It won a lot of awards. I never saw it. I know what it’s about basically. A schizophrenic man helps the military and teaches at Princeton University. I’m sure it’s much more exciting than that. Jennifer Connelly runs around in a wet t-shirt at one point which always seemed out-of-place in the trailer. Anyway, that movie is based on a true story. About a man named John Nash. A man who eats lunch at the same place I do.

(My lunch buddy. Genius, autobiographical movie star, and sandwich connoisseur)

The first time I saw Mr. Nash he was wearing short shorts and had an oxygen tank. The second time I saw him he was driving very slowly and stopping completely at a yield sign. He drives a red car in case you’re stalking him. I’m not sure of the make or model. I’m retarded when it comes to cars. It’s something that would probably be a teenager’s first car though. Nothing fancy. Something very simple.

I didn’t know that this was John Nash for a good year or so. I knew he lived in the area and I knew he was old. For some reason I was looking up pictures of him online and thought “Hey, he looks like that creepy guy in the short shorts that I see at Subway.” Turns out, I was right.

I haven’t spoken to him. That would be a weird thing for me to do. I did take a video of him getting out of his car one time. One creepy thing is enough. I was hoping to turn the video into “A Beautiful Mind 2: Nash’s Revenge” but was turned down by the film studios because they are currently not accepting 10 second films shot on phones with my thumb in the way. I figured if the Wayans Brothers get to make movies, so should I. Lets be honest, Scary Movie was great when it came out. But it’s because of how shocking it all is. Look, a penis stabbing someone in the ear! After you do a penis stabbing someone in the ear gag you can’t possibly do another joke for the rest of the film or any other film. You peaked too soon Keenan Ivory. Go back in time and make your films less about shock value and even less about White Chicks.

(Looks like this copy has 8 bonus minutes of raw unedited material! Is it too late to order this for Christmas?)

There isn’t a bad thing to say about Mr. Nash that I wouldn’t say about any older gentleman. He’s slow, a little clumsy, and has strange knees. He’s at Subway forever. Sometimes he doesn’t even appear to be eating. Then he’ll get up and get a soup or a soda. Who knew that soup was a favorite among geniuses? I have to start eating/drinking it more. The last time I had soup I was 8, at a friend’s house, and I stepped on a fishing hook in his backyard. Who keeps fishing hooks lying around in their backyard? That reminds me, he had a hot sister. Holy crap I forget how I could see her lying by the pool from my back deck. Then they moved and I was forced to watch the two overweight girls play basketball in their backyard with a soccer ball. Ugh. This is why I hate U-Haul. They take love away from me.

Mr. Nash does enjoy his walks. He also enjoys his trench coats and briefcases. I’ll see him walking at times with his trench coat and his briefcase. He must have learned this from his days hobnobbing with the Hollywood elite. It’s kind of cool to know that I eat lunch at the same place that a genius with a movie made about his life does. They should put something in the window that he eats there. I’m sure they asked him, but he’s too humble of a man. He helped fight the Commies. If I ever even beat up a midget I’d brag about it. And yes, I can call them midgets. I was born before the year 2000. You can’t tell me to change something that I’ve done for more than half my life.

(Brushing my teeth, something I’ve done for over half my life. On an aside, she looks like she just did something naughty. I’m using my imagination)

Perhaps one day Mr. Nash and I will have a conversation. We can talk about Ron Howard or which of the five dollar foot longs we enjoy most. It’s nothing like physics or other science things that only he would understand and would not only go over my head, but would also come back around and nip me in the ass. But we do have that one thing in common. A place where we can go in the middle of the day to get sandwiches from Ecuadorians who work for Indian people.

Despite my vast fame, I still get excited to spot one of my fellow famous mates out on the town. You have to figure, if you walk around New York City or Los Angeles all day long, you’re bound to at some point cross paths with a famous person. Even if you’re not a fan of theirs, they are still famous. Most famous people I am not a fan of. Every politician, every country singer, every soap opera star is famous and I hate them all.

I’ve met a lot of athletes in my time. The most famous was probably Derek Jeter. He asked me how I was and I said good. Then he signed my baseball card and got into a nice car with a big black bodyguard. It wasn’t an amazing experience or anything. I had to lie to an old man to meet him. He told me not to “sass him” anymore or else I wouldn’t get to meet the Mr. Jeter. I stuck my tongue out when he wasn’t looking and he still probably works security at a Trenton sports complex. He didn’t get to meet Derek Jeter. He had to smell my fingers to get a whiff of an overrated short stop.

I don’t want to brag about all of the famous athletes I have met. It doesn’t even impress me. If I met the athletes unexpectedly then I might be more excited to share my stories. I met Willie Mays at the baseball hall of fame. If I met him at a soup exhibition then I would have a much better story than an old guy sitting at a table mumbling something and autographing the same baseball twice. Does that mean it’s twice as valuable?

When I used to go to New York often I would see famous people quite often. It was kind of cool, especially when they didn’t give a shit who I was or what I was selling. The least famous person I recognized was that douche from American Idol with the dreadlocks and pretty eyes. I’ll give him that. He has gorgeous eyes. He walked by me on his cell phone in a pair of flip-flops. I don’t know who wears flip-flops in New York City. I guess he really wanted to step on an AIDS needle badly. A group of girls saw him then giggled. I asked them if he was from American Idol and they confirmed it then said how cute he was. I asked them if they recognized me from American Idol, trying to see if I could fool them into fooling around. It backfired and they ganged up on me then stole my wallet.

Another famous person that you probably don’t know that I saw was former WWE wrestler Batista. He was with fellow wrestler, Melina who is one of those women that sometimes is hot and sometimes has a horse-face. Or maybe sometimes I just want to fuck a horse. I haven’t decided yet. They were sitting in Times Square at 10 o’clock on a Tuesday getting their caricatures done by Chinese men. Batista looked angry and Melina looked like she was just trying to be nice and sit still. Me and a group of black kids gathered around and pointed and shouted their names at them like they didn’t know who they were. Neither of them are with the WWE anymore and that makes this celebrity sighting very unimpressive.

Then there are sightings that I’m not positive about. I thought I saw Morgan Freeman, but then I realized that I think all old black men look-alike. Rats!

I was with a friend at one time and a musical had just gotten out. He said to me “Hey that’s DMX.” Then he yelled “Hey DMX!” A black man waved to us so we can only assume that it was DMX. You remember him. He had that song where he just says that his name is DMX. It was popular when I was 11. No?

The only possible famous person I saw in a bar was High School Musical alumni Lucas Grabel. He plays Ashley Tisdale’s closeted homosexual brother in the movies. He was standing with a large group of friends, the center of all their attention. Chances are, it wasn’t him. I can never imagine someone from the Disney Channel doing something sinful like drinking, drugging, self-mutilation, posing naked, being a slut, cursing, or anything else that they always end up doing.

Years before he was famous, I swore that I saw Michael Cera in a bar. I didn’t know his name. This was pre-Superbad so I had no business being in a bar as I was maybe 18 years old. I only knew his character name from Arrested Development, George Michael. I shouted it to see if he’d turn and look. He didn’t. Maybe it was because he wasn’t in character. I still like to think that it was him and he was getting beers with a fake ID.

Then there are times that I see celebrities outside of major metropolitans. I saw prop comedian Carrot Top at a train station. He was walking around with his assistant and lots of bags (his act). He went into the bathroom and I debated whether I should get a glimpse of his famous genitals or not. I really should have, but I didn’t. When he came back out a few people shook his hand and pretended to be fans. I looked at him and smiled. That was my way of acknowledging that I recognized him, but wasn’t much of a fan. If I ever become famous and someone comes up to me and says they’re a big fan I’m going to ask them what their favorite thing I ever did was. This will leave them feeling awkward and hating me. Anything to ruin another person’s day.

He is not famous, but I feel like I should mention that during my second semester of college, the man who sat next to me in my television class was the original drummer from the band Phish. At least, he claimed to be and adjusting the Wikipedia page to say so. All year he tried to sell his CD to students and at the end gave me a free one. I still have it and I completely understand why he was kicked out. He also got angry with me for mispronouncing the word “genre” because back then I pronounced it “ga-nair.” That really bothered him. We made friends again when I didn’t tell the teach that he spent most of class filming the blonde girl in the front row.

I shook the hand that shook the world in Maury Povich. The same hand that has rubbed the foreheads for good luck of so many kids with aging diseases. It was after the taping of his show, which isn’t exiting. I knew he would be there and he wore a big coat and looked frail. He didn’t want to touch my hand. He knew one would smell like ass and the other would smell like cock. I knew the same about him and that’s precisely why I shook his. Count this as also meeting Connie Chung as I’m sure a piece of her skin got stuck under my finger nail.

I hope to eventually meet more famous people in my time on earth. But like I have already said, I’m sure I have. Kim Kardashian is, in Joel McHale’s words “famous for having a big ass and a sex tape.” That’s all it takes now. We reward that. Losers don’t even have to shoot a president anymore to get their name out there. They just have to lie on their backs while a wide receiver widens them with his receiver. I really hope Reggie Bush plays wide receiver otherwise that little joke doesn’t make sense.

P.S. To my 3 1/2 loyal followers (the half comes from me reading your posts and I’ve come to the conclusion that you have no legs)

No new posts until Monday. I’ll be having a gigantic birthday bonanza and probably crying alone at an aquarium. Take this time to catch up on older blogs of mine if you miss me.