Posts Tagged ‘celebrity’

Human imposter (that’s what I call actors) Zach Braff (that’s what I call assholes) has turned to Kickstarter to help make a new movie. He has asked fans (even Hitler had supporters) to donate $2,000,000 to help make his film Wish I Was Here, something I would never say when referring to the film premiere of anything Zach Braff is involved with.

Zach Braff


(A face only a mother could wish to abort)

Kickstarter if you don’t know is where wannabes turn when they want money to make their dreams come true. Usually it’s people who have lots of friends/are Catholics and have large families which is why I would never be able to under any circumstances do my own. I have no friends and as my grandpa used to say, “Pull it out and shoot it on her thigh” so I come from a pretty small family with this sexual advice.

Kickstarter has been pretty good for many people. I don’t have any examples, but some pretty genuine people with crappy ideas have indeed gotten the funds to make their lackluster dreams come true. Hey, it’s America. Everyone has the right to pursue happiness so long as happiness doesn’t come solely from strangling women. A lot of people have been outspoken about how this is a dick move by Braff to ask people for money to help produce a film since he easily has the required funds. I agree with them. At the same point, people have every right to spend money on whatever they want so long as that money isn’t spent on paying someone to strangle a woman.

chris brown


(“Why strangle when you can punch a bitch?” – Chris ‘If You Support My Music You’re An Enabling Douche’ Brown)

I have an idea though. If funds are tight for Zach Braff and he wants to get in real good with the public, why doesn’t he somehow work in helping out others with this project? He can take the money and give out all of his shitty prizes like getting a 10 second recording of Zach Braff saying whatever you want (does he really have a recognizable voice that anyone would care to have this?) or a Zach Braff commemorative 8×10 photograph of him swimming in his royalty checks from Scrubs all he wants. I think if Braff really wants to be a cool guy though he’ll do something better, he’ll give other actors/directors/people who want to get into the industry a chance.

Here’s what Zach should promise. Zach should have a competition. In this competition there are opportunities for however many people he wants at whatever jobs he chooses to either intern or actually do the work. It’s all about to Mr. Braff how this goes down. Having all of these outside folks working on the project will not only give them the opportunity to add something nice to their resume, it will make sure this is indeed a project done by the people. Of course no one will unfortunately have the power to fire Zach Braff then make a better movie, but when you make a deal with the devil not everything will go your way.

selena gomez


(This is how Selena Gomez got famous)

I think the best thing any celebrity of any stature could ever do is get the fans involved. Zach Braff may think asking for money from the fans is getting them involved, but it isn’t. It’s like people who think donating to a presidential candidate helps them get elected. Did anyone really vote for Obama because he drank a beer with someone else after he got enough campaign funds to travel to Harrisburg? I hope not. How weak-minded could one person be?

32,376 people have so far donated $2,446,757 for this project. The average comes to around $75.50 which of course is inflated because it appears one jerk-off donated $10,000 to the project. I’m not saying this money could have been better spent elsewhere, but you’re foolish to think this was a good investment.

What awesome thing would you do with $2,446,757 if you could earn that much on Kickstarter?

And because I’m sure you’re in disbelief that anyone would give money to such a thing, here’s the link to his Kickstarter page. Please note, it’s already gone up about $120 since I copied and pasted this into WordPress. Fuck Us All.

The first time was cute. The first time for anything is cute. The first time man stepped foot on the moon, adorable! Look at silly Neil, bouncing up and down like a dog in a swimming pool. When Obama won the election I wanted to pinch his cheeks it was so cute having a black president. Even the first plane crash was pretty damn swell. You know, the old black and white footage of the plane with the wings flapping? You can’t help but laugh at the carnage that did not ensue and does now each time a plane does crash. If we went back to that old model, Lost would have been a 3 minute show and J.J. Abrams could go back to being named after Good Times characters like he should.

(President Obama looking so adorable at his inauguration in his big boy suit)

When things jump the shark, become too common, they lose their flair. It’s no longer interesting or admirable. What exactly is it I am referring to specifically with all of this? Pleas to celebrities to go on dates with the downtrodden. I’ll do my best not to shit on marines or cancer kids in this, but no promises.

If you don’t have any idea what I’m talking about, let me catch you up. There’s this trend going around where common folk like you and I ask celebrities out on dates. Usually they do it via YouTube. You know, the website with videos that doesn’t have any nudity. Yeah, I think it’s useless too. I’ve never watched these videos. Why would I? I have better things to do like eating and checking my dog’s poop for worms. Finally found some! My bucket list is getting shorter and shorter each day.

I’m not positive what my first experience with these entrapment dates was. I think it was a marine asking Mila Kunis out on a date. Hey, I’d love to go on a date with Mila Kunis. I’d even ask if she wanted dessert afterwards. I’d drive to a separate place for the dessert too for Mila Kunis. I don’t just do that for anyone. It’s usually you can get an appetizer and if you’re still hungry you can pick at what I have left on my plate when I’m done. To Mila’s credit, I don’t think she ever went on the date with the marine. She politely turned it down. She gets harassed and jerked off to all the time. You really think because you have a webcam and camouflage on that she should go on a date with you? Actually now that I think about it, she actually did go over to visit him. I’m not really sure and don’t feel like looking it up. Point is, Mila baby, you don’t have to ride in a black hawk helicopter to come and see me. I bet that marine didn’t even take you somewhere interesting to eat. I’m not pleading with you to go on a date with me, just suggesting.*

*I researched it and she did meet up with him. She went to a Marine’s Ball in one of the Carolinas. Sounds like a blast.

There seems to be a new one of these everyday on the Yahoo homepage, my number one source for news other than listening to high school girls gossip at the mall. Today I learned that Michelle is a whore. That was from the high school girls, not Yahoo. There’s nothing wrong with asking celebrities out on dates, it’s just–I don’t know. Corny. It’s desperate. There are plenty of beautiful people out there in the world as lonely and pathetic as you are. Try them. Maybe, and this is a real shot in the dark, you will be more compatible with a chick who works in an office than one who plays pretend in front of a camera.

(I’m sure she makes an awesome bowl of oatmeal)

Not always are these pleas from marines. Sometimes they’re from kids with diseases. Finally, sick children making use out of their own wish. I always thought what would happen if a Make A Wish Kid asked for his one wish to be having sex with a celebrity. My guess is they’d smother the child with a pillow immediately. No way they’re letting him into the pants of some Hollywood starlet. I know it’s great to ban together to get some kid a date with a celebrity and I’m mostly jealous that I’m not even allowed to fart near one let alone feel one up, but the all that effort to help the kid meet a celebrity crush doesn’t do anything. All your hard work spent on trying to fly in–Fibi from Friends? Kids think she’s sexy right?–could be better used in other ways. If the kid is dead in the water, for sure, get him whoever he wants. Force her to touch his soon to be dead body. Make her do some magic tricks for him like pulling a cure out of a hat. Maybe I’m harsh, but I think all this teaches us is nobody gives a shit about you until you’re dead or dying. Which is true.

I could never get a date with a celebrity crush. My life isn’t bad enough. I take care of myself, I’m not retarded, I’m probably going to be stuck on this rock called earth for a few more years. If I want a celebrity to screw, I do it the old fashion way. I break into her mansion and have my way. Or I work really hard to make a name for myself. Make them want me. I hate all kinds of free handouts. Especially when they involve putting guilt on some poor celebrity into having no choice but to tell you that your video was charming but they have to politely decline your request to stare at you awkwardly for 10 minutes while you blab about how much you loved her in some terrible movie. How can any other girl ever love you after you’ve publicly humiliated yourself showing how obsessed you can be with a stranger? She knows she’ll never live up to that. Why should she even bother?

Simply put, you’re a loser if you ever make one of these videos.

So here’s my first of many to come.

Off the record: I swear my delivery is much better in the second one I made. This took about 2 hours to figure out and that doesn’t include how long it took me to realize I needed to convert the file. I had originally done a very flamboyantly gay voice, but realized I couldn’t say certain words with a lisp, like anything starting with an S. I’m also adding a link to my YouTube channel I created on my blogroll so you can look at the other things I put up there. And for good measure I’ve added a picture of Ms. Malin Akerman at the end of this post because I will get more Facebook hits from that being the thumbnail used.

It seems like every time I visit Yahoo or try to engage a prostitute in small talk after sex I find out that a new celebrity has died. It’s amazing how many of them are dying. I’d explain to you why it is right now, but then this would be one paragraph. Let me try to put together a few more before giving the obvious answer to a lame question.

The reason why celebrities seem to be dying so frequently is that everyone is a celebrity now. More than ever you too can become famous. Back in 1920 or so, there weren’t nearly as many celebrities. Charles Lindbergh, Woodrow Wilson, and Kaiser Wilhelm were the top names to grace the covers of the celebrity gossip magazines. With a limited amount of media back then most celebrities were politicians or people who actually achieved something. Now all you need is a popular YouTube video or to share a last name with someone with a popular YouTube video. No longer does blood need to be shed for you to be wildly known. Why do you think John Wilkes-Booth killed Lincoln? Was it political? No! He was an actor trying to get his name out there.

(What a bad headshot. Doesn’t he know all actors are supposed to smile and be outside during one?)

Dead celebrities are no longer a taboo. It’s fine to make fun of them. I’m guilty of it for sure. When I hear a celebrity died the first thing that runs through my head is “What joke can be made about this” then it’s “I hope someone else doesn’t think of something better.” There was a whole television show based around them killing each other in claymation form. I had a video game of that show. Only in America can we have so many famous people that we need a television show where they fight to the death with each other.

(This is what clay was made for. And pottery for the Native Americans)

There aren’t any celebrities I’d be all that upset about dying. I don’t get attached to them very easily. They’re just entertainers. Monkeys with symbols clanging together. Let me take a moment to insult Dick Clark for no apparent reason other than he popped in my head. When Dick Clark dies people are going to be upset. Why? He never really did anything. He talked while a bunch of teenagers got together and danced to the latest tunes. He’s a glorified chaperone. Dick Clark is known as the world’s oldest teenager. Or he was until he had a stroke. Now he’s the old guy on New Year’s Eve we all feel bad for. He’s slobbering and he’s not even drunk. I swear, that poor old man is going to die on live television one December 31st. He’ll mess up the numbers like always and have a heart attack out of embarrassment. Please Dick, find something more appropriate to do on New Year’s Eve. Like finding a nice place in the woods to die in.

(This looks pretty nice)

Making fun of a celebrity death gets a lot of groans from massive amounts of people. I never got this. If some child star died, sure, groan. If one of the Olsen twins had SIDS while on Full House that would be sad news. Good news for the quality of entertainment, but sad news in the grand scheme of things. But when someone like Amy Winehouse overdoses she’s free reign. Shit, even if she died saving Catholic orphans from an overturned vehicle I think it’s fine if she was open season on ridicule. Part of being celebrity is letting things roll off your back. You can’t let every bad comment about you stick. Us non-celebrities get picked on all the time. We man through it don’t we? Celebrities can do the same thing. Personally I’d love if the tabloids were saying things about me. I doubt they ever will. I’m not nearly fucked up enough for anyone to believe I’m having a sexual affair with a coworker and find it shocking or interesting. Sure Cathy in Accounting isn’t bad-looking, but I doubt anyone would write home about our loud moans.


(Cathy in Accounting. Look, we gave you the right to vote. Please treat our man inventions with some respect)

What I really want to say about dead celebrities is that they’re going to keep happening. Eventually we’ll have so many of them it’ll be every day. I imagine when I’m older that I’ll have to explain to my kids who some celebrities are. Something will be all over the news about Joel Gosselin dying in a motorcycle crash. I’ll have to explain to them that he was on a show as a baby where his mother bossed around his father, the father got revenge by acting out, and things ended poorly between the two. Joel Gosselin is a celebrity whether he likes it or not. And he’s going to be dead someday. It’ll make headlines too. It’s fine to mourn for anyone’s death. Just don’t ruin the fun of others if we thought they spent their life as a hack one hit wonder.