Posts Tagged ‘christmas’

Or actually I should say Merry Christmas. Not that I don’t respect people who celebrate holidays other than Christmas. I’m just saying, Hanukkah is over and Christmas is tomorrow so clearly when I’m wishing you happy holidays I’m referring specifically to Christmas. Unless of course I am including Kwanza or Boxing Day into the discussion; even New Year’s.

But whatever you celebrate, even if it happened a month ago, have a good one. Or have a bad one. It’s really up to you. So have one.

I decided this year I was going to play Santa Claus and get my neighbors special gifts. Some people say the perfect gift is something expensive. Others say it’s only the thought that counts. I believe a great gift is getting someone something they need and don’t even realize. Here is what I plan on getting my neighbors for Christmas.

-For the people above me who always yell and fight I plan to get them soundproof walls and a marriage counseling book. Actually, they’re not even married and they’re already fighting. Maybe instead I should get them a gun so they can settle things once and for all. I don’t need to wake up to the word “motherfucker” getting yelled on a Sunday. That word should be reserved for the PM hours.

-For the family next to me with three yippie dogs who never shut up I plan to get Michael Vick. Yes, the actual guy. He hasn’t done too well this season and if we’re lucky he will be desperate for a job next year. I don’t want Michael Vick to actually kill the dogs but his presence could maybe shut them up a bit. If Michael Vick isn’t available I’ll get the husband a workout DVD so he doesn’t have to step outside shirtless and subject me to his terrible body.

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(Is his last name really “Blanks” or is it something like “Fuckers” and they’re trying to censor it?)

-For the Canadian family living diagonally up from me I plan to get an ashtray. This ashtray is for them to then give to the people living above me so none of us have to live with a front yard covered in cigarette butts. Thank you Canadian family for never being a problem.

-For everyone living in my complex who doesn’t keep their dog on a leash I plan to get a leash. Not for their dogs, for them to hang themselves for being so inconsiderate.

-For the new family living on the corner who always toss their chicken wing bones onto the ground I plan to get the knowledge that boneless chicken wings exist. If they are too stupid which I think they might be then I will get them a larger garbage can so they don’t have to throw their garbage onto the lawn. Seriously, do they really think a squirrel can do anything with these bones? I’ve had to yank three out from my dog’s mouth and he accidentally bites me every time. I really want a bus to crash through their window.

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(This is all I want for Christmas. Maybe an explosion too)

-For the guy I saw folding his laundry while smoking I plan to get a nicotine patch. Dude, getting ashes all over your clean clothes defeats the purpose of washing.

-For the woman who once made a passive aggressive comment to me from her car about how her neighbors let their dogs piss and shit all over the place I plan to get a bag of my dog’s shit. How about if you see me not picking up the dog shit then you say something. I saw a black guy looting a stereo on the news. I don’t assume it’s your son you whore.

-For the only other younger white people I’ve seen living in my apartment complex I plan to get friendly smiles. Out of all the gangsters, the white trash, and the obnoxious ghetto women I seem to see on a daily basis these younger white folk seem to be the least friendly of any. What’s with white people and their stubbornness toward being friendly to strangers? White people crazy.

kat williams

(“They sho’ is.” – Katt ‘What Did I Do To Piss Off Comedy Central’ Williams)

What do you plan on getting your neighbors for Christmas, Kwanza, or whatever it is you celebrate?

This post, this one right here, is my 400th blog post. To celebrate I am not going to bother putting any effort into writing up something fantastic for once.

Your holiday gift from me is that you don’t have to read anything from me today. And yes, it’s a holiday gift. I have a loyal follower who celebrates Kwanza. What’s up Jamal? How are the Knicks doing this season? No. KFC is not open on Christmas you goof!

If you feel the need to give me a gift may I suggest clicking on one of the many links on my blogroll whether it belongs to me or someone else. I also have amazing things in my Writing Samples page at the top. Or you can see what’s happening at my other blog Kidz Showz. I won’t push anything today because the holiday spirit has entered me and it was consensual.

Enjoy your night off from my nonsense. You are welcome.

Before you leave thinking this is a complaint about not being allowed to say “Merry Christmas” allow me to say that it’s not really about that. This post is a little scatter brained. I’m not sure why. I’m usually right on point! This is more about Christmas. It’s about every day life and having to make sure everybody is happy. The Christmas spirit is only my inspiration. I hope all my Christians/Americans/English readers enjoyed their Christmas and hope the rest of you saw a good movie.

I don’t care much for political correctness. It’s a pretty new thing for us. I think we used to be too stupid to notice these things. All political correctness comes down to is a definition. Many words mean many things. A jackass can be a donkey or an idiot or a man named Jack’s butt. It’s usually pretty obvious which one someone is talking about when they use the word. This probably wasn’t the best example. Being called a donkey, an idiot, or a man named Jack’s butt are all bad things. Unless Jack does lots of squats. Then it could be a compliment.

The political correctness that annoys me most is the kind where everyone needs to be included. Yes. Everyone should be welcomed everywhere. I agree. You should be allowed to enter any public place that you wish and apply for any job and have every opportunity as everyone else. So what’s the problem? The problem is when people have a problem. Do you really think that many people sit down and write emails about how much South Park pissed them off? Most of us are mature enough to know that if we hate something on TV that we change the channel then complain about it on our blogs. I could list who I blame for this but they’re all people who are on the extreme right or extreme left of the political spectrum. The Bible Thumpers on the right and the Bob Marley T-Shirt Wearers on the left are the exact same thing. They’re not happy. They’re miserable terds who have always gotten what they wanted in life and now feel the need to ruin everything for you and me. Us moderates need to stick together. We know that we need to pick and choose our battles and that not everything will work out our way. We’re better than them. We use reason and logic and don’t get our inspiration from 2,000 year old books and Bruce Springsteen songs.

I have two examples of political correctness that have me growing out my hair longer just so I can rip it out in a couple of months. Please, feel free to share your observations with me. I have a big head, hence lots of hair. I need more reasons to pull out my hair.

The first one was an advertisement for a high school play. It wasn’t quite on a billboard as much as it was on a small piece of cardboard in front of a liquor store. Location. Location. Location. That’s what advertising is all about. You’d have to be drunk to see a high school play that your kid isn’t in. The play was called “12 Angry People.” Hmmm. I didn’t know high schools did original plays. Maybe I’m not as well-versed in theater as I thought. I use my thinking schools and remember that there is a play called “12 Angry Men.” Oh no. Did they–they did. They changed the name of a play to be more politically correct! No! No! No! It’s 12 Angry Men. 12 pissed off guys with dicks and balls. I get that mostly girls act in these high school plays so maybe that’s why the name was changed. But how about this. Don’t do that play! How cheap are you that you have to do a play that all takes place in one room? Your entire scenery budget was paying a janitor to move a large table onto the stage. Stick with classics like Anne, Oliver Twist, or Big. Yes. My middle school did the theatrical and musical version of the Tom Hanks movie Big. The letter was all in small letters too which only me and one other person noticed. We planned on writing a musical called SMALL which is just the film in reverse. We’re lazy and instead occasionally mention it for a laugh.

The second example came from a radio advertisement. A woman talks to her husband. She wants to know what she should get for him. What a good wife. She asks him “What do you want for the Holidays?” Huh? Wait–people talk like that? I have never wished a loved one a happy holiday. Do you know why? I know which holiday it is that they celebrate! The man proceeds to tell her that he wants a pulled pork hoagie. It was an ad for sandwiches, mind you. The fact that he’s eating pork kind of tells you that he’s a heathen Christian. He celebrates Christmas! And their voices weren’t nasally or whiny. Clearly WASPs. Christians only celebrate two holidays in the “holiday season.” Christmas and New Year’s. For Christmas we get gifts. For New Year’s we get someone pregnant. Your birthday around October 5th? You might be a New Year’s conceived baby. I get that they want to attract people who don’t celebrate Christmas but why not find a better way to word it? Like “Hey, you haven’t given me your wish-list yet. What do you want? We’re running out of time!” Something corny like that where you still don’t mention the dreaded Christmas holiday but don’t offend those who don’t celebrate it. And who would not go buy a delicious sandwich just because they mention Christmas? If you are so caught up in your beliefs that someone as miniscule as that will turn you off from buying a product then you need to really consider what’s more important, eternal salvation or a delicious mother watering sandwich.

Things will probably never change. Why should they? There are enough ways to get around it and there are enough traditionalists like me out there who see nothing offensive about including everyone. Not everyone has to like you. If you’re someone who everyone likes, you’re phony. You have no opinion. There are plenty of people who I don’t like but I respect because shit, they stand their ground and are always open to being corrected when they’re wrong. For all we know life is nothing but a dream. We could be in the Matrix. Or on the fingernail of someone else in a Universe that isn’t even known to the person whose fingernail that belongs to. Doesn’t that blow your mind? Stop fretting about making everyone happy. It’s not your job. That’s Brian Regan’s job. Everyone loves a Fig Newton joke.

Christmas, the most wonderful time of year. I know it’s not specifically Christmas. Chanukah is also part of the most wonderful time of year. I don’t consider Chanukah very wonderful though. It’s a celebration of not running out of oil for 8 days. My car can only last about 5 before I have to fill up my tank. If my car got better gas mileage than maybe I would understand Chanukah a little bit more. And why am I spelling it Chanukah? I’m used to Hanukkah. I don’t get it. Why two spellings? I’m sure it has something to do with translations, but why not make up your mind? Oye Vey! I hate indecisiveness.

This is the first holiday season that I’m feeling terrible about it. I never used to get those jokes about Christmas Suicides. I always thought it was funny because who would ever kill themselves on Christmas? It’s such a happy day. You get presents and time with your family. The older I get, the lonelier I get. The lonelier I get, the less people I have in my life. The less people I have in my life, the angrier I become. Skip forward a few more cause and effects and we got to the point of feeling the holiday blues. I totally get this now. Most holidays I feel pretty bummed out myself. They’re not the same as they used to be when I was younger. Now they feel forced. Almost as if the family is trying to recapture the wonderful moments of ignorance we had when there were children involved. It’s killing me inside to continue to pretend that I believe in Santa. But I’m doing it for the family. I want to keep this magic going. The second I admit I know the truth they’ll make me bathe myself. I have short arms. There’s no way I can cover every inch of my body with these things.

(Sometimes I forget I have arms, they’re so short. I really should just have hands that shoot out of my shoulders like this guy)

It’s not necessarily the holidays in general that I think bum people out. December is pretty gloomy itself. It’s dark by 4:30 and starts to become cold. This would make anyone with a heart depressed. Being alone on the holidays is something that I know I will have to endure at some point in my life. It’s slightly scary but I know that I’m not alone in that. At some point we all have to spend the important holidays alone. Unless you’re a Siamese twin. I’ll bet that a Siamese twin never reads this. When I say Siamese twin, I also mean that both their legs have to hit the ground. I don’t count the ones with someone attached to their forehead as Siamese twins. As Doug Stanhope said, they’re people with midgets attached to them. I’m sure you know the TLC whore I’m talking about. You’re probably more confused as to what a TLC whore is. It’s someone who is on the channel TLC way too much. Usually they’re freaks.

(You monster)

My holiday woes are simple. I have to be in too many places at one time. Don’t tell me to go out and rent “Four Christmases” so I can have something to relate to. Reese Witherspoon hasn’t been cute in years and Vince Vaughn hasn’t been funny in centuries.

(“Vince Vaughn, very funny.” – Caveman, 10,001 B.C.)

There isn’t an extensive travel list that I have to go through. It’s just that I have to travel at all that bothers me. Christmases past I wouldn’t have to go anywhere. I liked those years. I would go into the front yard and play catch with my dad with my new football. Or if I didn’t get a football we’d play catch with one of my sister’s gifts. This year I’ll be at every corner of New Jersey over the weekend. I’ll be traveling 500 miles total in 3 days. I know, I thought New Jersey was pretty small too. I could probably get to the Carolinas for that mileage. I don’t know what I’d do there. Visit Raleigh? Get away with a hate crime?

The more I think about it there are Christmas images that beg us to all kill ourselves. Wreathes look like green nooses. Angels are everywhere and that’s what we turn into when we die. Look how cute most of those angels are! I want to be one of them. Then there’s that whole random Jesus aspect thrown into Christmas. I don’t get it either. Jesus is such a deathly image. He’s always on a cross looking like he’s in agony. We used to have one of those hanging above our house phone in my childhood home. Then we found out that we were the only family in the world that still used a landline so we threw it in the garbage disposal. I’m kidding. It was the trash. No way in hell would we have a landline but be able to afford a garbage disposal.

I’ve never known anyone to kill themselves around Christmas. Most suicides I know of happen around Thanksgiving. I never got that. That’s like killing yourself on a Monday. There’s still time. There’s still hope. Tuesday and Wednesday are the perfect days to kill yourself. All hope of having a good week might be gone and you’re too far away from a fresh start. If I ever killed myself it would be on a Tuesday at midnight. That’s called suicidal compromise. I would not do it around Thanksgiving either. Thanksgiving makes me hopeful of having a good Christmas. I already know this year will be pretty lame (how can it not be lousy with that attitude?) but that’s okay. Whether or not my Christmas is good or if I go into it with a negative attitude, it’ll happen. All over the world children will be eager and wake up early. I’ll probably rise around 10 in the morning and won’t talk to anyone until noon. Maybe a neighbor. And what would I even say to them? “Merry Christmas I don’t know you.” That’s exactly what I will say. Christmas has no boundaries when it comes to wishing someone to have a merry one. You don’t have to know a person to wish them luck. Maybe that’s what it’s all about. Connecting with others. Making someone feel special. Smiling for no reason other than the fact that you have something in this world.

I wrote this hoping to complain about how much I am not excited about Christmas this year. Instead I found its true meaning. Not worrying about how it will turn out. It’s still Christmas whether it’s a good day or not. That’s all that’s important. That it happens. Good, bad, or neutral. Christmas is coming. Don’t kill yourself until after it sucks.

(I’ll need a lot of acid if I want my Christmas to look a thing like this. Although Bunsen does remind me of my Grandma)

“Merry Christmas to all and to all a good fight!” – What Michael Buffer should say if there’s ever a big Christmas boxing match

It’s Holiday Season. Do you know what that means? If the title didn’t already give it away, it’s Hess Truck season. Hooray! The greatest toy ever. A truck that delivers gasoline. Truly a collectible that will be worth thousands in the future.

(Here’s to hoping as soon as that jet takes off it burns up the truck with its fuel then crashes itself into a Hess Truck factory)

I remember when I was a younger and less hairy boy. Every December meant that the television would be flooded with commercials for the latest edition of the Hess Truck. For those of you not familiar with what Hess might be, it’s a gas station. That’s it. You go there and fill up your car with petroleum. I don’t fill up my car. I live in New Jersey and we have Arabs who do it for us. They usually call me “buddy” or “boss” which makes me feel important. That must be such a foreign idea to you reading this. I have never had to pump my own fuel. It’s only like this in New Jersey and our sister state on the other side of the country Oregon. I’m not sure why it is this way but I like it. Still, why do all girls from New Jersey smell like gas? You chicks in Idaho have an excuse for smelling awful.

The worst thing about these Hess Truck advertisements is that they really hype it up like kids want these toys. No! No kid wants a Hess Truck. Kids want footballs and wooden horses that rock. Not a truck that delivers Texas Tea (shouldn’t it be called Saudi Arabian Tea now?). Someone gave me a Hess Truck years ago. I think I still have it. I bought into the myth that other people would buy it from me for thousands of dollars years later. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

For a while there was a Hess Truck that had a spaceship attached to it. With everybody “going green” they had to ban that vehicle. Spaceships take a lot of gasoline to move. I don’t know the exact number because science upsets my brain, but I’d imagine it’s somewhere in the bazillions. It sends a mixed message too having a rocket ship attached to a truck. It makes children think that this is normal. Reality check, it isn’t. I don’t know who Hess thinks they’re fooling. Not me.

Being a semi-expert of Nazi Germany, I am reminded of the fact that one of Adolf Hitler’s top officials was named Rudolph Hess. Do Hess Trucks promote Nazism? I say of course.

When you go out Christmas shopping this year, be sure to skip over getting a Hess Truck for someone who isn’t your enemy. It’s a bad gift. A toy fire engine, police car, or ice truck are much more fun for a boy on Christmas morning. Don’t buy into the hype. For Christmas this year, make sure the Hess Truck is nowhere near.