Posts Tagged ‘clay bill clay’

I was getting off a train recently when I had a personal revelation. No, I didn’t discover I was gay. This isn’t some weird fan fiction where I make out with one of your favorite Harry Potter characters. If I had to make-out with a male character from Harry Potter it would definitely be Snape. Alan Rickman is older which means he is more experienced. He’s kissed so many women he’ll be eager to kiss a man. Not to mention, I know of at least two people reading this who are in love with him. I know that fact for a fact. So my lips touching his will not be something I will discuss today nor ever. I’m not going to go into how he might gently hold my back, rub his rough facial hairs against my chest, or how his voice might sound whispering warm air into my ears. That will turn this from a family friendly blog into some creepy word-porn.

(He can take over my Nakatomi Plaza any day)

As I walked down the stairs I looked around me to take in who was there. It was mostly gang bangers. Maybe they weren’t all in gangs, but for the sake of sounding shocking I will call these tattooed thugs in gold chains and baggy pants gang bangers. I guess if they were all in gangs they would be more of a nation. These were the guys getting off the train. The people getting on the train were a lot different. They were girls with high butts. Not big butts or necessarily nice ones. Just high ones. Asses placed a little too out of reach for a child to grab onto. Midgets couldn’t sexually harass these ladies. I’m almost certain one of the girls had an ass on the back of her head. Try imagining that with a ponytail. Yuck.

What exactly was my revelation? It’s simple. I am more of a gang banger than I am a girl with a high butt. Everything about my life is closer to these gang bangers. These hardened criminals. Section 8 dwelling, gangsta rapping, wearing a baseball hat of a team I don’t even know the name of gang bangers. It’s more than the fact that both of us decided that our nights should be over with on a Saturday night at 10 whereas girls with high butts are just getting started. It’s much deeper.

(Deep like this, the remains of Ground Zero, NYC. Yeah, I always thought the Twin Towers were much bigger too)

Girls with high butts are fantastic to look at. If you’re one of these girls, please continue making your ass looking so incredibly high that it’s a target to have a plane flown into. I would love to date a girl with a high butt. Even if people are constantly jumping off it to their deaths, there’s something sexy about a high ass. How many more things that are high in the sky can I make a reference to? I think what I love about high butts is that it makes legs look longer. I love a girl with long legs. Ones that could wrap around me like a python. These girls do need to know one thing. You’re not smart. Sorry, but God gave you an ass so close to heaven that and above the clouds so you didn’t need to ever have an intelligent thought. Be happy with what you got. And stop thinking your take on life is unique or interesting. You have a high asshole. The only thing you should do at parties is shit out of it onto all of the heads of the people below. Get it? Because the ass is so high that–forget it.

What do I have in common with gang bangers? Nothing really. I’ve never been to jail nor do I hate people because of a certain color they might wear. Except yellow. Nobody looks good in yellow. I do believe however that I can relate more to a gang banger than a girl with a high butt. Most people join gangs because they’re lonely, want friends, and are easily bullied into things. Sounds like me! Girls with high butts only care about one thing. Themselves. I never understood anyone who doesn’t start their evening until 11pm. Unless you work at Staples, you’re asking for trouble not going out until then. One time at a Manhattan Subway at 3 in the morning a scary black guy ran in, grabbed a skinny Spanish guy’s phone and broke it on the ground. Am I really supposed to believe that their evenings began around 7? No way in hell. They didn’t even start to do their hair until around 8. Nothing good ever happens when it’s dark. Have you ever heard of an afternoon rape? That’s what lunch is for. It keeps rapists occupied for a half hour every day.

(After eating an apple, a half pint of chocolate milk, and whatever other goods are in that brown bag, nobody feels much like raping)

I’m not sure what exactly it is I’m trying to get across here other than I can’t see myself ever getting along with a girl with a high butt. Only certain girls like me. They’re always a reject of some part of society. Girls with high butts are never rejects. They always belong. Gang bangers are also better than they are because at least a gang banger has story that doesn’t start with what the office clown did and end with her carrying a broken high heel chasing after a taxi. If you’re a girl with a big butt, I hate you. You have no purpose in my life. I will forever choose a conversation with a gang banger over you. At least they’re not loud and obnoxious. At least they will never give me an erection and completely ignore me when I smile at them.