Posts Tagged ‘clowns’

The scariest thing that can ever happen to a child is to be witness to their parents being brutally murdered in front of them. To be soaked in the blood of the adults who are meant to raise them. The tears that flow from the eyes of the children as the confusion sets in that they will forever be alone. It’s the most terrible thing that can ever happen. The second most terrible thing that could ever happen is having a clown for your birthday.

I never had a clown come over for my birthday. Good. I probably wouldn’t enjoy clowns now as much as I do. Clowns are something I am actually a big fan of. I’m not exactly sure why. I’ve had this fascination with them ever since I can remember. I can’t remember back too far. Probably because a clown did something terrible to me that I now have to block out.

Clowns, by their very definition, are adult males who like dressing as women but hate women’s underwear. That’s how I see it at least. If I ever put out a dictionary, that’s what it will say. I’m the only person I have ever met that is not completely phobic of clowns. It’s a very common fear. Where do I think it comes from? I think it comes from being sane. How could anyone possibly like a clown? They’ve got big red noses, baggy pants, white makeup on. They look everything but human. Unless you count drunk Lindsay Lohan as human. Then that would be a fair comparison.

(Lindsay Lohan is a tramp. And by that I mean a sad clown, not a drug addicted whore)

What would ever draw a man to be a clown? They have such a bad reputation. It’s like someone getting into the radio industry. I have to ask why. It’s a dying medium. Clowns could never work on the radio. They’d work better than a mime, the retarded cousin of the clown, but would not be able to execute anything worthwhile. A clown can do about three things. They can juggle. They can make a balloon animal. They can make a child piss his pants. They also carry around these flowers that squirt water. What douche bags! I guess at this point in history if you’re smelling the flower on the breast of a man in makeup, you deserve whatever it is that shoots out into your eyes.

For a brief time I thought about going to Clown Camp. And by thought about I mean I was at some event at a hotel where they had a bunch of tables promoting different summer camps. The clowns seemed like fun. They run around and squirt water on people. Instead I went to baseball camp. Guess which one I have a better chance at being now, a baseball player or a clown? If you said baseball player then you haven’t seen me field a ground ball.

(My father, Tanner Boyle. He taught me how to play baseball and how to resemble a young member of the Planet of the Apes)

I think clowns though are making a bit of a comeback. Think of every hot chick you ever see online. They always have clown like qualities. They’ll have colorful hair, lots of makeup, pictures of them smiling, pictures of them frowning, and even sometimes you’ll see a hot girl riding a unicycle. Here’s a tip ladies. If you learn to ride a unicycle, you can get any guy you want. The same goes for wearing suspenders. There’s something about admitting how crazy you are that turns us on. The conclusion you can take from this paragraph is that clowns are sexy. Look past the days of “It.” Tim Curry is scary in everything he does. He was a transsexual in the Rocky Horror Picture Show and the mean hotel manager in Home Alone 2. The man is a creep. Don’t let that ruin your opinion of clowns.

(You’ll never eat a Thin Mint ever again without thinking of this)

Now that I’m older I never see clowns. The only time you ever can anymore is at a child’s birthday party. Of course it’s the child of parents who don’t love them. If you have a kid and you’re thinking about getting a clown you probably shouldn’t. Get a cowboy instead. I say that like cowboys are any less gay than clowns. Or get Santa Clause to show up. I don’t care if his birthday is in April, kids love Santa Clause. The only thing he has in common with clowns is the red nose. Santa never hurt anyone who didn’t deserve it. Trust me, there are plenty of people who he has hurt who did deserve it.

Exes

Posted: December 18, 2011 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Preface: I’m posting this ahead of time and scheduling it for a future date. I will not have a chance to post anything Sunday or Monday so hopefully this will hold you over. I hope the “scheduling” feature works for this. Also, if you are one of the creeps who frequently looks at my blog and does not comment, leave a comment. I like to know who reads this so I can cater to you interests/make sure I don’t say bad things about you/make sure I do say bad things about you if I don’t like you. I’m curious to know who these people who Google “mooselicker” are. Yes, I can see that you do that. Stop being a creep and show yourself.

(Until I know better, this is you. A gay clown in the bushes spying on my every move. He’s gay because gay clowns only red the tips of their nose, not the nostrils)

Onto the article:

This is a thought that has putted around in my head for a while now. It came to me when looking at Facebook profiles of old high school classmates. I might be going out on a limb here, but Jesus Christ, I am the only person who looks better now than they did 6 years ago. I’m not in amazing shape or anything. One thing I do have is that I am completely unrecognizable. I’ve talked to people from my old high school and they have no idea who I am. Maybe they never noticed me and I didn’t get more handsome. Crap. I was excited and pooped my pants for nothing.

I recently saw a picture of an ex-girlfriend on the Internets. Before you get mad at any insults I might say about this girl, let it be known that 2 days before we broke up I texted her “I miss you” and she responded with “That’s nice.” What–the–fuck? You said you loved me! It took us dating 2 days and you were in love with me! Now only about 2 weeks later, it was nice when I missed you. You son of a bitch. I regret not saying your face looked feline.

I’m sitting on Facebook trying to find some Spanish girl whose name I recently learned. Yes, I’m stalking. Big deal. Do you know what the worst thing about Spanish girls is? They’re impossible to stalk. All of their last names are the same. I hope I never need to seriously stalk a Maria Lopez. There has to be 5 million of them.*

(Sofia Vergara has never had a successful stalker. Believe me, I’ve tried)

*This is a recycled joke that I posted on Facebook. Sorry if you’re my Facebook friend and had to read this again. I thought it was clever. Only one person commented on it which is one more than I usually get. I felt it was also very fitting for this post so I used it again. I really was trying to stalk a Spanish girl so it’s not so much a joke as it is a harsh reality. It’s fine to recycle harsh realities.

I am getting so off-track here! I apologize. What I wanted to say was that I saw my ex-girlfriend had some new photographs up. To say she packed on a few L.B.’s would be an insult to the letters L & B. Do letters get insulted? I can’t remember if it’s letters or numbers that have emotions.

(Numbers and Letters getting along for once despite religious affiliation)

I won’t go on a tirade of fat jokes or anything. I’m above doing that to anyone I actually know. I also can’t think of anything clever or hurtful enough. My question though has to do with exes. There are a lot of people who go from “geek to chic” as Jenny Jones would put it. Or in other cases they go from “chic to big fat mess.” I know there’s nothing wrong with change, that’s how Obama got elected.

The question here for you is, what’s the most important and what is the worst of the below choices? Yeah, I’m having trouble wording this. Fuck letters. I hope they are the ones with emotions and feel sad now. Just select which one of the below is more true for you.

A) I would rather date someone attractive who used to be unattractive

Or

B) I would rather date someone who has always been attractive who ends up becoming unattractive after we break up

There are tons of variables to this. I know I would rather date someone who used to be unattractive merely for the fact that they’ll probably lack confidence and be easy pickings. Having dated someone who turned out worse feels a little embarrassing. I don’t know why that is. Maybe because I relate more to people who get better looking as opposed to others who take a nose dive into a bucket of ice cream.

I guess though what really matters is what the person looks like when you actually do date them. Why else should any of us care? Because we’re gossips who want those who hurt us to live miserable lives! That’s why.

To be less shallow, what really matters is personality. I can’t fall in love with someone unless I have some sense of a personality. That’s probably why I don’t like porn. Those girls don’t have a personality other than being a slut. I need to be able to know that the girl has a sense of humor or is real into animals. If more pornographic films had girls wearing clown noses or holding kittens I might get into it and fall in love.

(I am in love)

Yes, sometimes I’m a real pig and will find something very small to turn myself off from another person. What you might call being an animal, I call being observant. I’m not picky at all with girls I’d date. All I ask is that you let your beautiful personality shine through, always let me remind you how amazing you are, and don’t have a big nose. Everybody needs a line. Big noses are mine.

P.S. I also wrote something else. It’s about wrestling! Enjoy by clicking on this link.