Posts Tagged ‘cm punk’

Parts of this piece may come off a little crazy but I assure you it’s complete fact. For a time I was not very charismatic. I didn’t understand how to express emotions or let out any positive energy. Then a funny thing happened. I realized I had to find my inner personality by taking social cues from others. Unfortunately most people I know are blend and not anything like the person I’d like to be. So, I turned to a few fictionalized characters to figure myself out. Whenever I feel inadequate socially I pretend to be the following people:

The Joker

the joker

One of the most memorable film characters from a Christian Bale movie that came out in the last 10 years featuring Gary Oldman as someone with the last name Gordon, The Joker was the main character I ever tried to behave like. I never did bad things or was nearly as sinister him. I simply studied his mannerisms in hopes I could use them in my everyday life to make me appear more charming/give me a better chance at winning an acting award.

The important thing The Joker taught me was the ability to raise and lower your voice to show emphasis. The Joker is probably bipolar or has split personality disorder which is why he’s constantly changing. I like to tell myself it makes me the Pixies of verbalizing in which I can be really soft one moment and really loud the next. I swear it’s not as strange as it sounds.

I told someone who knows me well how I used The Joker to help develop a more charismatic personality. Her response was “Now that you mention it, that makes so much sense.”

Bane

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I swear I’m not a big comic book geek. I’m not really all too nerdy in general. I haven’t seen one of the original Star Wars movies since DVDs were invented. Nerd references are just easy to make. More people will know who Han Solo is than will ever know Cy Young, the most winning pitcher in baseball history. It’s important to be relatable and that’s something Bane taught me.

I become Bane whenever I feel like I need to appear tough or just correct my posture. Man that guy has some nice posture. Of course I look nothing like Bane and it’s really all in my head as is the case with anything else. So long as I feel like I’m an unstoppable tough guy, pretending like I am Bane will boost my confidence. The most important thing is I don’t begin talking like him because people may think I am disabled.

I never told anyone about this before but the fact I asked for a Bane mask for my birthday last year makes it a little obvious.

Chris Jericho/CM Punk

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As if pretending to be fake Batman villains wasn’t nerdy and embarrassing enough, now I’m going to tell you how I take social cues from professional wrestlers. CM Punk and Chris Jericho are essentially the same characters. They’re cocky, arrogant, and another synonym that means cocky and arrogant. I would never use those words to describe my own personality however adding a little bit of balls to who I am is a good thing.

The most valuable things I learned from these two gentlemen was how to stand with confidence in front of others while all eyes are on you. Calmly they can remain poised and expel their rhetoric to thousands of angry wrestling fans. Wrestling fans of course are only one step above NASCAR fans because the WWE fans also enjoy theatrics which takes some brain power.

I don’t think anyone knows I ever tried behaving like wrestlers but really is it that strange? They are after all at least digging into their own personalities somewhat. Even if their real names are Phil Brooks and Christopher Irvine and they only play characters on television, they are still people I can learn something from.

Have you ever used a movie or TV character to help you fix a personality flaw? Say yes. I don’t want to feel weird.

We have no cure for cancer. After millions of dollars being poured into research, nothing. I don’t even know how you would go about trying to find a cure. My mind still works the way people’s did in the Civil War, cut it off if there’s a problem. But we can’t have everyone running around with cut off breasts, testicles, and brains. Still, some diseases have cures. One horrific disease, boredom, has the perfect cure. That cure is visiting an online forum.

If you’ve never visited an online forum you’re either lying or have never tried to kill yourself. The people on the suicide forums aren’t nearly as interesting as you would think. I used to peruse them late at night. I’m not exactly sure why. Plans to kill myself never got further than looking up at tall buildings thinking it would hurt really bad if I fell off. I would still recommend everyone make an account on one of these forums at some point. Either to help out some sad poet or to feel better about yourself. I’m guilty of them both.

(More poets should be like Edgar Alan Poe. He only whined about his lost Lenore. Not about how hard it is to get out of bed for a well paying job everyday)

Most large websites have forums. They allow for fans, or in most cases enemies, of the sites to express their opinions and bully 12-year-olds who post there. I believe bullying was invented to be used on forums. It’s the great place to shit talk and make someone feel like they’re subhuman. You not only get to hide behind a computer screen, you also are able to publicly showcase your insults to the rest of the members. It’s like that saying, if you calling someone retarded for having a lame opinion and there’s no one else around to see your great insult, does it hurt as badly? I’m not sure what the answer is because I might have used a double negative. Point is, online forums are a great place to make people hate themselves.

Personally I have never been bullied on a forum. It’s probably because I always forget my passwords and never log back to see the responses. The few forums I have posted on though I have always felt stupid after doing so. Fitness forums can be pretty bad. It’s a bunch of meatheads with how much weight they can move in a certain way posted under their misspelled opinions. I’m sure most of these guys are as strong as they claim to be. It’s not like most are closeted homosexuals trying to impress other men on the Internet. Why else would they post YouTube videos of them squatting shirtless in shorts? Anyway, if you hate being bullied avoid asking any question on a fitness forum. You will be met with a thousand opinions by a hundred guys who date a mirror.

There are a few terms on forums that you may need to know incase you’re thinking about signing up for one. The first is Signature Picture. These are the images used at the bottom of every post made. One time I made a “Sig Pic” on a wrestling forum. I’m like Internet famous. I’m Tub Girl only more blurry and covered in less fecal matter. There’s also the term “Moderator” which is important on forums. This lets you know which members don’t have senses of humor or real jobs.

(Every time Undertaker27 tells you about his lame opinion, you can see me in the center in front of a lime green sign with a rope going in front of my face. At least this picture confirms I am a half-inch taller than my friend)

I’ve been a moderator on two forums in my life. Both were on websites that my friend created. The first was a professional wrestling based forum which went nowhere. The second was a pornography based forum which went nowhere. Here’s a tip, don’t have a website about porn without any actual porn. It really is like that old joke of getting Playboy for the articles. So few people joined that we began to create fake accounts to encourage new people to sign up. I didn’t even know anything about pornography. All I knew to do was use names like Amber and Xilda, the standard porn names. A few Arab guys joined but never discussed anything. But really, who wants to talk about porn? What would you even say? “Did you see the rack on that one? Boy she knows how to make a man smile!” Two people who I knew joined. One had red hair and the other was a girl with thyroid problems. You’re only as good as the company you keep–

Like with anything on the Internet, things are negative. Forums are no different. People just love to be assholes online. This makes me believe that people are assholes deep down inside. Give them an anonymous nickname, an avatar of Captain America with a large erection, a lifetime of never fitting in and you have a mean Internet troll. Never post something you’re proud of online. If it ever becomes big your ego will be destroyed within 5 minutes. Yeah, people will be talking about. But you’ll be the new Rebecca Black. Nobody wants to be the new Rebecca Black. That’s too much pressure. You have to live up to being such shit.

(This face makes me hate the beginning of the weekend)

Adding to my 2-time championship reign as a Versatile Blogger Award Winner, I have recently been the recipient of something called The Liebster Award. Liebster, a word that in German means “dear” or which roughly translates into “Non-Jew” in English, is a great honor to be called, I think.

The award was given to me by two wonderful individuals who could very well be the same person masking themselves under multiple identities. Michael Cargill and Random Female Blog both presented me with these awards on the same day. How about that? Winning two awards in one day. I’m like Avatar but I’m still good outside of a movie theater setting.

In order to claim my prize I must give each of them a lap dance, beat a grizzly bear in a game of tic tac toe, and nominate 5 other blogs who I deem worthy of this privileged award. There are so many blogs to choose from. What I want to do is make sure that a few blogs that I often check out get some publicity. They have flown under the radar at times and deserve some attention. Here they are, my Liebster Award Winners:

Mindwarpfx: My first subscriber I ever got to my blog. That isn’t why he’s winning this either. He gave me a blow job, that’s why. He does something I don’t, he researches his topics. He has the ability to rant without seeming angry, a problem that I have. He’s well-informed (or at least has fooled me into thinking so) and deserves this award just as much as anyone who has gone down on me.

End of the Game: Yet again another smart cookie. Sometimes I don’t understand what he writes about it’s so intelligent. He’s into science, philosophy, and psychology. He enjoys long walks on the beach and bare-knuckle boxing with loved ones. If I ever have a question about the universe, this is the guy that I would ask.

The Adventures of Tootsie Woo: She’s silly, out of the ordinary, and comes across as lovingly adorable. There’s no real theme to it except for an explanation of all of the daily adventures she gets herself into. I love the quotes from her parents. They’re fun and remind me of what it was like to have a happy family before I murdered them all.

Paul Before Swine: This is a new blog I have found and I’m too lazy to research anything else. What I’ve read of his so far was great. His first blog I read and most recent about The Shining hade me howling! Okay, that’s an over exaggeration, but it was  really damn funny. I expect great things from him. Don’t let me down asshole!

Prone to Uncontrollable Fits of Laughter: The title says it all. I should stop right now and not say anything else. I won’t though. This is a blog that is updated frequently and has a lot to offer to everyone. Unless you’re blind. They’re this blog is useless to you. My favorite of the posts are the “First World Problems” that are up there on occasion. It reminds me how much greater my life is than those filthy cave dwellers over in Sweden.

So those are the award winners. I hope you can check them out and enjoy them as much as I do. I also hope these bastards appreciate the free plug.

Congratulations to you all. Your prize is forever being immortalized in the Hall of Liebster Award Winners located in Tallahassee, Florida. Stop on in the next time you take a trip to Disney World.