Posts Tagged ‘college kids’

Fighting rules. I don’t care what anybody says. Seeing two men slug it out with their firsts, a couple arguing at a restaurant with their words, or a schizophrenic smashing his own head into a tree while his second personality dukes it out with his ninth is awesome. As cool as fighting is we’re told that it’s bad. We get suspended from school and asked to clean out our desks by the end of the afternoon when we do it. When two people can’t fight and get their rage out on each other something so terrible happens. They begin a war of passive aggressiveness. Going back and forth with snide comments, not being completely truthful about the problem at hand, and overall acting like children.

I don’t remember hearing the term passive aggressive until the last few years. The only thing I could relate it to would be the phrase “beat around the bush.” This doesn’t mean slugging ex-presidents in the face or bitch slapping a hairy vagina. The phrase conjures up the image of a man hitting a bush, as in shrub, with a long black stick. What it means is that you’re not being straightforward. You’re beating around the bush instead of doing the normal thing and jabbing the stick straight into the center of the bush to kill the squirrel. Beating around the bush and being passive aggressive solves nothing. All you’re left with is a bush missing its little green things. I refuse to call what a bush has leaves. If you can’t easily rake it into a pile and urinate on top knowing a child will later jump in, it’s not a true leaf.

(Guarantee one of these kids ends up having a tossed into the air cat turd land in their face)

Mostly the passive aggressive people I encounter are children. Not all of these “children” lack pubic hair and wear Donald Duck underpants still. A member of the children population to me is anyone who behaves the way you’d expect someone who still thinks you must pee inside of a woman’s butt to impregnate her would. Activities such as tattling, wearing shoes untied, and mistaking freckles for shit stains on their hands join in with being passive aggressiveness. These children will be angry at someone else. Instead of saying “That makes me angry because–” they’ll leave little hints about their displeasure because someone didn’t go to their dead parent’s funeral. My rule, if you never met the person then there’s no need to go to the funeral. I would hate it if people I didn’t like went to my death celebration. The only thing worse would be people I never even met. I swear, if someone I don’t know shows up at mine, I’m haunting them.

Every high school and college girl I know/have known is extremely passive aggressive. And like with the definition of children, my definition of girl is different from yours. A girl is anyone whose ass I could easily kick. My fighting style is mostly squirming and quick foot work. I can shuffle my feet with the best of them. Humans who lose to me in a fight have to be the outer shells of ovaries. I think girls this age are passive aggressive because they still have hope that one day everyone will like them. At a certain age, women stop giving a shit if they’re liked or not. They are no longer passive aggressive, as much. When someone pisses them off they’ll tell that person how angry they are. Then they get put in a nursing home and the rest of the family lives burden free. Kind of sad, but at least now you understand why so many young women can be cruel.

(Joan Rivers is 211 years old and isn’t afraid to tell you that she does not like you. All she fears is losing her heavenly voice)

Facebook is the home to a lot of passive aggressiveness. Instead of telling your ex how much you hope they die, people will post song lyrics. Songs about being hurt but how you’re a stronger person without them around. I hate songs like this. I don’t need to be reminded that Sting has relationship trouble. What’s that say for my future when he has thoughts of failure? He’s fucking Sting! He has a wrestler named after him. Muhammed Ali would frequently mention his name during taunting interviews explaining his abilities. A more sane thing to do to get back at someone is not publicly post about how much of a wimp you are. Why are people online so obsessed with letting everyone know about their emotions? This is why art sucks so much. We pass up on creating something beautiful and use our anger to complain or post frowny faces. The only time you should post a frowny face is when you want to let people know you’ve just had a stroke.

The best thing to do when people are being passive aggressive is to tell them to cut it out. Let them know they you get it, they’re mad. The problem is we’re so afraid of failure. Our own fears of failure mean we assume others will hate that failure. We’re nice enough that we don’t actually tell that person how much they suck. So we do it in a passive aggressive way. That ends up helping nothing. Next time someone screws up and does something that makes you angry, get angry. Passive aggressiveness is an oxymoron. You’re being aggressive yet passive about it all. What’s the keyword in oxymoron anyway? It’s moron. And that’s what you are. A moron with the social skills of an ox.

(Hey look, even an ox takes on their problems head-on. What’s your excuse?)

I am getting old. Yes, 24 isn’t that old. It feels it though. There are people on MTV dating shows 6 years younger than me. I was already getting picked on in first grade when these people were popping out of their mothers. 18-year-old girls are almost off-limits for me. It’s getting to a point where I’m creepy to them. It happened so fast too. I remember when I was 20 and 18-year-olds thought I was the man. They assumed I had my shit together and that made me cool in their high school eyes. I still don’t have my shit together and I’m worrying that people are about to notice. I can only hide for so long that I haven’t achieved a single thing in life worth bragging about.

(Gia is worth bragging about. Gia’s mother’s life is empty though. She hasn’t achieved much that she has to brag that Gia can count backwards quickly)

The idea that the thought of “21-year-olds are so disrespectful. When I was that age I was nicer to older people. I showed them respect” popped into my head recently scares me. When I was that age? When I was that age nothing in the world was different. That was barely 3 years ago. Still, I believe it to be true. 21-year-olds aren’t nearly as polite to me as I was to 24-year-olds when I was that age. They’re standoffish and cocky. They don’t come to me for advice or think of me as their older brother. No. Instead they’re too busy getting girls that I should be getting. Stupid 21-year-olds. You shouldn’t have all this figured out yet!

It’s safe to say that all 21-year-olds are pretty damn stupid. I can say that. I was 21 at one point. An entire year! Everything I did was stupid. Do you know how I got less stupid? I listened to what older people had to say. Without knowing it, they helped guide me into the confused 24-year-old I am right now. I would be even more lost in the world if it wasn’t for their semi-help. The problem with people who are 21 is that they’re far away enough from living under the tyranny of high school but also haven’t really lived in the real world. Yes, it’s annoying to have to call the power company. It’s part of growing up. I am always being called sir. I hate when cute girls do it. It makes me feel like I could be their father. Making me think that makes me think about time travel then I get nervous. What if she is my daughter? She traveled back in time to meet me then tried offering me a free water bottle if I signed up for some stupid contest.

If you’re 21 and reading this, you’re probably furious. I know, I know. You’ve got it all handled. May I suggest though that you print this out and put it in a time capsule? Open it in 3 years and realize how little things still make sense. Sure, you’ll be a little smarter and wiser. You’ll also probably hate the newest drinkers at the bars. It’s always easy to hate people younger than you. Especially when they’re 21. Nobody at 21 accomplishes a thing. All you do is drink and try to convince yourself that the meaning of life is moments away from entering your brain. Sorry, but it’s not. You’re in for a whole hell lot more of confusion and frustration. Welcome to the rest of your life, slowly watching your body decay.

(Sid Vicious has being 21 all figured out. He managed to kill himself before reaching 22)

I’m never a good example for anything. I’m too nice of a person. My dad’s old password for AOL was “timisgoo” which was supposed to be “tim is good” but he insisted that the “d” would go over the 16 character password limit. I was such a good kid that being good was what my dad associated with me above all else. I always show respect to others. I hold doors, once helped a woman move a carpet, and never over stay my welcome. I’ve only pinched one girl’s butt and she didn’t even notice. She was a descendant of Winston Churchill’s, you kinda-gotta pinch it. That’s why I don’t blame anyone who is 21 for being such a cock. I’m so incredibly good that by comparison, everyone seems like a disrespectful ass.

This is all I want from 21-year-olds. Don’t be loud. That simple. Don’t be so incredibly loud and invasive that I notice you. You can be as mean and rude as you want. You’re young and can get away with it. But don’t be loud. Give my ears a break from you. Destroy the rest of my senses as much as you would like. Have gross offensive to the eyes hair, don’t bathe frequent enough where I can smell it, and touch me inappropriately. I don’t know how one would go about invading my taste buds. I think I have tasted a 21-year-old at one point and I don’t remember them ever tasting badly. She was quite rude though. She told me that I kissed too fast and to keep my hat on. Picky! Picky!

(The only thing from 1991 worth acknowledging)