Posts Tagged ‘college’

College kids are lame. There’s a reason why men on Craigslist always want college girls to come over and give them a massage. These creepy men know only an idiot would do such an uncomfortable thing. My time in college was pretty lousy. I wasn’t a film major as this title may suggest because my community college knew we weren’t good enough to stick with anything filmed over 22 minutes so they called the major TV/Radio. The thing is I meet a lot of film majors in my life whether current or graduated. Today I categorize film majors into the personalities and traits they have. Like the films they tend to make, they’re not very original.

1) The Artist – Nobody likes an artsy person despite what you may think. The only reason artsy people have friends is because they have no shame and they’re a good coat-tail to ride. Hanging around with an artsy person means you can meet other people who hate them as much as you do. The artist sees films as that, art. They’re pretentious and their attempts at being original confuse everyone. But they took a risk and they’re good at filming things in black & white so the teacher at least gives them some respect.


(The second image to come up on Google when typing “artistic college student.” As you can see, college kids have no artistic talent. Those flowers don’t even look like vaginas)

2) The Fan – This person became a film major because they love movies. For their birthday they got an AMC gift card and when they were 18 they lost their virginity to the center of a DVD. Some of their ideas are okay but most of all they want to be Siskel or Ebert without the cancer. They’d be better suited as an English major where they can learn how to write better and like other English majors, waste their time.


(Robert Deniro once took his fandom too far in a film called The Fan. Then he did it again this year with football and nobody seems to point out it’s the same movie with a different sport)

3) The Hot Chick – Why would a hot chick ever want to be a film major? I think when these fall through the cracks it’s a requirement for them to fill a class. Plus she’s insecure and knows everyone in the class will fawn over her. Her insecurity comes from when her dad used to film her play Robin Hood naked in the basement with her brother so she’s really trying to get back at the camera. Hot chicks who are interested in film should become actresses. Leave the creativity for guys like your child molesting dad.


(In a film class this chick is Scarlett Johansson)

4) The Average-Ugly Chick/Butch Lesbian – This makes up 90% of female film majors. What is it with lesbians wanting to make movies? You got Boys Don’t Cry and everything with Hilary Swank. The worst thing about dealing with these girls is you have to pretend like their idea isn’t bad. It’s rare a woman ever comes up to me with an idea and I think it’s brilliant. The biggest problem is women like to tell stories about themselves on film and quite frankly nobody wants to hear the story of some 20 year old girl’s life. Oh you love Twilight and your boyfriend hits you. Take a class on writing shorthand and fetch me my coffee.


(See, she’s fucking thrilled. She even has a state-of-the-art phone in her business)

5) The One Hit Wonder – When it comes to film majors these are the people who usually are the most normal. They’re really good at one aspect of filmmaking and the rest is a total fail. The biggest problem in my lessons in school was the teacher had to pretend we all potential to be good at every aspect. If he was an honest man he would have told the artist to pitch an original idea, have the fan check to make sure it hasn’t been done before then dumb it down, force the hot chick into starring in the thing, and then hand the ugly girls boom mics and tell them to stay out of everyone’s way. We probably could have made a good film if we all worked together. Instead we got 12 pieces of shit only highlighting our one skill. My skill of course was how great I was at not knowing what plugs went where.


(Put any electronical equipment in front of me and this is what I see)

6) The Time Waster – Have you ever met someone who you know is wasting their time on whatever it is they’re doing? Take a class on television and you will find a million of them, even if the class size is 6. There are so many people out there who think their ideas are so brilliant that it has to be on TV. Hey, I’m probably one of them. Specifically the time waster has no redeeming qualities and they’re usually pretty bossy. I find the best way to deal with a time waster, no matter what subject you’re supposed to learn about is to do a really piss poor job at whatever you task is and ruin any hopes they have of being the next Jenny Jones. The Time Waster makes me wish we lived in Roman days where they decided your job for you. The Time Waster’s job would be something involving human centipedes testing, at least I would hope so.


(Look how big this empire was. The Romans had the right idea on how to do things. Kill the weak and feed grapes to the strong)

What’s your least favorite college major? Mine would be photojournalists. I don’t like people who go to school to write captions.

A few weeks ago I recorded a podcast with some friends I went to Community College with. We hadn’t seen each other in about 5 years. The only thing that changed was we all got uglier and angrier and they have debt because they continued their education. I know the word Podcast is almost as cringe-worthy as the phrases “A pedophile just moved in next door” or “Ladies and gentleman your new president of the United States, Sara Palin” or “The Hulk Hogan sex tape won’t turn off” but I assure you this was very professionally done. The equipment was great and because of that this was recorded while sitting on the floor.

I implore you to give this a shot. Put it on as background noise while you do something else like reading blogs or telling your kids to shut up. If you have a YouTube account it would also mean a lot to me if you left a comment saying how wonderful I was. I give them credit, somehow they made my voice sound tolerable.

Here is the YouTube link where you can listen to the first half. But the second half is actually really good and the last 10 minutes is basically an interview on me about my book and how much people hate me.

And here you can download the entire episode.

How do you make a friend in college? Same as anywhere else. You talk to them, earn their trust, share a deep secret about yourself, learn a deep secret about them, use them for a couple of car rides, threaten them with exposing their deep secret if they don’t let you copy their homework, admit your deep dark secret wasn’t true anyway when they threaten to do the same, and always high-five them when you spot each other on campus. It’s much the same as anywhere else. The hardest part of making friends is starting a conversation. That’s where the key to college friendships lies. The college conversation starter, asking someone about their major.

My college major was Radio/TV. I figured I listen to the radio and I watch TV. It’s destiny. All I remember about radio is the term “boxcar” which is something that nobody has to do anymore due to the fact that computers play all the songs. All I remember about TV class was white balancing and making sure the tripod was straight by having a little bubble be inside of a larger bubble. I was so bad at these classes that I only got A’s when it was mandatory to give an A if you did what you were told. During one filming session I was in charge of the camera. I had no idea how to use it and after an amazing 30 minutes of shooting the director went back to listen to it. No sound. I had plugged the chord into the wrong place. I blamed the cute actress who I’m pretty sure caught me peeing in the woods.

(Somewhere in here Dick Clark is waiting to die. That’s what we in the humor business call a callback joke! Too bad it took a few days)

I never made too many friends in college outside of the majors I had. Most of the kids were pretty weird. There was one girl I tried to make friends with. I made a joke about killing a dog and she laughed. I really wish I remembered what it was because never have I made a girl cackle like that before or again. I think she’s quarterback for the Eagles now. She was going to school for nursing. That’s about as far as we talked. We were in a group and I asked her what her major was. She said nursing. I said mine. Then we kind of sat there staring at each other and I added her on Myspace 5 months after classes ended. At least she accepted. Did she even know who I was? Probably not. She called me Tom at least twice.

 (She was one letter off and look how close the “i” and the “o” are. I forgive you tiny blonde girl)

It makes sense that such a boring topic would be the conversation starter for college kids. In general, people in college are pretty boring. At least us non-college kids can talk about our Target credit card bills and check engine lights. Kids in college don’t have those things in their life. It’s all about whatever their majoring in. That is their life. If you’re going to school for nursing, all you talk about are stethoscopes and diarrhea. Those majoring in philosophy quote dead Romans who believed the sun revolved around a flat earth. You know, guys who really had worldly knowledge despite never leaving their county or province. Students who say they major in anything that involve computers spend most of their time playing World of Warcraft. They don’t consider it a time waster. They say it’s research.

Even while not talking to other students, college kids are asked what their major is by adults. “You go to Shitface University? What’s your major?” could be an example of what someone might say to a college student upon finding out that they are a Rutgers student. Nobody really cares about what your major is. They always give the same reaction. They head pull back, possibly to the side, eyebrows raised, followed by an “Ohhh that sounds interesting” despite it never being. Unless your major involves flapping your asshole in my face and you are a hot college girl, I don’t really care what it is you’re studying.

After retiring from college no longer will people ask you what your major is. Now they ask you what you do. What I do is hope that someone I’m related to wins the lottery and I can just sit around getting fat until the day I die. That’s really what I’m doing. Through all of the work I’m only doing it in hopes that I somehow begin the butterfly effect that causes this rhetorical family member to win a jackpot. If you believe in the butterfly effect, as in a butterfly flapping it’s wings could cause a hurricane somewhere else, you have to believe that you might be responsible for the Japanese tsunamis last year. Really, that happened last March. I was pretty stuffy last March. Blowing my nose all the time. I claim ownership over the death of all of those Japanese people. That is if you believe in the butterfly effect which isn’t even what the film Butterfly Effect is about. Pretty poorly titled considering they mean different things.

(When will we hold butterflies accountable for all of the deaths caused in natural disasters? Go out and kill one today. You’ll save a lot of lives)

Only again will someone ask you about your major when they find out that you went to the same school. Or if they’re a nosey bitch. You might find yourself years out of school with some mustached retard at work claiming he also went to Shitface State, archrival of Shitface University. You’ll find out that you graduated the same year then he’ll ask you what your major was. Like that changes anything. You still didn’t know each other back then. It’s just something he’s saying to get into your pants. I don’t care if you’re both straight guys. If the conversation ever gets that horrendously non-eavesdrop worthy it means someone is trying to do something to someone else’s butt.

I guarantee one person from my Facebook who attended Rutgers University clicked on this. Thank you for doing so. Thank you so much for never reading anything I have written and only clicking on this because you saw your alma mater here. I so appreciate you thinking outside of yourself.

For those you not familiar with Rutgers University, consider yourselves lucky. Let me explain to you what it is exactly. I’m sure you can relate. Basically it’s that one college in the area that everyone seems to go to. I’m sure you have a version of it near you. A college that everyone seems to go to and nobody ever seems to go onto anything better after graduating? Basically it’s that college where you know the people only got in there because their parents could afford it over sending them to community college.

The main nickname people have for Rutgers is Slutgers. It’s clever because you see, it rhymes and sluts are bad. The only girls who ever call someone a slut are sluts themselves. The only guys who ever call someone a slut are guys who never get laid. To be fair, it does have one of the highest rates of sexually transmitted diseases of universities in the United States. That’s quite an accomplishment. Do you know how much sex must go on there for that to happen? I take it back. Calling it Slutgers is the most accurate thing you could ever call it.

I know a lot of people who went to school there. Most of them gave me that old “Hey, I know you’re going to community college and all, but I want to keep in touch! I’ll make my way into the inner circle of a group of college friends and then invite you to parties. We’ll be friends forever.” and then they never talked to me ever again. The school was maybe 40 minutes away, if that. I couldn’t get invited to one awful party and flirt with one obese girl at a party? I still like to tell myself nobody invites me to parties because they know I’d totally be the center of attention. You could only tell yourself that so much until you start to realize that’s a false idea.

But this isn’t about a college of mediocrity. A college where if the teams finish with an even record it’s considered great. This is about the bumper stickers on the backs of cars. Maybe because I never went to a University I never felt the need to share my life with others on the back of my car. Especially not the need to brag about where I shelled out $30,000 a semester. It’s one of those things I will never understand. The need to let strangers know about you. That’s how children get kidnapped! We were always told never to have your name on your book bag because a stranger would see it, say “Hey Tim, your mom was in a really bad car accident. I’m her friend, Bruce. She wants me to take you to her.” Of course I would never fall for this. The first is that my mom never picked me up from school so why would she send some friend I had never heard of before to do it? The second is that my mom was an extreme anti-Semite. She would never befriend a creepy Jewish man named Bruce. Nice try pedophile. You’re not diddling me any time soon.

I see a lot of cars around my work and hometown with Rutgers bumper stickers. Not so much where I live. I don’t think people where I live ever go to college. Or get off welfare. For some reason everyone with a Rutgers bumper sticker thinks they’re hot-to-trot. They drive fast, they don’t use turn signals, gonorrhea seems to be shooting out the windows of their cars. There’s some stigma about them. I know not everyone from this college is a total waste of space. It’s only the ones with the bumper stickers. The big red R’s. I hate them so much. I won’t go into a big thing about how their nickname is The Scarlett Knights and then point out the obvious that a Knight wearing the color Scarlett never once in the history of the world stood in New Brunswick, New Jersey. Or I just did.

The only good thing about these bumper stickers are that they’re a warning to stay away. I know to expect sudden stops. Left hand turns at signs that say “No Left Turns” are imminent. To these people, Yield means stop completely and hold up traffic. What are they teaching people at this school? This is also the same school where I think it was about a year or two ago that a gay student was filmed by his roommate having gay sex with another man. It was broadcast online. The kid proceeded to jump off a bridge due to the embarrassment. Sure, it’s embarrassing. But now you don’t have to go through the harsh moment of actually saying the words “I’m gay” to people who won’t accept you. Nothing could be more brave than to continue living your life. Letting yourself get distraught over this sends a really bad message to others in the same situation as you. It’s like saying “I’m gay and I know it’s wrong.” They’re also trying to convict the two students responsible for filming it. I won’t get into a long rant about how shitty that is and that it’s not their fault that someone else is so embarrassed about who they are that they’re willing to kill themselves over it. What if it was a straight guy was filmed having sex with a fat chick? Eddie Murphy got caught with a transsexual. What’d he do to make us forget about it? He made a lot of bad movies ever since. We forgot about it. Get over yourself. You live in a country that is so wonderful that you can have gay sex and not die be killed because of it. Other parts of the world you’d be stoned in the face. Quit complaining. Children die of starvation every day. You call yourself a “liberal” and “open minded” yet all you care about is yourself and your own wants and desires. Go fuck yourself college kids. Rutgers or wherever it is you go.

I didn’t stay much on topic which is probably for the best. There wasn’t much to say about a lousy red bumper sticker in the first place. All I wanted to really say through all of this is that I don’t care where you go to college. It doesn’t make you better or worse than anyone else. We all end up dead. Having a class ring from a certain place isn’t going to do you much good then will it?

What was it that Izzy used to say?

Red Cups

Posted: November 5, 2011 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

If Jesus had been born in the 1980s, the Holy Grail would be a red cup. Indiana Jones would team up with his father in order to find this red cup. They’d be able to find it much easier too. I don’t think plastic can decompose very well in landfills. The movie would have been 12 minutes. Thank Jesus’s dad that he wasn’t born during the height of Madonna.

Sometimes I’ll buy red cups. They’re big, clumsy, and not very attractive. Most of the people who I see using red cups are big, clumsy, and not very attractive. When they wear red shirts, it looks like a giant red cup holding another smaller red cup. Sort of like a mother holding an infant. It’s cute. And that’s why even though girls holding red cups are annoying, I can still tolerate them due to the fact they remind me of a mama kangaroo with its Joey.

When I use red cups, they’re mostly for milk. I drink a lot of milk. I’ll never get prostate cancer. That’s not that great of a strategy. I’m going to have to get a finger up my butt at some point. Mine as well have prostate cancer if that’s going to happen. I should probably stop drinking so much milk. Drinking milk to help prevent prostate cancer and still getting a finger up your butt is kind of gay. The other people I see with red cups use them for alcohol. I’m not sure why a red cup is necessary for an alcoholic beverage. It’s all too cloak and dagger for me. I like to know what the person standing next to me wearing sunglasses inside is drinking. At least, I want to know the color. I could always hover over the glass, but what if they’re taller than me? Or if they hold their arm up really high like girls do to signify “I’m having fun.” Men never raise their arms when they have fun. Unless they’re going in for a high-five. Then it’s worth it!

I remember once being at a party. It doesn’t matter how long ago or how much of a sausage fest it was. You don’t need to know those facts. What you do need to know, is that one of the whore-make-up-wearing girls there complained that instead of red cups, we had blue cups. This rubbed her the wrong way. Blue must not show up well in pictures that are placed online that will get her fired.