Posts Tagged ‘cool jobs’

As promised to the 0 people who were anticipating the follow-up, here is the list of things I have kicked ass at this past year.

A Cool Job:

I have a 9-5 job and it’s actually cool. I make *enough* money and I’m pretty much the as the Spanish would call it, grande queso. I had no experience going into the job other than not lying on my resume like the other people who applied. Now I get to play with dogs and get yelled at for not posting enough on Facebook. I even am getting to write my own “The Onion” style newspaper for work and asked my boss if I can do video editing, which I will get paid overtime for. So basically when I’m not blogging here it’s because I’m getting paid to do similar things elsewhere. The coolest thing is that I used to get in trouble for doing the same things I get paid to do now. Okay I’m beginning to brag. But really my job is pretty cool and I’m very lucky.

cool job(I take it back. My job isn’t this therefore it sucks)

I Haven’t Gotten Too Fat:

I really have no clue what shape I am in compared to last year. I think I’m in less good of shape because we have pizza too much at work. Here I am talking about work like it’s all I do. I do other things too like leave work and go there. I’m in a state where I can either have nice legs and arms with a disgusting excuse for a midsection or look hungry all of the time. That’s just the way my body works. But I haven’t gotten too fat, I know that much. Success!

cartoon_chef_4b(When I look in the mirror this is what I see minus the badass hat)

I Made 2 Friends:

This is going to sad real sad so it makes up for the me bragging earlier. I made 2 friends this year. Not only that, I haven’t made a single friend in the last 5 years. Well, I have. I just didn’t keep any for very long. I think I tend to wear on people or kill them. Who knows? I made a few other friends this year and none lasted. The two friends I did make were via Craigslist and both would be in my Top 8 on MySpace.

top8(I’d probably bump Alan and C-Dawg for them. Neither wished me a happy birthday)

I Really Don’t Care About Stupid Things Anymore:

Okay I’m lying. I do care about stupid things a lot. Fortunately I care about them slightly less. Like so what if someone doesn’t find me pretty? It’s their loss! Right? Maybe not. I guess what I should really say here is while I still question a lot I am very sure of myself. I know my opinion matters and is valuable. I know–not much else. That’s all that matters though, that I know one thing.

Grand Opening Of Kardashian Khaos At The Mirage Hotel & Casino(Here are some stupid things I never once cared about)

I Am Making Money Writing:

Aside from coming up with clever and cute things to say on Facebook, I get paid for writing my Yahoo articles. I was even honored as one of the top contributors. Top 500 contributors. I wanted to leave out the 500 because that makes it seem like any jackass can win it. Still, it’s cool to finally earn a few bucks from writing about sometimes things I want to write about.

No Picture Just Click on the Link

I’m Generally Happy:

As I type this alone in a dark bedroom with a Band-Aid on my thumb sitting on the bed because I have no couch, icing my knee and ankle due to constant pain, starving myself because I may have gotten too fat, listening to a baby cry outside on a Sunday night before work, it’s hard for me to be too depressed. I mean I really would rather not go to work tomorrow and all. Sleeping in and relaxing tomorrow sounds so much better. I can complain, but I shouldn’t. I have a pretty good idea where I am going in life and it’s not the worst place. I’m not stagnant and sometimes that’s all we can hope for. Awww. That was kind of sweet in an insulting way to anyone reading this in a stagnant place in life.

Married-couple(Stagnant people where life has become predictable)

Sometime in mid-July I had a really bad back cyst pop up. Maybe this was even closer to the beginning of July. I don’t exactly track my back cysts like a slutty girl tracks her periods to make sure she’s not pregnant or menopausing early. At first I thought this was nothing more than a mega-pimple because I had a pimple in that spot for a while already. The position of this cyst was in the one place on my back I couldn’t possibly latch onto and pop so that’s why I let what I thought was a pimple just sit there instead of popping it early on. At one point I noticed the object growing and soon after I would enter some kind of hell.

I forget what happened that week, but it was a particularly bad one. I wasn’t getting any replies from any jobs I applied for and having nothing planned for the rest of my life was starting to get to me. Then this cyst came along and not only did it grow, it became tender and painful. I tried to pop it and got a little bit of the puss out. If you have ever dealt with a cyst you will know it smells terrible. It’s like farting into the mouth of someone with bad breath then having them suck on your nose. Why you would ever do this is a mystery to me, but I try not to judge.

Clearly I was not going to be able to get all of the puss out so I looked for other solutions online like I should have in the first place. It was then that I realized I was definitely dealing with a cyst and not a simple pimple. I discovered quickly that the worst thing you can do for a cyst is pop it because this can lead to an infection and cause the thing to grow even larger when it comes back for vengeance. The two best remedies I found online were to put ice on it to reduce swelling and to compress a hot wash cloth on it to get the cyst to drain. It’s like how they tell you to always be nice to women but how women only respond to you when you’re mean to them but when you are too mean they say they wish you were nicer. It was very confusing advice.

Happy Woman in Meadow(“He told me to go fuck myself. I’m so in love.” – a confusing woman)

I spent about 4 days lying in bed trying to treat my cyst which at this point became so painful that when a shirt touched it I would start crying. At first I tried icing it and got no results so I switched to the heated wash cloth. I would lie on this hot wash cloth while watching Parks and Recreation on Netflix partly wishing I would die and partly thinking I already had. A little red bump on a back should not get this out of hand and be this painful.

A new week began and the cyst was still there, bigger and redder than before. Then things turned around completely. I finally got called in for a job interview. After stuttering through the brief interview process and bringing nothing to the table, I was asked to come back later in the week where I was given an immediate promotion that included more hours, my own office, and higher pay. The only downside is I think a few of my coworkers may hate me because part of the job is going on Facebook. I shouldn’t care though because having people hate you isn’t nearly as bad as having a painful back cyst.

As soon as I was hired I noticed something happen to my back cyst. It was draining on its own and after two weeks all signs of it were gone. The pain went away and my back has returned to looking like a normal 40 year old man’s back. I think I know the moment it began too. I leaned against something on the train and felt an incredibly pain in my back then a peace. It was better than my first orgasm because this didn’t involve apologizing to my grandma for ruining her sweater.

 grandma(And yet she still wears the sweater…)

So where am I now? My back cyst is gone and I have a job I kind of like. I mean, I haven’t been there all too long and I still have the chance to hate it, but for now it’s nice. The only downside so far is that I have less time to do things I really enjoy doing and I’m exhausted all of the time. I slept 12 hours the Friday night after my first full week. I am getting more exercise though as I have to walk about three miles total each day I work so this is an excuse to eat more.

The best part about the job though is that I get to be around dogs. I’m not around them as much the other people there, but they do occasionally come into the office to hang out with me.












This isn’t what I would like to do for the rest of my life, but for now it’s pretty darn good. Then again, this might just be post-back cyst pleasure talking.