Posts Tagged ‘david hyde pierce my asshole’

I want to continue a subject I was talking about during my last post, people I meet at the bar I go to. This time however I do not want to make fun of drunks. They’re too sad and lonely. Instead we will gather around and mock the people who work in the hotel/bar that I frequent. Unlike the last post, I see these people way too often where I am able to get some photos for you.

Mean Jill: She’s the bossman, the big cheese, the duchess of evil. To save confusion from her and Bartender Jill, Rob and I refer to her as Mean Jill for the simple fact she is incredibly mean. Not really mean. Like she’s never done a single thing mean to us. She just has a redhead’s scowl. She’s in charge and wants everyone to know it. She’s been engaged to the same man for 8 years. I met her fiancé once and I swear she’s got larger testicles than he does.

Cleaning Lady: My new favorite character I see way too often. Rob walked in on her cleaning the bathroom one time. Instead of saying “Hey buddy, I’m cleaning here. Can you wait a moment?” She yelled “I clean!” I did the same thing about a month later. She again yelled “I clean!” at me and I was chased away. It’s happened a few times since and I think she’s starting to recognize us. She’s a chubby old Mexican woman who likes everyone to know what she does best, she cleans!

(“I clean! I clean! 5 minutes! Only you!” – the only English she knows)

The Penguin: This man works the late shift at the front desk. His nickname comes from his facial resemblance to a penguin. His voice is very “bird which cannot fly” as well. He seems like a nice enough guy. My only worry is one day I got shot with an umbrella gun.

(The Penguin I know looks a lot happier than this. Probably because nobody ever checks into a Princeton hotel at 2 in the morning)

Twisty aka Curly Boy: For some reason Bartender Jill always calls Twisty “Curly Boy.” This shows you that she has been working around alcohol for too long. Twisty got his nickname from the time he tried to open up a jar. We began to stare at him and he went into the back room to try to open it. Still he had no luck. Forever jokes about him being unable to twist anything open have flown around. We haven’t seen him in a few months now. Rumor has it he can’t figure out how to get past the doorknob.

The Waitresses: There are no real interesting ones currently but there was Fez, Dr. Nathan, Jimmy O’Fallon (a redheaded woman who looks very Irish), the ghoul (a very ghoulish looking girl with a pot belly), Samantha Scully (her real name, feel free to add her on Facebook, she denied me), and a few more without interesting made-up backstories.

Stoneface: A woman whose only job was to wear a white dress and never change her facial expression. She was definitely half Eskimo and half Easter Islander. I’m thinking her face got stuck in stone form after looking Mean Jill in the eyes.

(I haven’t seen Stoneface in a while. I think she’s appearing on Ancient Aliens now while Giorgio Tsoukalos insists she was built by extraterrestrials)

Brian Cashman’s Daughter aka Virginia: Nepotism reigns supreme here. A lowly waitress someone managed to become the daytime manager. How? She’s the general manager of the hotel’s daughter. After seeing her almost weekly for two years she never said anything to Rob or I until Clint Eastwood’s famous chair speech. All she said was how brilliant he was and that she too thinks chairs are people.

Trish aka The Elephant Man: She doesn’t look like The Elephant Man but boy howdy does she talk like him. Rob had a thing for her and talked to her a bit. She ended up getting pregnant and cutting her hand on a half-opened can when she tried to finish opening it with her palm. Something tells me her kid will be lucky to be anything like the Elephant Man if he has to deal with this nitwit as his mother.

(Apparently when Trish got pregnant it started to grow into her face)

CJ: Is there anyone in your life who is so incredibly friendly you always avoid eye contact with them so you don’t have to talk to them? This is CJ. He’s the only live music they ever have anymore which is okay because he’s not bad. He could learn more than that one Lifehouse song. I’m also sick of hearing The Counting Crows. If Ellen Degeneres was a male musician who received his payment in French fries, she would be CJ.

The German Lady: Sometimes a bartender, other times she stands around in the door leading to the kitchen not doing much at all. The first time I met her she had an English accent. The second time I did she had a German accent. Every time since, she has had no accent. Rob and I made up that her back story is she uses a different accent depending upon what job she is working. She’s a German bartender, a French waitress, and a Swedish chef. She’s so important in my life that all of my “passcodes” at work are inspired by her.

(Pimple scars and all, I don’t mind The German Lady. She’s probably best when she’s a chef but it’s still nice to see her work the bar on occasion)

Tell me about some dopes who work at a place you frequently go to. I recently purchased a plane and I’m going to fly them all into the sun.