Posts Tagged ‘death’

Since the Doomsday Clock refuses to cooperate with mankind and the world will most certainly end on August 9, 2012; I have decided to prepare you for the end. With my help, over the next week or so I will guide you through the 5 Stages of Death.

This was another installment of poorly constructed Microsoft Paint pictures.

One day the world will end. No matter what you believe in this is fact. Something 6,000 years old, like earth, cannot possibly last too much longer. Armageddon is nearing. A homeless guy with a sign told me so. He believes that the end is nigh so badly that he was willing to take the door off his home and write about it in his own feces to warn others. Of course the door to his home is a cardboard sign. I think it used to be a Cap’n Crunch box. What he couldn’t tell me was how everything would come to an end. That’s my mission today. To scare paranoid people.

The most obvious way the world will end is like that movie The Happening. Flowers and trees will convince people to commit suicide. I don’t get how a patch of grass could ever control somebody’s survival instincts. What a bad movie. M. Night shouldn’t be allowed to make movies without ghosts. And Bruce Willis has to get shot by a naked guy in the bathroom in the opening scene to all of these. It’s the perfect formula to a memorable movie.

(From the film The Sixth Sense when Patrick Swayze suffocates himself with the palm of his own hand)

Actually, I think the most plausible way for the world to end would be a meteor. It happened before. Millions of years ago. It crashed into the Yucatan Peninsula which is located right next to Mexico. Darn! Poor meteor travels all this way to take out Mexico and it just misses. We’re probably due for a meteor to crash into us. Occasionally they do smash into earth and cause inconvenience. I know there was a bad one in Russia around 100 years ago. It burned down a forest. So a meteor’s impact is about as powerful as a man chucking a cigarette out the window into a pile of leaves. When did the power of a meteor decline so badly? You used to kill dinosaurs and The Flinstones. Get your act together meteorites! You’re an embarrassment to all things catastrophic.

Floods, fires, diseases, and volcanic eruptions are the boring ways for us all to die. Floods sound too thirst quenching. Fires can be prevented by stop, dropping, and rolling. Catching a deadly disease means you need to stop shaking so many hands. And the only volcanic eruption we need to worry about is the one in Yosemite. Supposedly that entire National Park is something called a super volcano. Don’t let the word super fool you. Usually super means good. Like Superman or Super Fresh. A super volcano does not rescue orphans or offer great weekly deals. It explodes then causes a chain reaction of other calamities. My knowledge of Yosemite may or may not come from the movie 2012. Best part of that movie, nothing bad happened to Africa. That’s where they say that they were going to head off to. I’m sure those Warlords will be thrilled to see John Cusack show up with the wealthiest white people in the world.

(The African Welcoming Committee, headed by Joseph Francis Kony)

More recently it has been thought that computers may kill us all. If anything the computers will make us all sterile. We’re more likely to have a Children of Men on our hands than a Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines. Can’t we always defeat them by throwing water or coffee onto the robots? I can’t even sweat onto a keyboard without it giving me problems. Some believe that it will not necessarily be big giant cyborgs attacking us. The more likely scenario would be that every electronic device breaks. We’ll be scrambling around to find solar-powered toasters. Probably start eating each other out of our lack of crispy morning treats. Pillsbury will be out of business. I guess we won’t care too much. The only way they’d be able to advertise at that point is via billboard. We’ll all be too busy unwrapping television cords from around our children’s necks to take notice of the latest marketing scheme.

There are more science fiction-type ways for the world to come to a conclusion. Things like alien invasions or nuclear holocausts. It would be kind of funny if we use our nukes to kill the aliens but it kills us all at the same time. Funny probably isn‘t the correct word but I‘m running out of steam here. The likely hood of aliens invading seems to me like it would have already happened by now. Aliens never procrastinate. A nuclear holocaust is very likely. I would place a bet that this is how the world will eventually come to an end. Is it wrong to gamble on the extinction of the human race? I’m over 21 so it’s probably legal.

(Say what you want, this is a gorgeous way for us to all die)

How do you hope the world ends? I’d mark out for a zombie uprising. The way you kill zombies always tips everyone off on how creative of a person you are.

It seems like every time I visit Yahoo or try to engage a prostitute in small talk after sex I find out that a new celebrity has died. It’s amazing how many of them are dying. I’d explain to you why it is right now, but then this would be one paragraph. Let me try to put together a few more before giving the obvious answer to a lame question.

The reason why celebrities seem to be dying so frequently is that everyone is a celebrity now. More than ever you too can become famous. Back in 1920 or so, there weren’t nearly as many celebrities. Charles Lindbergh, Woodrow Wilson, and Kaiser Wilhelm were the top names to grace the covers of the celebrity gossip magazines. With a limited amount of media back then most celebrities were politicians or people who actually achieved something. Now all you need is a popular YouTube video or to share a last name with someone with a popular YouTube video. No longer does blood need to be shed for you to be wildly known. Why do you think John Wilkes-Booth killed Lincoln? Was it political? No! He was an actor trying to get his name out there.

(What a bad headshot. Doesn’t he know all actors are supposed to smile and be outside during one?)

Dead celebrities are no longer a taboo. It’s fine to make fun of them. I’m guilty of it for sure. When I hear a celebrity died the first thing that runs through my head is “What joke can be made about this” then it’s “I hope someone else doesn’t think of something better.” There was a whole television show based around them killing each other in claymation form. I had a video game of that show. Only in America can we have so many famous people that we need a television show where they fight to the death with each other.

(This is what clay was made for. And pottery for the Native Americans)

There aren’t any celebrities I’d be all that upset about dying. I don’t get attached to them very easily. They’re just entertainers. Monkeys with symbols clanging together. Let me take a moment to insult Dick Clark for no apparent reason other than he popped in my head. When Dick Clark dies people are going to be upset. Why? He never really did anything. He talked while a bunch of teenagers got together and danced to the latest tunes. He’s a glorified chaperone. Dick Clark is known as the world’s oldest teenager. Or he was until he had a stroke. Now he’s the old guy on New Year’s Eve we all feel bad for. He’s slobbering and he’s not even drunk. I swear, that poor old man is going to die on live television one December 31st. He’ll mess up the numbers like always and have a heart attack out of embarrassment. Please Dick, find something more appropriate to do on New Year’s Eve. Like finding a nice place in the woods to die in.

(This looks pretty nice)

Making fun of a celebrity death gets a lot of groans from massive amounts of people. I never got this. If some child star died, sure, groan. If one of the Olsen twins had SIDS while on Full House that would be sad news. Good news for the quality of entertainment, but sad news in the grand scheme of things. But when someone like Amy Winehouse overdoses she’s free reign. Shit, even if she died saving Catholic orphans from an overturned vehicle I think it’s fine if she was open season on ridicule. Part of being celebrity is letting things roll off your back. You can’t let every bad comment about you stick. Us non-celebrities get picked on all the time. We man through it don’t we? Celebrities can do the same thing. Personally I’d love if the tabloids were saying things about me. I doubt they ever will. I’m not nearly fucked up enough for anyone to believe I’m having a sexual affair with a coworker and find it shocking or interesting. Sure Cathy in Accounting isn’t bad-looking, but I doubt anyone would write home about our loud moans.


(Cathy in Accounting. Look, we gave you the right to vote. Please treat our man inventions with some respect)

What I really want to say about dead celebrities is that they’re going to keep happening. Eventually we’ll have so many of them it’ll be every day. I imagine when I’m older that I’ll have to explain to my kids who some celebrities are. Something will be all over the news about Joel Gosselin dying in a motorcycle crash. I’ll have to explain to them that he was on a show as a baby where his mother bossed around his father, the father got revenge by acting out, and things ended poorly between the two. Joel Gosselin is a celebrity whether he likes it or not. And he’s going to be dead someday. It’ll make headlines too. It’s fine to mourn for anyone’s death. Just don’t ruin the fun of others if we thought they spent their life as a hack one hit wonder.

Starship Troopers was one of my favorite movies while growing up. Easily it would have won a lot of awards if it hadn’t come out the same year as Titanic. Titanic actually won the award for best special effects. I mean, come on! The only special effect in the whole film was watching violin players fall off a boat. Starship Troopers had bugs getting blown up by Jake Busey and other South Americans who for some reason looked very white. Am I remembering that correctly, did they not all live in Brazil? That always confused me about Starship Troopers. How Denise Richards and Neil Patrick Harris could be Brazilian. It’s not like they can say their white parents moved there. White families don’t move to Brazil. At least, not without black masks on after being kidnapped then held for ransom.

(How a white woman moves to Brazil)

Bugs disgust me. Every single one of them. I never like a person who refuses to kill bugs. It’s a bug. We call humans we don’t like bugs as a comparison. Bugs bug me! Scrooge would say Bah Humbug. Key part of that, bug! Please kill every bug you see. They’re disgusting creatures.

Ants – These are one form of bug that I don’t mind until they get into my home. My current apartment hasn’t had any ant problems. My old home was filled with them. I’d spend summers seeing how many I could kill. I’d fill up a squirting bottle with water and soap and squirt them to death. Sometimes I’d waste a paper towel on them. Ants are supposed to be these brilliant soldiers. If that’s the case then why don’t the survivors tell the queen “Hey, we lost a lot of men out there today. Let’s move onto somewhere else”? I hated ants so much when I was younger I would kick in their ant holes. When I learned more about them I stopped doing it. I realized most ants only live a few days anyway. I’ll let them die of natural causes like being crushed by a piece of picnic bread.

Bees – When I say bees, I mean all of those flying yellow pests. Wasps, hornets, yellow jackets, all of them. These are the worst. The sound of their buzzing makes me sick. I’m glad that the bees are dying. Even if it means the Apocalypse is closing in because of it I don’t care. I feel partly responsible. At recess I used to go around with friends stepping on bees while they fucked flowers or whatever it is they do to them. I heard a bee buzzing one time and it made me cough. It took 6 months before the cough went away. I got my revenge one time when a bee was hiding behind a curtain and I punched it to death. That must suck to be a bee and die with your stinger still inside you. It’s like dying a virgin. Is that true that bees die after they sting you? That’s a pretty shitty defense. Bees are the Arab terrorists of bugs.

(Allah-Ak”buzz” – Arabian Bee Prayer)

Slugs – I don’t know if slugs qualify as a bug. I’ve killed a lot so they do to me. Slugs always seemed to be hanging around my back and front yards. The amazing thing about slugs is that they melt if you pour salt on them. You don’t even need a lot. I can’t trust any species who melts from a soft pretzel. They’re so big and fat and slimy. I think their purpose to exist is to help eat garden bugs. What happens when you don’t have a garden? My yard barely had grass in some places. What’s weird about slugs is you never see a dead one just lying around being a douche. One time I found a slug on my dog. Another time I found one on my kitchen floor. I put it in a bag and chased my sister’s boyfriend around with it. I’d love to cut a slug in half with a knife just to see what‘s inside. I’ve done it with baseballs, why not slugs?

Grasshoppers – The best thing about grasshoppers is at least they kind of keep to themselves. Other than being chirping idiots like their brothers from another mother, the crickets, I don’t have much against grasshoppers. There are these random bugs I find in my apartment every so often though that are similar. They hop fast and when I don’t kill them in time they hide behind my refrigerator. I’ve gotten really good at killing them. So good I rarely see them now. The message has gotten across to them. They’re not nearly as cute as Jiminy Cricket. I’ve never seen one of them holding a tiny umbrella. Even if I did I might have to kill it with a roll of paper towels. I could always get a margarita and get some good use out of the tiny umbrella.

(A beloved Disney character was killed so a gay man could enjoy a fruity drink on a Florida beach)

Flies – I saw a fly on a train one time and I thought to myself “Ha Ha! He’s going to get off the train and not have any idea where he is or how far away he is from his family.” Then I remembered how stupid flies are. A 15-year-old with perky breasts (I was 13 at the time, it’s okay if I noticed these things) told me that every time a fly lands it pukes and shits. I don’t know if this is true. I’ve let flies land on me and didn’t see them leave anything behind. That’s a pretty lousy existence. You have to fly around then you shit and puke. How about you stay still and you won’t be so damn dizzy. Flies are very difficult to kill. We used to get so many of them in our house that we had some amazing contraptions to kill them with. One was shaped like a gun and would slap two swatters together. Nobody likes a fly. That’s why the thing on the front of a man’s pants is called a fly. It’s to turn women off of sex. Thank you very much Catholic Church.

Spiders – I think every home is infested with spiders. Every corner seems to have some piece of a spider web clinging to the wall. For some reason I have it in my head if there’s one bug I’m not going to kill it’s going to be spiders. I bought into the propaganda that they eat other bugs. I’ve never seen this happen. I have seen other bugs stuck in spider webs though. How dumb do you have to be to get stuck in a spider web? Very. It’d be like if I stepped on a Vietnamese landmine. I’ll never be in Vietnam for any reason ever. And if I was, what would I be doing walking in a mine field? Spiders are very fascinating though despite being pretty easy to kill. All you need is a tissue. They have evolved into having 8-legs, the ability to build booby-traps to catch their food, and can walk on basically every surface yet the same thing I blow boogers into is their version of a hydrogen bomb. That doesn’t seem fair. Further prove that God is not a spider.

The most famous political family in the United States is probably the Kennedy Family. Well, one could argue that the Bush Family is more famous. So the Kennedy family is the most famous family whose name starts with a K. Unless you count the Kardashians. I don’t consider them human beings, but they do have social security numbers which makes them the same species as me. Yuck! Okay, so the Kennedy Family is the most famous family whom have never put out a sex tape. Actually, I remember hearing there was a sex tape of Marilyn Monroe. Rumor has it, the penis in the video belonged to a Kennedy. Where’s that leave us? The Kennedy Family is the most famous family with big heads? I can’t think of any others. Lets go with that.

(This was the handsome president???)

Everybody knows the political members of the Kennedy Family. The most famous being the president, John Federico (I’m guessing there) Kennedy, abbreviated JFK. He was assassinated in Dallas after promising to put a man on the moon by the end of the decade. I’m sure you’ve seen the video by now. It’s pretty popular online. Like pictures of cats with misspelled words or pictures of crashed cars with “Fail!” written below in bold white lettering. JFK getting shot is a meme. What a sick country.

The second most famous Kennedy is Robert Faustino (I’m assuming there) Kennedy, abbreviated RFK. He was also killed. The difference between the killings was that JFK died outside and RFK died inside. JFK’s murder has a lot of controversy behind it and RFK’s murderer has been claiming that he was under mind control spells by the government to do it. If you look in an encyclopedia, Lee Harvey Oswald is credited with the kill on JFK. A man named Sirhan Sirhan (because the name is so good you have to say it twice) is credited with the kill on RFK. JFK had a movie made about his murder. It was directed by Oliver Stone. Kevin Costner and Tommy Lee Jones were in it. RFK had a movie made about his murder. It was directed by Emilio Estevez. Lindsay Lohan was in that one. And that’s all you need to know about those two men.

Some of the lesser known people with the Kennedy name are much better than any of the politicians. We know how much Teddy Kennedy sucks. Most people named Teddy do. The name Teddy should be reserved for bears. Let us delve into the world of other Kennedy’s, not named Teddy. I will make predictions on how they will die and by whom.

Ian Kennedy

Starting pitcher for the Arizona Diamondbacks, Ian Kennedy had a phenomenal season last year. He was near the tops in the Cy Young Award voting for the National League. He’s never really been very good before last year either. I don’t believe he shares the same blood as any of the political family. It’s possible though. I can see him dying after a game while refusing to sign autographs. Baseball players hate signing autographs. They get off on disappointing fans. A man named Anthony Michael Hall (no relation to the actor of the same name) will stab Ian to death with a Sharpie pen. Ian will regret ever having letting one good season get to his head. He’ll survive the attack but die at the hospital when he refuses to sign himself in thinking it was a trick to get his autograph. Yeah, I used to collect sports autographs and I’ve seen how players go from being the nicest men alive to being the biggest dicks in human kind. My prediction is very possible.


I don’t know what her real name is or what her real job is either. She hosts some game shows and is the only woman to ever wear Tina Fey glasses and not be hot in a nerdy way. She has a bit of attitude about her and I see that being her downfall. After Pat Sajak is arrested for harboring terrorists (I’m as surprised as you are) she will be the one to take over hosting duties for Wheel of Fortune. Vana White, being a radical hater of women with speaking jobs will quit and begin a coup to eliminate Kennedy. Wheel of Fortune never has Arabs on and I believe they will complain about this. A terrorist whose name in Wheel of Fortune Puzzle is _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ – _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ will get on the show and blow himself up during one of their theme weeks. Cruise week maybe? Nobody likes that one. Kennedy will be another member of people named Kennedy to die in public and on video. Vana White will be taken away and imprisoned at Guantanamo Bay for what she thinks was a just cause. Guards will touch her vagina to see if it lights up and it will.

Mr. Kennedy

A wrestler whose gimmick was saying his name. I always liked Mr. Kennedy. Then backstage politics got him fired. Now he works for the lesser known company called TNA as Mr. Anderson. He’s still a Kennedy. That’s why he’s doomed. I don’t think Mr. Kennedy will die in the ring. It’ll wait until after retirement. Nobody watches TNA. It would go unnoticed. He’ll be doing pushups by his giant pool when it happens. His fed up with his job gardener, Raul Eusebio, will attack him with bush trimming sheers. Mr. Kennedy will try to defend it, do a few of his wrestling moves, and soon realize that they do not help at all in a real fight. This will be like one of those non-political Kennedy deaths. Didn’t they have a baby fall out a window? Or am I just thinking of Eric Clapton’s kid? I thought it was both. A guy who has a song named Cocaine leaves his baby unattended near an open window. No wonder nobody was shocked. Mr. Kennedy’s death will be a sad one. It’ll also be the first time a professional wrestler has passed away without involvement of drugs or suicide. Sometimes it’s not a good thing to be first. Neil Armstrong is overrated.

Dead Kennedys

The punk band from the 1980s with songs that you’ve never heard of like Holiday in Cambodia and Kill the Poor. I like them, even if their singer wails instead of sings. His name is Jello too. He wasn’t always fat and now he is. He should have named himself Long-Happy-Life-Of-Being-In-Shape and I guarantee he’d be that and not the fat guy he is today. I see this band getting back together. They do a farewell tour. Due to faulty wiring, the pyrotechnics will explode on each member. They will run around like Michael Jackson did during that Pepsi Commercial, hair blazing. Well, the hair they have left. These guys are like 50 now. It will later be revealed that the wiring was set up to be faulty on purpose. We’ll all try to find the culprits and it will take years before we discover who the killers are. It’ll be the surviving members of the Mighty Mighty Bostones. At least, that’s the impression that I get.

That’s enough Kennedys for now. Mostly, those are the only Kennedys I can think off the top of my head. I hope none of them do die in the harsh ways my crystal ball tells me they will. I want them to all live long and happy lives free of the Kennedy Curse.

(Cheese from the television show The Wire. His real name is Method Man. This has nothing to do with him)

My girlfriend and I argue about a lot of things. For one she thinks drowning would be a peaceful way of dying. I even showed her the movie “The Prestige” where Michael Cain says that drowning was like “going home” then at the end says that it is “agony.” She’s still not convinced even after everyone else agrees with me. I’ve offered to hold her head underwater so she can experience that peace. She refuses. This proves she knows she’s wrong.

I’d mention a few things that we argue about that I’m probably at fault, but this is my blog where I am perfect. She can start her own or create a Livejournal account to complain about how she never really liked me. I had a girl do that. That was depressing to read that someone really doesn’t feel like seeing you and you’ve only been dating a week. Christ. You’d think I’d have at one point hit a woman. I don’t hit girls though. Unless they ask me to. Believe it or not, more than a few have. Females are sick.

One thing that my Old Lady (I’ve been catching up on Sons of Anarchy and really want a motorcycle gang. First rule of SAMCRO is to call your bitch your Old Lady) has said to me is that she thinks if she were to break up with me that I would kill myself. I’ve thought about this. I don’t think I would. I hope I wouldn’t. I spent the first 21 years of my life practically alone. Losing someone who you actually love would be cake. I could ease back into the single life no problem, right? Honestly I know I could never kill myself. I still have to abuse alcohol and drugs first, write more poetry, give up everything that I already love to do, get really fat or really skinny from not caring about my diet, and possible do a few more cries for help such as posting Dashboard Confessional lyrics as my Facebook status.

I’m curious though, her thinking I would kill myself. How does she think I would do it? I asked her and what she said didn’t make sense. She said I would hang myself. Hmmm that wouldn’t work. I need to figure out which rhetorical way of killing myself would be best.

1) Hanging

Like I said, she thinks I would hang myself. It’s how most people kick the bucket when they take their own life. I could not do this. It took me until 3rd grade to stop wearing Velcro shoes. I still rarely untie my shoes. I’m terrible with knots. There also isn’t anywhere in my apartment to hang from. Shower curtain rods are too weak and where I hang my shirts is too low. I also don’t want to die in the closet. People would make too many gay jokes at my funeral.

2) Gunshot

This is probably the way I would go if I really had to. It’s messy and sends a message that I really was upset. But if I was ever going to shoot myself I would have to go out and get a gun. I’d probably have to wait a week to get it. My emotions sway so much that by the time I got the gun I wouldn’t be so upset anymore. Then I’d be stuck with a gun and nothing to do with it besides flash it at parties. I won’t be eating a bullet. Too much paper work.

3) Jumping

Falling off of something high would be the best way for me to go in theory. I broke my leg falling 3 feet from the air. I broke it again when someone slid into my leg. I’d probably splatter into soup if I fell from 10 feet. There aren’t any really tall buildings near me though. That’s going to be a problem. I also don’t have access to a ladder. And, looking down from a high place, I know I’d chicken out. I’d have to get a good job or a penthouse apartment to really accomplish this. If either of those happened I’d have no reason to jump.

4) Wrist Slitting

I would never slit my wrists. That really creeps me out. My wrists are really thin and girly. I really feel like I don’t have forearms, just one vein running from my elbow to my hand. I have plenty of sharp objects I could do this with. I’d have to do it in a bath tub too. I still don’t know though. Dying with my head that close to the toilet? What if I become a ghost and have to be in that bath tub forever? People will have sex and masturbate on my soul. Yeah, not a good plan.

5) Car Crash

I don’t know if people kill themselves by purposely causing car crashes too often, but I’m running out of ideas. This is a risky one. There’s no guarantee that you’ll die. You may end up paralyzed and miserable. Or paralyzed and become an inspirational speaker. It all depends on how fat your tongue is and if you are a people person. I could easily crash my car. One time I’m pretty sure I did it subconsciously. I was driving straight minding my own business and for no reason at all my car swerved off the highway into a small ditch. I was fine and still have no clue what happened. I took my car in to see what was wrong. One of the mechanics asked if I use my car to “go Mudding.” I didn’t know what this meant so he laughed at me. I hate when people laugh at me. It makes me want to drive off the road into a tree.

6) Pills

Again, this is a risky one. You might end up throwing up all night. I hate throwing up. I haven’t done it since Christmas Eve when I was around 10 years old. I have an iron stomach. I can eat an entire box of high fiber cereal in one sitting. The only side effect is that the next day my stomach hurts and it shoots out the back of me. I learned not to do this. It took a couple tries, but finally I know not to eat like a pig. I don’t know what pills I should take to snuff myself either. Allergy pills would probably just make me never get a sniffle again. Why is suicide so hard?

7) Electrocution

People don’t usually electrocute themselves to death. There’s the old toaster in the bath tub trick. I don’t own a toaster. I could always throw my laptop in there with me, but I have 180 saved Word Documents saved. I’d like some of them to make it. This again means that I’d have to die with my head near a toilet. It reminds me too much of Elvis and I’ve never been an Elvis guy. Plus, don’t I have to be naked to die in a bath tub? The water will be cold by the time someone finds me and we all know what happens when a naked boy is cold. I don’t want to end with that false legacy.

8) Carbon Monoxide Poisoning

I think that’s what comes out of cars. I don’t own a garage. You need a garage or at least a random tube to connect to your tailpipe to do this. I know the guy from Boston used a grill inside his home to do himself in. I don’t own a grill either. Shit. What do I own? This also takes too long. I’m very impatient. Especially in the car. I definitely won’t be doing this ever. I’m not a garage guy. Garages are for people who own bikes and a second refrigerator

9) Oven

I haven’t used my oven once since I moved into my apartment. It took me 9 months before I used the stove top. The pilot burnt out after a month. I don’t have strong enough knees to put my head in the oven. My head is always probably too big. I’d have to take out the racks first. I’ve already made it pretty clear that if I kill myself I won’t be working hard for it. Ovens are for baked goods, not sad boy’s heads.

10) Train Hitting

This is actually pretty trendy. All of the hipsters talk about it. Whenever I see a train speed by I think about that part in Hostel when the Asian woman with the eye hanging out of her face jumped in front of the train. That last sentence was written poorly, but it’s taken me too long to try to figure out how to reword it. I’m around enough trains, but it’s nothing I’m interested in doing. I’d be afraid of being dragged or having my arm cut off. It’s weird that planes still hit people. I’ve known people who’ve known people who had that happen to them. It could have been a lie. People like to brag about knowing cool folks.

When it comes down to it, there is no perfect way for me to kill myself. It’s just too much work. Another thing my girlfriend argues with me about is saying that I’m a quitter. Fuck you whore. I made a list of 10 ways for me to kill myself. I thought I was going to stop around 6, but I didn’t quit. I kept trucking along. You’ll argue that I’m still a quitter because I didn’t do any of them. Then I’ll feel bad about myself and make a new list of things. It’s an endless cycle of pain, but I still love you. Bitch.

P.S. This is my last post of the year. I wanted to let you know since this was all about killing myself that if I don’t post for a few days, I am not dead. I am busy changing my thousands of calendars.

Thank you for a lovely year. Writing this blog has been helpful for several reasons. Most importantly, self discovery. I do not wish to get sappy, I will save that for a future post I have planned. I hope you all have a Happy New Year and get to kiss someone hot at midnight.

I’m a big believer in the Mayans. Not their prophecies or anything. Just that they once existed. The verdict is still out on the existence of Spanish people from Spain. I’m starting to think that Spain is a fictional place that Puerto Ricans and Colombians claim to be their original motherland. It’s like their Narnia.

(Doesn’t exist)

In case you’re never watched the History Channel, the Discovery Channel, or talk to a drunk guy at 2 in the morning, the Mayans “predict” that the world will end on December 21, 2012. Funny thing is, I was into this Mayan craze years ago. Back then, Doomsday was December 12, 2012. I don’t blame the Mayans for not quite being sure about which day the world would end. They didn’t have pens or scrap paper to do their math on. I’ll give them a 9 day margin of error.

A few other contributions that Mayans have given to our modern society other than fear are the movie Apocalypto, the movie 2012, and half-assed pyramids with steps. Okay, as much as I’ve read about the Mayans I still don’t know very much. I know they disappeared without a trace. Modern day Mexicans are partly descendents of them. That’s about it. Everything else is from Ancient Aliens and is a bunch of nonsense about how they could possibly have been aliens themselves. Wouldn’t that be ironic if that was true? The Mexicans that sneak across the border would be double aliens. Does that cancel themselves out? I think so. If you’re an alien who comes to this planet and you manage to cross the border to another country, you deserve to stay. Nowhere near me of course.

I don’t really have much of a plan for the 2012 disaster. Well, who says it’s going to be a disaster? All we know is that their calendars end on that day. My calendar ends on December 31, 2011. That’s when I believed the world was going to end all year-long. Then I got a new one and that one ends on December 31, 2012. I don’t know who to believe. The Mayans or the cute Labrador Retriever on the month of December of my new calendar.

(Even Jewish people have to admit this is adorable)

The Mayans aren’t the first people to claim that the world would end. Not even close. People have been doing that for centuries. Like that douche bag Nostradamus. Did you know that he never predicted a single thing? He lost his entire fortune gambling he was so bad at predicting the outcome of football games. On his wedding day, he predicted that his marriage would last forever. The man was married 9 more times before dying, which he predicted he never would do. He made bets with friends while watching Romantic Comedies. He’d say “Julia Roberts won’t end up with the guy” and then he’d lose. He’d have to dress up like a French maid for a week and clean his buddy’s apartment. I almost bought a Nostradamus book for a dollar. Then I remembered he was nothing more than a poet who wrote about his own era. He said things about how a harsh leader would rise up and take control at the end of times. What leaders aren’t harsh? It’s happening all the time. Nostradamus wasn’t some oracle. He was a rhyming Frenchman. Can we really trust a guy from the same country that made Jerry Lewis’s career?

(Screw saying something interesting or poignant, a funny face is all you need to be a legend)

I have my own prediction for 12/21/2012. It will be a Friday. How do I know this? I looked it up on the Internet. Something the Mayans didn’t have. Are we really going to believe that a group of people who didn’t have the Internet know when the world is going to end? Sir Isaac Newton said that the world cannot end before 2050. It’s mathematically impossible. I don’t know how he figured that out. Most of his science involved being smacked in the head with fruits. I know he never had the Internet either, much like the Mayans. One thing Newton had over them was pants. Always trust a man with pants over a nation without them.

Really there’s no reason to be afraid. I’ve watched television programs, movies, read books, and used logic to determine that the Mayans predicted a date of the end of the world is no different from you doing it. This is all fear mongering and it will never stop. New Mayans will come along. New groups of people who supposedly claim to know when we will all die. They won’t say how or even what will happen. They’ll give us a date. That’s all. Then as a whole we’ll all have to hold our collective breaths hoping that they were wrong. I don’t know about you, but I’m not ready to die in a catastrophic event. Maybe a car crash or a runaway anvil, but not a mega-volcano.

Now to end with the most appropriate song by R.E.M. It’s a song about the end of the world. Enjoy!