Posts Tagged ‘definitions’

Sorry if you read the title and thought this said “Steaks” instead of “Streaks.” I guess though if you have some debilitating disease where that’s the problem you also thought the first word of this post was “Soy.” Now you’re especially hungry. Nothing is more delicious than soy. Killing and eating animals is natural. We’ve been doing it since the beginning of bread. If you don’t eat meat you’re being a jerk to the local bread companies. You asshole. Enjoy your soy and tofu in hell you socialists.

(I eat steak because I love my country. Go to one of them vegan countries like Greenland if you got a problem with my national pride)

Streaks come in many different forms. Like dead people, they’re everywhere. The most common form of the word streak comes from sports. I like sports streaks. Some of them are so incredibly legendary and never to be broken. Joe Dimaggio once got a hit in 56 straight games. I’m sure Marilyn Monroe was happy that he was taking his slugging elsewhere for two months as she lowered herself onto her knees for the Kennedy Brothers. I know Brett Favre also has some amazing games played streak. Nothing compared to that of Cal Ripken Jr. I don’t know enough about football or Brett Favre to really be sure. I do know that he has a tiny unphotogenic cock. I’m sure there’s some streak there he has going. Sending the most dick pictures to sideline reporters? Hey, it’s something to add to the resume.

If you’re unlucky you’ve probably at some point in your life looked at your tighty whities and seen a streak. This is caused by improper wiping of your anus. My dad was guilty of this. We’d call his brown streaks “black beauty.” You know, like the graceful horse. I don’t know what it is but at one point in my life I too had a struggle with streaks. I would get yelled at by my mom each time she’d find underwear that looked like Holocaust pajamas. I’d go to great lengths for her not to find my shit stained underwear. I’d hide them in a shoebox under my bed and wait until she did laundry then toss them in. I think this is why teenage boys are bought boxer shorts. After 13 years of looking at their little boy’s poop, moms have had enough.

(Is that a shit stain on the back of your boxers? No it’s Mario’s mustache! Is that a mushroom poking out of the front of your boxers? No it’s the end of my–)

You can add “er” to the word streak and you get streaker. These are daring individuals who either have some strange fetish or have lost a college bet. I would never go streaking. I have a tad bit of dignity left and I want to cradle that close and in clothing. I’ve never seen a streaker in person either. I’ve seen woman flash their breasts, but never someone ran by with their dong flapping by. Why do people on TV always find streakers amusing? I’d be so fucking annoyed. If I was at my staining his underwear with shit son’s football game and some stoner decided to streak across the field I would pull him down by the neck hair for wasting my time with his awful display of physical comedy. Streakers have to be careful these days. I think if you streak in front of a kid you are arrested for making a child grow up too fast. They ask their parents hard questions like “Where do babies comes from?”, “What’s that thing called?”, and “Should I be feeling as aroused right now as I do?” Here’s a tip. If a child uses the word aroused, they don’t need much explaining.

Objects can streak. Cars streak across the road and into a guard rail. Comets streak across the sky and into earth killing all of life. Animals have things on them sometimes that look like streaks. These are called stripes. Since animals don’t wear clothes, they’re always streaking so this is relevant fodder. The most popular of striped animals is the zebra. Nobody’s favorite animal is the zebra though. They’re very forgettable. Nobody really kills a zebra for anything is probably why. Elephants give us pianos. Deer give us trophies for our walls. Snakes give us belts/joke dildos. You wouldn’t kill a zebra and use the flesh as a striped shirt. I mean, it would make things easier on people but that’s so cruel. We already kill alligators for footwear and handbags. Women are evil.

(Quit smiling and get ready for my foot up your ass)

I hope you learned a lot about streaks today. Maybe I have inspired you to get your own streak going. Remember, there’s a difference between a record and a streak. A streak takes consistency and stamina. Yeah, that’s not you, is it? Perhaps instead I have reminded you of why your asshole is itching so badly. Cha-Cha-Cha over to a piece of Charmin and clean that butt mister! Your mom will thank you. For the more daring of those reading this, you’ll probably go out and run around naked. Kudos to you! I hope you get hit by a car and die that way. Finally there are those who have learned about the horrors of how we treat animals. You’ll probably start a petition to help save the whales, the clumsy fat girl of the animal kingdom. You will not succeed. Nobody cares about the whales. Why would we? What have they ever done for us other than throw their piss water in our faces?

Most of our first experiences with rocks involves our mothers cheering on bullies to find an even bigger one to throw at us. At least my first experience with rocks is like that. Rocks, by their very definition, are lame pieces of stone that hang out in the dirt. I can’t remember the last time I even saw or touched a rock. I think it’s the same reason why I never notice gnats anymore. I’m not outside unless it involves walking to my car or burning garbage/missing women’s clothing. Rocks are pretty lousy as far as small pieces of earth go. They look cool inside, I’ll give them that. But the same could be said about a pool filter. Sure, it’s mostly over chlorinated water. Occasionally you’re lucky and find a dead fly or a bloody missing Band-Aid.

(A rock giving birth to a flamboyant British man who doesn’t know the purpose of a hat)

The word rock can also be used to describe something. Like saying “you rock” for instance. Nobody ever tells me that I rock. Probably because I don’t. In order to rock I feel you must be able to shake your head to music. I just can’t do that. I can’t commit my head to shaking unless I’m seizuring or really don’t want another soda and my mouth is too full to tell the waiter to back off. You can also rock by being an overall cool person who gets the job done. Rarely do I get the job done. I’ll start a task and hope that someone else finishes it. Maybe that’s a poor example. You come up with a better one.

(I wish I could be this passionate about something. Notice the pattern of bored, excited, excited, thrilled fat lesbian, excited, excited, bored)

Not only can a person be described as rocking, they can actually rock as in move. Fun things to rock are chairs, babies, and gondola rides. Rock N Roll stars rarely do much rocking. I would describe their movements more as thrusting or giving the finger. Only during a dumb slow song will you see a real rocker rock. They’ll put one arm up in the air and rock their body’s back and forth. They’ll try to get the crowd to go along with it but once the crowd gets involved it becomes a sway, not a rock. So stop trying to involve the crowd like that you dumb millionaire drug addicts. Please don’t point at us then ask us to sing along to the chorus. If I wanted to sing then I would have gone to church or taken a shower. I go to a concert to forget about my problems and hear how you sound nothing like you do on the album in person.

The term Rock N Roll though actually comes from sex. I guess sex involves some rocking. Not so much rolling. Except that one time I decided to leave my pants on and stepped on a candle. I not only rolled, but before that I stopped and dropped. The word rock is also used in the entertainment industry by Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. He took this name from his father, Rocky Johnson. Rocky seems to be a pretty popular name amongst people who fight. And flying squirrels. Rocco is another similar name popular among Italians. And wallabies with modern lives. There’s also Rocky Dennis. I guess in a way he was a fighter. He managed to survive having a debilitating disease and Cher as a mom. And he kept his dick as its original form.

(And it was all downhill for Gingers after this)

Objects can be described as being rocky. Usually those are cliffs with actual rocks poking out. Sometimes situations can be described as rocky. I guess impregnating a student could be a rocky situation? Or is that more of a sticky situation? Because I know how much students like to chew gum. If students like hard candy more, then sure, it would be a rocky situation. The more I think about it the more I realize nobody ever says a situation is rocky. Roads are rocky. Roads are so rocky that there’s a popular ice cream flavor named Rocky Road. It sounds very appetizing. A flavor with the same name as the worst nightmare of a driver with hemorrhoids. Try driving over a pothole with an anal fissure and tell me that isn’t an accurate comparison.

(This looks delicious despite the fact that it looks exactly like my dog’s poop from 2 months ago when he had worms)

Even Major League Baseball acknowledges the existence of the word rock. That’s more than the NFL can say about the Holocaust. Can you believe that 45% of the players in that league deny that one of the most tragic and horrific events in human history never happened? Even more impressive is that only I know this statistic. The Colorado Rockies came along in the mid-90s giving the word rock a new audience. Originally the only sport where the word belonged was on school yards and hostage situations when Rock, Paper, Scissors would be played. If that game can teach us anything it’s that rocks are destructible. And by paper! A product so weak that a gust of wind or a heavy fart makes it fly away. Looking at it with that knowledge makes me lose respect for the word rock. So the next time a girl comes up to your friend and tells him that he rocks and basically ignores you, tell her you’re paper. Then refer her to this post. She’ll feel uncomfortable and leave. But at least your friend won’t get any. And we both know he doesn’t deserve it. He barely bathes and still owes you money.

“Rock out with your cock out” – popular t-shirt slogan of people whom you know have never actually been invited to a party without a goody-bag