Posts Tagged ‘do skinny girls poop a lot’

Almost as useless to modern society as a sacrifice to a sun, the crossing guard still leaves its mark on society. Each day as I walk to work I run into these elite members of society. They may not be the most talented among us nor are they needed what with the “left, right, left” theory. My bias opinion of crossing guards begins with the fact my grandpa cheated on his wife with one, setting forth motion of continuous failed marriages in my bloodline. Know that we have established full disclosure as to why I may not have a high opinion of crossing guards, let me introduce you to the ones I see every morning.

Stubby

Stubby is an older woman shaped like a tree trunk. She is round, close to the ground, and probably has squirrels defecate on her. I have never called her Stubby at any time other than this because she is pretty much irrelevant and hard to insult since she actually does her job somewhat well. I also see her smoking a lot while she helps children cross the street which feels wrong.

Tree_stump1_30u06

The Hot Grandmother

I am not saying this woman actually is a grandmother. She may not even be a mother. I never have been close enough to her to even tell anything about her as she has marked her territory across the street from my walking route. She looks to be a bit older and in decent enough shape. My theory is that she got pregnant when she was very young and her daughter did the same thing which is why this woman has to work a shit job after retirement. I think I just like her because she has a ponytail coming out from her hat. Hats are very necessary for crossing guards, just so you know. If they ever do get hit by a car and are completely annihilated the family will have something to bury, the hat.

The Cranky Old Guy

My favorite crossing guard is probably the cranky old guy. Sometimes he yells at people for jaywalking and other times he encourages it. He’s hard to read. Maybe he yells because he cares and maybe he encourages it hoping that someone might get hit. Imagine being a crossing guard and never seeing someone get hit by a bus. That’s like a cop never getting to fire his gun. The cranky old guy also has a cranky old guy voice. He says “Come on!” like he has somewhere to be other than headed toward the grave. Since I actually wrote this a few months ago I have developed a good standing with him where we see “Morning” to each other.

statler

“Go Ahead”

The laziest crossing guard of all is the guy who I have never seen step into the street with his stop sign to actually do his job. Instead he kind of waves his stop sign and says “Go ahead” to us pedestrians. I’m not sure why he thinks this is in his job description. All he has to do is step out into the road. Does he not want the powertrip that gives you, to stop traffic dead in its tracks? He’s probably a nice guy and all, but I would at least like to see my tax dollars that I do not pay go to more use.

The Singing Black Guy

There’s a black guy near the school every morning who seems to sing slave songs. I know he has a lot of resentment toward me as my ancestors’ only struggle in history was not having enough potatoes. Don’t get me wrong, a potato famine sound terrible. What did the Irish eat with their hamburgers back then if there were no chips or fries? What did they do with all of that extra butter? The singing black guy is indeed nice and I am now “boss” to him. Maybe he is actually just trying out for a musical version of The Green Mile. He has yet to ask me to take his hand though.

michaelclarkeduncan

You’re On Your Own Woman

The final crossing guard I see is at the busiest intersection of all. This lady will help pedestrians cross when the walk sign first changes then stop for the rest of the time, when cars are actually more likely to speed through. She basically is letting us mobile-impaired folks know that we are on our own when it comes to getting to our destination without getting Marcellus Wallace’ed. She behaves like I’m some kind of homeless man and she’s me, paying no attention to my existence. Do your job woman. You get to hold an octagonal sign. You’ve won life’s scratch-off lottery.

As promised to the 0 people who were anticipating the follow-up, here is the list of things I have kicked ass at this past year.

A Cool Job:

I have a 9-5 job and it’s actually cool. I make *enough* money and I’m pretty much the as the Spanish would call it, grande queso. I had no experience going into the job other than not lying on my resume like the other people who applied. Now I get to play with dogs and get yelled at for not posting enough on Facebook. I even am getting to write my own “The Onion” style newspaper for work and asked my boss if I can do video editing, which I will get paid overtime for. So basically when I’m not blogging here it’s because I’m getting paid to do similar things elsewhere. The coolest thing is that I used to get in trouble for doing the same things I get paid to do now. Okay I’m beginning to brag. But really my job is pretty cool and I’m very lucky.

cool job(I take it back. My job isn’t this therefore it sucks)

I Haven’t Gotten Too Fat:

I really have no clue what shape I am in compared to last year. I think I’m in less good of shape because we have pizza too much at work. Here I am talking about work like it’s all I do. I do other things too like leave work and go there. I’m in a state where I can either have nice legs and arms with a disgusting excuse for a midsection or look hungry all of the time. That’s just the way my body works. But I haven’t gotten too fat, I know that much. Success!

cartoon_chef_4b(When I look in the mirror this is what I see minus the badass hat)

I Made 2 Friends:

This is going to sad real sad so it makes up for the me bragging earlier. I made 2 friends this year. Not only that, I haven’t made a single friend in the last 5 years. Well, I have. I just didn’t keep any for very long. I think I tend to wear on people or kill them. Who knows? I made a few other friends this year and none lasted. The two friends I did make were via Craigslist and both would be in my Top 8 on MySpace.

top8(I’d probably bump Alan and C-Dawg for them. Neither wished me a happy birthday)

I Really Don’t Care About Stupid Things Anymore:

Okay I’m lying. I do care about stupid things a lot. Fortunately I care about them slightly less. Like so what if someone doesn’t find me pretty? It’s their loss! Right? Maybe not. I guess what I should really say here is while I still question a lot I am very sure of myself. I know my opinion matters and is valuable. I know–not much else. That’s all that matters though, that I know one thing.

Grand Opening Of Kardashian Khaos At The Mirage Hotel & Casino(Here are some stupid things I never once cared about)

I Am Making Money Writing:

Aside from coming up with clever and cute things to say on Facebook, I get paid for writing my Yahoo articles. I was even honored as one of the top contributors. Top 500 contributors. I wanted to leave out the 500 because that makes it seem like any jackass can win it. Still, it’s cool to finally earn a few bucks from writing about sometimes things I want to write about.

No Picture Just Click on the Link

I’m Generally Happy:

As I type this alone in a dark bedroom with a Band-Aid on my thumb sitting on the bed because I have no couch, icing my knee and ankle due to constant pain, starving myself because I may have gotten too fat, listening to a baby cry outside on a Sunday night before work, it’s hard for me to be too depressed. I mean I really would rather not go to work tomorrow and all. Sleeping in and relaxing tomorrow sounds so much better. I can complain, but I shouldn’t. I have a pretty good idea where I am going in life and it’s not the worst place. I’m not stagnant and sometimes that’s all we can hope for. Awww. That was kind of sweet in an insulting way to anyone reading this in a stagnant place in life.

Married-couple(Stagnant people where life has become predictable)