Posts Tagged ‘dogs on couches’

I don’t own a couch. It’s the first time in forever. I’m planning on getting some little futon or something at some point because I miss having a couch. For now my couch is putting my bedroom pillows up against the wall on my bed and I sit on my bed using the pillows as a back rest. I think the proper term for this involves the n-word followed by rig, but I ain’t saying it.

spike lee

(“Thank you, Tim.” – Spike Lee)

Couches are a wonderful invention. They were created by the Egyptians in the time of Cleopatra because she had so many husbands. She was always getting in fights with these husbands and they needed somewhere to sleep that was bed-like but not as comfortable whenever they were in the dog house or in the cat house as it was called in Ancient Egyptian times. Everything in Ancient Egypt was about cats. Imagine how hard it must be a cat living in today’s world. They’re all over the Internet but they’re not really worshipped like they used to be. I see the white man meeting the same fate.

I hardly remember my family’s earliest couches. The first time I met my first dog Baylee she was sitting on the couch when I got home from school. She picked her head up and looked at me. My mom said to be gentle. She went on to say Baylee wanted to relax and watch Batman: The Animated Series. Did she?

My family did get new couches at one point, I think. They were new to us at least. The worst thing about new furniture is you are so cautious with it until someone does damage to it. I like to invite a clumsy friend over immediately whenever I buy something new to take away the worry. These new couches were great though and provided plenty of room to sit. Ultimately it was decided I got the chair because not only had I become the man of the house, nobody ever wanted to sit next to me.


(Basically me except I have never been caught masturbating in a public theater)

Our family’s pets liked couches almost as much as we did. Baylee, McGwire, the cats Stephanie, Stashu (why the hell did we have a Polish cat?) and Briscoe all enjoyed sitting on the couches. The dogs especially liked them. If you ever get a new dog and think at any point in the future you will not want them sitting on the couch then never let them sit on it when they’re young. You can’t teach an old dog new tricks. Getting a dog who is used to a couch to lie on the ground is in fact a trick and I don’t mean the kind whores do for money.

I have a lot of wonderful memories from couches. There was a lot of eating and TV watching. Perhaps the best part was when I had a girl next to me on the couch. No. Eating was better. Girls want to cuddle too much. A cheese doodle never cuddles. A cheese doodle provides crunchy cheesy goodness. I don’t have to be self-conscious with a cheese doodle. I never have to wonder with a cheese doodle when we’re going to skip the foreplay and get straight to what I came there for.

Couches do have a dark side. They are a pain in the ass to move. To move my last couch out from my apartment I had to go all MacGyver and place it on a swivel chair on one end and push it from the other. A black neighbor watched me struggle. Then he realized what I was doing and told me I was clever. Black fellas know clever when they see it. They invented peanut butter.

spike lee

(“Thank you again, Tim.” – Spike Lee)

I think couches often go overlooked in this country. Not having one makes me realize their importance. How else will I allow to over time let my posture go bad? I never lose money in the cushions anymore. The only good thing is if I bring a girl over I tell her she has either has to hop in my bed or sit on the toilet. I guess she could always sit at the kitchen table, but I would probably kick her lame ass out.

What is your opinion on couches?